Post # 1
So my FI is an introvert, I find him very endearing and his awkwardness can be very cute, but right now its killing me!
I understand that a lot of guys don’t stay in touch with their out of town buddies all that well, compared with girls, but for my FI I feel he takes it just one step further, he NEVER contacts his friends apart from when he travels home like once a year and they all go on a few big nights out. In contrast, I love having a lot of friends who I speak to fairly regularly and I have several really close friends-although I’m only having 3 bridesmaids (but fewer is normal over here).
So when we got engaged one of the first things we did was estimate number of guests. For me it wasn’t an estimate, I knew exactly who and how many. However for him he was like ‘maybe like 20?’ but that was fine, we only needed an estimate.
We booked our venue and so have a date. We ordered STDs. We need to send them out. I’ve addressed all of mine and they’re good to go, I’ve done all the ones for his family, but he STILL hasn’t given me a list of his friends he wants to invite. He said he will give me a list by 8:30 this evening, but then went back to playing his frigging xbox.
Thing is, I explained to him I don’t want people at the wedding who he doesn’t really know, as in best friend when they were 10 but haven’t spoken in 10 years. I know he’s concerned that he will have less people ‘on his side’ (we’re not having sides) because people we tend to keep in contact with are invariably my friends (although Ive tried to explain that after him knowing then for nearly 7 years they are also his friends) but he doesn’t need to be inviting people just for the sake of inviting them. Also his ‘best man’ is organising the stag do and has started inviting people without FIs knowledge. FI just thinks ‘the more the merrier’ but I’m concerned that by inviting people to the stag those people will also expect an invite to the wedding…?
This whole thing is stressing me out. Generally we communicate well but I guess I’m just feeling frustrated that he doesn’t have many wedding responsibilities just himself and this one he’s just procrastinating so much over. I can’t tell if there’s an underlying problem or something because he is being so weird about it.
Anyone have a similar situation? Am I reading this whole thing wrong?
Post # 3
Ugh men, booooooo! I kid of course. Not really.
Anyway. I think it’s a case of completely different perspectives here. I think just try to calmy state that it’s important to your stress levels that he give you his invite list in say, 2 days. And explain that commonly people invited to stag parties are also invited to wedding, so it might get awkward if he doesn’t want them at the wedding. I have found through the planning process that my partner just has completely different opinions on most things. I have learned to calmy explain how I feel, and how strongly I feel, and he’s generally all “oh ok”.
Oh and also I get your worried type thoughts as during our engagement any time we don’t see eye to eye on something I start thinking “oh my gosh! What are we doing!? Who is he? Why am I marrying someone who doesn’t agree with me on every insignificant little detail!?” Lolz.
Post # 4
He might be feeling frustrated because on one hand you are asking him for a list of who he wants to invite to the wedding and on the other hand are dictating who that can be.
Friendship means different things to different people. Just because he doesn’t have the kind of friendships that you do does not mean that they mean less or are not real friendships.
I would apologise for trying to dictate who he can invite and let him know that you need the invite list by x date. Gove him a few days to mull over his list once you have lifted the invite demands.
Post # 5
@Dancing-in-September: you have literally read my mind! Every time we fall out I’m like ‘this is rubbish, is this the right thing?’ But of course its just the same falling outs we always have, but I guess I end up over thinking it because everything seems so much more… I dunno, serious?!
@j_jaye: thanks, you have a good point on the friendship meaning different things. I know I find myself sometimes being like ‘why can’t you stay in contact with people better?’ Because to me I LIKE chatting and emailing my friends, whereas he just doesn’t. I just worry that by giving him a few days he’ll just ignore it and we’ll get to the ‘deadline’ still with no list 🙁 I guess I could give him the chance though!
Post # 6
Ha, yes I do that too. It’s the whole “it will be like this for the rest of my life!” thing. Now I think about it I also very much agree with what j_jaye said. I have found male friendships to be very different to female relationships. Especially the ones that to me appear more casual. Hidden depths I tells ya.