Post # 1
I get having a best friend of opposite sex. I had one for 15 years. My FI’s BF (besides me he says) is his ex-wife’s sister. He has a child with ex and she tries getting personal info on him/us still.
We havn’t been engaged too long but before we were, I was invited to Ladies Night out at a club. He said he’s not comfortable with me at club without him because his ex used to go clubbing and cheat on him while out. Ok, So I respected it and went and had dinner instead, not into clubs anyways.
Fast forward, he talks with his female BF nearly everyday for a long time. He’s shared personal info with her about his stresses (before coming to me) and about us. I’m not cool with this. She’s offered her advice on sex before marriage, she’s super religious. He’s gone THAT much into detail with her. I feel like every bump in our road he goes and shares with her.
She is married and he told me on two occasions how she and her husband screwed him financially. His male best friend and his wife can’t stand them and have openly shared in front of FI their reasons and FI agreed with them about how they use their religion the wrong way and how they take advantage of people. His BF has asked us numerous times to go to their church but it’s 45 min from my house and over an hour from his. We are looking for a different church but we have sooo many within 30 minutes of our homes, why would we bother trying something out that far away? I’ve told him NO, its not practical and he still pushes issue. He “so-so” likes their church so what’s the deal with him pushing it? Why is so entangled by his BF if she’s been ruthless to him on different occassions?
I don’t want to screw things up and I’ve tried talking to him about it. He says I’m jealous, OK, maybe I am. Don’t I have a right to be jealous about anyone having that close of a relationship with someone whose supposed to share those things with me first? I don’t want him to cut ties with someone who he considered family for 10 years but I would like to think our bond is greater than any other..indestructable.
I feel he has complete disregard for my feelings on this and I don’t know how to convince him this isn’t right. Am I over-reacting here? Isn’t that the point of marriage? This issue has really started my doubts flowing. What do I say/do? Please help!!
Post # 3
I am 100% in favor of opposite sex friendships, but I agree that there’s a problem here. Spending a long time on the phone everyday with a friend is really excessive, even for a same sex friend. Surely his long conversations with her must be taking away from time that you and he spend together.
If I were you, I’d focus on telling him how his relationship with her was affecting his relationship with you (less time together, less intimate/emotional communication, etc). Don’t forbid him from interacting with her, but tell him to reduce the phone calls to maybe once a week or so. If he won’t do that and doesn’t care about the impact on your marriage, then I’d suspect that the relationship may have become an emotional affair.
Post # 4
Two things wrong here. First, the deep sharing with someone of the opposite sex. Like way deeper than normal. Not cool. Quite often, when this happens one of the people has feelings, even if the other is oblivious to it. And talking sex with another woman, that’s so inappropriate it’s not funny.
Second: if someone takes advantage of me financially, it’s friendship over. (I don’t mean an honest mistake where we both lose money, I mean being taken advantage of). I can’t tolerate that sort of betrayal.
Is this woman (or her husband) a pastor? Because otherwise I can’t understand this irrational loyalty.
Now ordinarily I’d have some sympathy for going to the same church (it lets you get to know them as a couple), but this financial screwing over is a deal breaker for me. No you are not over-reacting. You need to talk to him, and demand that he pulls back from sharing with her, out of respect for you and your relationship.
Post # 5
I feel he has complete disregard for my feelings on this and I don’t know how to convince him this isn’t right. Am I over-reacting here? Isn’t that the point of marriage? This issue has really started my doubts flowing.
Just by this phrase alone, you know you have to speak to him about this concern. It is something placing doubts in your relationship. It is completely inappropriate for him to have such a deep sharing with another woman before you on major issues in his life/your life. You are not over reacting. If he can not understand why this is upsetting to you, perhaps you could bring him to talk to a trusted pastor/counselor on the issue? It is important that his emotional loyalty not be divided between his partner and someone else’s partner.
Best of luck! P.S I too would be miffed.
Post # 6
Thank you guys for the responses. It’s definately reassuring to know I’m not over-reacting here.
We had a big discussion about this, but then he told her about it. I would have been ok with him telling her if a) it was to let her know he’s pulling away like he agreed, and b) if he told me about it, but he didn’t. I had to ask him, then, for the first time ever, I think he lied to me. He skirted around the real answer and I received several contradicting ones instead. I really have no idea what he did tell her because his lack of answers only leads me to come to my own conclusion…not good. I don’t trust him right now to back off from her because he doesn’t even see why there’s a problem. I asked him if her husband was going to another woman in the extent that he is to her and before he went to her, would she agree with it? He said she would be upset with her husband. sooo…. WTHell?
End result: I’m backing off for now and guarding my feelings with him. I refuse to marry someone who connects with another female before me. So, nothing is called off, but nothing is being planned until I can trust again. Don’t know how that is going to happen because talking to him about it isn’t working since he sees nothing wrong with his actions. Don’t want to end “us” over something that may be worked out but not sure what else to do really. Talking to a Pastor is a good idea. I’ll start there:-)
Post # 7
Hey you did the right thing. I by the way am fine with Fi having friends who ar efemail I just think he having an emotional affair with her. I bet her husband isn’t too thrilled either.
Post # 8
@paula1248: I agree with this!