Post # 1
Hi, hive. Regular bee gone icognito for privacy reasons. First, a few stats about us: FI and I have known eachother for 8yrs, together 5, engaged for 2. We have been together since college and have thus endured plenty of growing pains. We have a strong friendship and have always had excellent communication, until recently.
FI travels for work and is gone for 75% of his time. This has been a huge challenge for us, but it’s so good for our future that we have been working through it. We have been planning our wedding for quite some time, and everything is set to go in less than 90 days.
HOWEVER- during his most recent visit home, FI dropped a bomb on me- not only does he want to postpone the wedding but he’s not even sure if he wants to marry me afterall. The primary factor is his career- he doesn’t know how he & I can fit our lives together when he wants this career path and I want a family. I always truly belived this was a temporary situation and that we would compromise- and I thought that’s what he wanted too. There are other factors as well but nothing I ever thought was unfixable or a deal-breaker. I am heartbroken about the wedding but even moreso about the state of our relationship. I am also devestated to not have seen this coming- he is my best friend and it feels like he’s been hiding his feelings from me for who knows how long.
Now the wedding is off and he’s back at work. I’m left picking up the pieces and dealing with all of the logistics with our families, vendors etc. I love my fiance and I want to work things out- but how can I forgive his cold feet? The promise and the vision that I had for our future (for the rest of my life!) has now been broken. My family is generally supportive but more than one friend has told me to pack my bags. Any helpful suggestions on healing after calling off the wedding? Or how to work things out with someone who is halfway across the world?
To top it off, my gown arrived today. 🙁
Post # 3
I’m so sorry. But I don’t think I would stick around. It’s one thing to be engaged for a long time, but another thing to call off a wedding only 90 days away that’s already had lots of planning go into it. Very cruel, he should have never proceeded or let you start making real arrangements if he felt this way.
However, think of it as a blessing. Better for it to be now than a week from the wedding date or a few years down the road – once you are married or even had a child. You needed to know this about him.
Good luck, stay strong. You deserve better.
Post # 4
So the wedding is off because he wants to focus on his career after 5 years of being together…. and you are just going to stick around for him to hopefully decide he is ready some day?
Nah, I think if he needs some more time to focus on other things you should give it to him. Get outta there
Post # 5
Uh no. Not only should he be helping you with logistics and vendors, he should be dealing with the brunt of it since this was his decision. He doesn’t get to just break your heart, take off and leave you to deal with it!!
Chin up, the next couple of days will be hard, but you will get through it!!
Post # 6
@Miss_Z: I am so sorry you’re going through this. I am all for compromise and believe that couples can work through almost anything. However, children are one thing you can’t compromise on because you can’t have half a kid. If he is focused on his career, and it sounds like it takes a lot of his time, and you are focused on family, then neither of you are to blame. You just have different visions for your future.
I think this issue should have been discussed well before a wedding was planned because it is a definite deal breaker. You need to have a similar view for your future, or else how can you be life partners? Unless one of you is willing to give up what you want, then I don’t see how the relationship can work. Even if you do have kids, he will be an absent father and I’m not sure that’s the idea of family life you are looking for.
As hard as it is, I wouldn’t stick around. I’d find someone who had goals and priorities that were in line with my own.
Post # 7
I’m with the others: he *just* figured out now that your two sets of hopes and dreams aren’t compatible? Dick move. Do not wait around for this guy.
Post # 8
I’m sorry. Sounds like it’s time to move on. Focus on the positives in your life. Spend time with family and friends. Be thankful he called it off now and not after the wedding. If he doesn’t see a family in his future and you definitely want one then you deserve to find someone with the same aspirations as you.
Post # 9
Wow – I really don’t see why he gets to leave for work and you get stuck with unplanning the wedding, that is his job. It’s a really awful thing to go through, but you are much more important than a job and you deserve to be with someone who spends that quality time with you.
Post # 10
He should be dealing the logistics of cancelling the wedding. He wants to postpone the wedding, he can deal with the consequences and shield you from the heartbreak.
I also would not wait around for him to return home. You need to move on for yourself. You can’t do that if he is constantly reappearing and disappearing from your life. If you live together, inform him he will need to find a new home. Ask him to pack up his stuff on his next business trip home (while you are not home), and leave you in peace. If not, simply cut off contact for a while while you focus on what you want and need.
You need time to heal and focus on yourself. After 8 years together he should know if he wants to marry you. Don’t wait around for him to make up his mind about you. Move on without him.
If he comes back to you, and you decide to accept him, great. Sometimes men don’t know what they have until it is gone. If not, you WILL find someone who wants the same things you do.
Don’t waste another second on him. He made his priorities clear, make yours clear too.
I’m very sorry this happened to you, cyber hugs.
Post # 11
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I dont think I would be able to move forward from this, and still be in a relationship with him. You have been together a long time, and even the engagement was pretty lengthy. He should not have been confused at this point, and if he had doubts he should have approached you before 90 days before the wedding. I’m really sorry you have to go through this, but how will you ever feel secure in your relationship now? You will constantly be questioning his feelings.
Post # 12
I am so sorry you are having to deal with all of this, my heart goes out to you.
I have been in a relationship for 6 years, engaged 2, gone to college with my FI, getting married in 4 moths, and can’t even imagine what you are feeling.
You need to do what is right for YOU in this situation. Take a few days with no communication and do soul searching, figure out what you want most in life and how important getting married and having a family is to you. Do you think you can live with out these, and is your relationship possibly working out important enough to sacrifice that (if even for a short time)? Could you go back to just being a girlfriend and be happy?
I don’t know that I could do it, but I think if there is any posibility of working things out you and your FI need to do some talking and counseling. I would hold calling your vendors a few days until you figure things out emotionally, give him some time to think things through, and then come together and talk more.
Post # 13
I agree with Panda. Without knowning the full story, I don’t think he’s a bad or guy or that he’s in the wrong. I don’t know under what circumstances you got engaged or if his career path has since changed, but I think this is something you should have discussed before getting engaged.
I think if a bride posted on the bee that she was sad but realized she had to break off her wedding because she wanted to focus on her career, we’d all jump to support her.
I think you will both (eventually) be glad that this was discovered before you got married.
I don’t think you should stick around. I don’t think he wants you to stick around but he’s not strong enough to realize it yet. You’ll find someone who wants what you want!!
Post # 14
@Miss_Z: I’m so sorry! I only had to MOVE my wedding date (been a rotten year, planning is going backwards fast with our workload and unforeseen degree workload to boot!) and I am upset so I CAN’T imagine what you are feeling 🙁
Look, you are wondering about forgiving his cold feet, there is no moving on. He has said he wants to postpone and possibly not get married and he works 75% of the time, sounds like he figured out his priorities (far far too late). He isn’t handling it well, and I agree with PP ‘dick move’ indeed.
Post # 15
@Bubbles42: Agreed. It’s terrible he’s left you to deal with the aftermath, that’s really not cool, but actually recognizing what you both want from life are different things is hard and I give him props for saying something and not going through with a marriage. It’s time to walk away from him.
Post # 16
@Miss_Z: I love my fiance and I want to work things out- but how can I forgive his cold feet?
I think the key point here is that he isn’t asking you to forgive him. He said he doesn’t think he wants to marry you and he left it at that. If you haven’t already done so, read The Rules. You need to let him break it off if that’s what he says he wants to do. Being clingy or trying to patch things up from your end would create a temporary fix, if anything. Stay strong. It sucks, but things will get better!