- 8 years ago
The love of my life has decided to break off our engagement citing personality and communication issues. We were friends for a year before dating, dated for two years and became engaged in February. Our wedding was to be next October.
I want some outside perspective as I’m way too closely related to the subject to look at it in the light that it deserves to be. We have been inseparable since almost the beginning. We started as riding partners and quickly became known as “him & her” wherever we would go. He states that he lost his identity somewhere along the way as we meshed into one. He has never acted as though he didn’t love me and we would often (even until up to 24 hours before the break up) plan our awesome future together.
Since telling me on Wednesday that he no longer wanted to be with me, his friendliness towards me hasn’t changed. We went out to a friends birthday party this weekend and it was the same old laughable, friendly us minus any hand holding or kissing. We own a home together and I will be taking over the mortgage. In doing so, I asked him a few key requests – transfer the stocks over to me (invested some of our house savings), write the passwords down to all of our Ebills, etc. He never did. He just acted as though we were still a couple – calling me on the way home from work to pick up milk, telling me he wasn’t going to ride that night, idle chit chat, etc. I hoped that with his actions he was just really confused and had cold feet with pre wedding jitters. I have been ashamed at how weak I’ve become and have even engaged in bedroom activities with him since he broke everything off.
My colleagues have been amazing and true friends. I never grew up in a family where we talked about relationships or emotions. They were something we weren’t supposed to have. Being raised like that, I have never in my 30+ years reached out to any females for close companionship as I never felt worthy of the time and effort put forth by others for me. Needless to say, I’ve been awed by how awesome these new friends are too me. They have shown me (even though I knew it) that I needed to kick him out of the house and that he was being selfish by staying there until his new apartment was ready. I couldn’t start healing until he was physical gone.
I finally did it tonight. I had the “talk” where I told him I was trying to play nice so he had no ill feelings towards me but if he cared about me as a human being than he needed to leave. Every time I looked at him my heart broke over and over again and it was killing me. He said it was inconvenient for him to move twice (once to his parents two miles down the road and then again into his new apartment) but I told him that this living situation was no longer about him. He had made that decision Wednesday night. I’m glad I held firm as the previous me would have just given it so as to not have him hate me.
A few ugly words were said but later he messaged me to tell me that he was sorry and I had been right – this was after I called his parents and left a message on their phone apologizing for kicking him out at almost 10pm but that he was still being intimate with me and treated me like nothing had happened and it was killing me. His father and I have a pretty good relationship and have had heart to hearts in the past and while the phone to them might have been more than I needed to say, I felt like they deserved to know how their son was acting towards me as I’m sure he’s painted a totally different picture. his father and I are actually meeting to talk tonight (Tuesday) about some things.
The FI (ex FI) is a very independent guy and although I’ve told him he is running away from some other issues (throwing the baby out with the bathwater) he needs to get some professional help to help him figure out things in life. He’s a very quiet man and has gone along with pretty much everything I’ve ever asked although inside, he didn’t want to but never verbalized those feelings. They then bottled up inside until this. I have seen nothing that he has cited as a deal breaker between us but I realize this is not my decision and I don’t know what is really going on his brain so I can’t actually feel what he feels.
Here’s the question – I’m having a hard time deciding how to tell his father in tonight’s meeting a few things that I believe are crucial to his son’s healing. I realize that many sons have an infatuation with their mothers in a sexual way when they are adolescents. I get that. But this guy is in his mid 20’s and likes to call out his mother’s (and his aunts – all the same age as his mom) names sometimes while in the throes of passion. I’m into role playing as much as the next person but that has always been freaky – and not in a good way. He also told me how he would sneak into her closet and watch her dress, shower etc as a child and still had fantasy’s about it now and would play with himself thinking about it.
Am I wrong to think these things are abnormal? Again, his father and I have a great relationship and have talked about some tough topics in the past but what I’m about to say to him could hurt the father/son relationship and that is not what I’m trying to do. I love this man and I want to see him get help for some obvious depression but the way it stands, I’ll get the “boys will be boys” talk if I don’t and he won’t understand the full magnitude of the issues that are conflicting him. I love this family, I still want to get married, I still want to be a part of his life but I also love him enough to let him go. I just want him to get help. Sorry if this was TMI. I just needed some people that would not judge me that I know on a personal level.