FI asked to marry even though he doesnt really want to be married

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds more like he wants to be with you forever and doesn’t care about the actual marriage license, in which case I’d go ahead and get married; if he doesn’t care and you do, then I think it’s fine.  However, if he is actually OPPOSED to getting married or something then that’s different. 

Post # 4
Member
1771 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yikes. That’s some tricky ground there. I would be really wary of marrying a man who has such a “meh” attitude towards marriage. You want it to be as important and special to him as it is to you. That doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m not saying he doesn’t love you, just that you two should be on the same page when it comes to the importance of marriage, and it doesn’t seem like he’s quite there.

Post # 5
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

I think you’re over thinking it.  If he wants to be with you forever, but doesn’t care about the ceremony and piece of paper, and you want to be with him forever, and do care about the ceremony and piece of paper, it seems like a nice gesture for him to agree to do that with you.  A lot of people don’t feel like they need a wedding to be committed.  It doesn’t make them lesser partners.

Post # 6
Member
457 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

In my case, my FI asked me to marry him, and I said yes, but I don’t really want to get married. More becasue I’ve seen almost my whole family end in divorce. How can marriage mean anything to me? It has nothing to do with the guy and everything to do with the institution itself. I don’t even know if I’m making the right decision, but I can’t complain about my FI, he keeps the house clean, makes sure I’m okay, he can (sorta) cook, he’s pretty attractive other than he’s a bit too introverted and we don’t necessarily share the same hobbies, we’re very similar people though.

In your case, I can see your FI loves you very much, otherwise he wouldn’t be willing to propose to you. But ask yourself, are you wanting to be with him, or are you just wanting marriage? Personally, I don’t really understand when someone says “I want to be married.” Other than for the reason your religion/culture dictates you to do so, or your relationship would be looked down upon… And you can’t say “the commitment” because you can break up just the same as being a married couple as you would be boyfriend and girlfriend, and you can stay with your girlfriend/boyfriend the same just as married couple.

 

But if you are wanting marriage, I’d say let him go. But if you want HIM, do what you can to make it work, even if it’s post-poning the wedding so maybe he feels more sure later about it.

Post # 7
Member
3222 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Is he simply opposed to the institution of marriage, or is he unsure about a lifetime commitment? If marriage for whatever reason isn’t extra sacred to him but the commitment is there, I don’t see the problem (besides possibly incongruent values).

My FH says he would be equally committed to me whether or not we got married, and I bet he’d prefer to skip the whole hooplah. For a while, he was going along with it because it’s what I wanted, but now he’s suddenly become a male Martha wannabee. Your guy may not have a turning point, but as long as he loves you and is committed to you, then whatevs. Get married if he’s up for it. I believe in choosing the right person and nurturing love, not necessarily a piece of paper and a legal marker. 

Post # 8
Member
2325 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

The ultimate questions are…do you love him? and is he letting you plan the wedding – set dates, make arrangements etc.? 

I had a friend who was proposed to but everytime she tried to talk about wedding related things or plan anything she was always shut down. Turns out he didn’t want to get married but because everyone else around her was getting engaged/married he did it because he wanted to “keep her quiet” but he had no intention of ever marrying her – from what I could work out he felt that being engaged was an acceptable place to remain permanently in a relationship. Anyway, they broke up…for various other reasons too but I think that was a major factor.

So if he is preventing any forward motion of weddling plans then maybe it needs to be questioned but if he is happy to get married because you want lot and is being supportive then I say “go for it”. 

Post # 9
Member
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

My husband did the exact same thing. His parents went through a brutal divorce which put him off marriage. He asked me to marry him and I found out it was because he wanted to be with me forever and knew marriage was important to me. If you asked him now he would tell you he loves being married and is really happy he did it. I think your over thinking.:)

Post # 10
Member
7664 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

As PPs say… is he opposed to the piece of paper, the history of marriage, or the idea of lifelong commitment? Because these things are all very different!

Post # 11
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@candygirl19:  My ex H was the same: He never wanted to get married, only did it to ‘shut me up and make me happy’  Didn’t propose to me, wouldn’t buy me an engagement ring, wouldn’t wear a wedding ring himself.

I never felt like he was fully committed to the marriage.  When I got pregnant and he demanded I had an abortion, that was the beginning of the end.

I wouldn’t marry a man now unless he was as keen – if not keener – about being married than I am. 

Post # 12
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - Creek club at ion, SC

I just think you need to talk to your FI 

I think at least half these questions would be answered

 

Post # 13
Member
920 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@candygirl19:

Personally I’d rather not get married however I’d rather have my fiance and marry him than lose him.  It’s not at all that I love him less or I don’t want to be with him for forever.  I very much still want to be with him till I die.  I would just rather not get actually married.

Post # 14
Member
873 posts
Busy bee

I can relate, my guy would have been just as happy to continue on the way we are for the rest of time. i have no doubt about his commitment to me, marriage just doesn’t mean anything to him. In his mind he is already as commited as he can be and no piece of paper is going to make him more commited.

It does bum me out sometimes that he isn’t as excited about the wedding as i am but I think thats fairly common even in guys who really want to get married.

The main thing to know is that lack of interest in marriage does not automatically equal a lack of interest in you. The fact that he is doing it to make you happy speaks volumes

Post # 15
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

There’s some muddling going on here. Is he not that big on weddings, does he generally have a dismal view of how most relationships go (“They all end eventually anyway,” “I’m just along for the ride,” etc.), or is it something else? Assuming you didn’t cajole and badger him into it, the fact that he proposed to make you happy – I think – can be a very positive sign. It’s a sign that, at the least, he sees the ring, wedding and outward commitment as important to you.

The hard truth is – even when men are really excited about getting married, most often, the woman is doing most or all of the wedding planning. I think my husband’s one great contribution was picking out our first dance song. He did pay for a few things, but I arranged *everything*. Of course, that just meant I got to have the wedding I wanted – small with very few vendors.

 

 

Post # 16
Member
298 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Charlie89:  Same here, with my FI, he now says he’s excited to marry me:) He’s also very introverted so the idea of a wedding is uncomfortable for him, especially since I have a HUGE family, but he’s good with marriage now.

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