(Closed) FI being to nice…

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
196 posts
Blushing bee

I would tell him to tell her you are getting a phone plan together, since you’re getting married it makes more sense for this.

Money is a big issue between couples, so I would start sitting down with him and talk about managing finances, since soon you’ll be managing them together, and it won’t be his money, it will be your money together.. Not to be selfish about his mom, but to be responsible for the two of you.

Post # 4
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

Ugh, yes, all the other stuff you mentioned sounds like he’s being a good son, but the telephone and water bill is a whole other thing.  He should have his own plan (and then add you in, if that is what you two want).  I understand that his family needs help (my FI’s family is in a similar situation) but sometimes enough is enough.

Post # 5
30 posts
  • Wedding: December 1969

Yeah, this is a tricky situation considering that his mom assumes your Fiance will always be there to help her and possibly the sister too. I understand it is his family and he has probably been doing this for a very long time.  I would highly recommend that you guys discuss your future joint income and expenses i.e. housing, bills, individual bills, etc. In a nice way point out that you two are about to start a life together and that you don’t want him to not help you pay for joint household expenses.  It’s okay if he could afford to do so. But if he is not going to make ends meet in his married life because he has to help him mom that’s not going to be a happy situation for you. 

Post # 6
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@alyssaC:  Don’t worry about seeming selfish.  Clearly, neither of you are, so it’s a moot point.  As far as how to address it – give credit where credit is due, but set the expectation for change.  “Honey, you are a sweetheart for helping out your family.  But we need to plan for our future and make wiser financial decisions.  It makes sense for us to be on our phone plan since we’re getting married.  Do you agree?”  Furthermore, I would recommend setting up some type of budget for “family aid.”

Regarding his Mom – I don’t condone her attitude, but she’s been conditioned to expect certain help from her son.  It’s not her responsibility to cut off help, it’s his responsibility to set the expectation, establish boundaries, etc.  As long as you’re ok with him helping her, that’s fine… but you need to mutually agree on some type of budget. 

Good luck!

Post # 7
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Is your Fi by chance not American or first-generation American? Some of this stuff sounds cultural. Trying to figure out if he’s a mama’s boy or if culturally he was raised that he’s responsible for the women I’m the family. It sounds like his dad is not in the picture?

Post # 9
3689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

It’s one thing to help out in an emergency, provided he and his future wife (you) are both comfortable with it.  But new paint is not an emergency.  Neither is buying dinner because she’s too lazy to cook.  That’s just a waste.  She made her bed–she can lie in it.  There’s no reason for him to allow her to drag the two of you along with her.

Post # 10
427 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@strawbabies:  +1 to this! I would be so pissed in this situation! Cancelling date nights with me to take his Mum out to dinner?! Wow.

Make the sister help a lot more, and other than that everybody should be responsible for themselves / their partners i.e. you two are a team and the others aren’t your responsibility unless it is a true emergency.

Post # 11
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@alyssaC:  I read your post but you didn’t say anything about him  paying rent. If he is paying rent, then I understand why you’re upset that he keeps going over and above.

If he’s not paying rent, then I understand the mom’s point of view. A lot of people may end up moving home but there’s a big difference between living with your mom and living on your mom. Everything you listed was only $355. $355 will not get you rent in the worst areas where I live. On top of that, none of those expenses is a reoccuring cost. They’re one-time expensives.

If he lives at home he should be helping to pay the utilities, buying groceries, and buying things around the house. That’s part of being an adult and carrying your own weight.

If you think he would be out less money living on his own, I would talk to him about moving out. Or he can start paying his mom money and she can use that to help with her additional expenses. Either way will allow him to stand on his own 2 feet and not have his mom carry him.

Post # 13
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@alyssaC:  That would be a mess. With him paying for this and that, nickles here, dimes there, she probably doesn’t think it’s as much money as it is. Plus in her mind she’s saving him rent so what’s a few dollars here and there. It seems like he’s in a family that doesn’t manages it’s finances very well. In situations like that, they will cling on to anyone they can and basically drain them dry. If he doesn’t put a stop to it now, it probably won’t stop after you’re married, if you can even get to that point.

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