FI can't be excited about wedding because of family – Long & Venty

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 4
875 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  that SUCKS. I am so sorry. **hugs** I have not dealt with that situation but I can relate to grooms dealing w/ unexpected sadness about the wedding. My only advice is to hear out his feelings for the first bit & make sure he feels listened to. Then closer to the wedding ramp up the positivity! I had a really short planning period but I tried to give DH space to express his feeling fully (bc that’s good for dudes)  before I started POSITIVE VIBING him. Because you’re right– the key would be to focus on the people who are actually there.

But for you— good for your FI for actually talking about his feelings because so many guys don’t do that!!! This situation sucks but it is yet another opportunity for you and your FI to face the crazy world as a team!


Post # 5
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I think your FI needs counceling.  He is hurt from his past but he’s also not dealing well and over generalizing.  His sister and her son (and her hubs?) WILL be there.

He is not little orphan Annie.  He needs to deal with this psycologically.  He has his sister and nephew.  He has his grandfather and uncle, too.   Make an effort (even if it means helping them get to the wedding)…it sounds like you are.

He needs to accept his family for who they are.  His parents are abusive and manipulative.  He needs to read books on toxic people and make a break.

This is not something you can fix, it is something he needs to come to terms with.  My friend never had her dad in her life and she’s finally (at 34) in councelling for it, but she already made mistakes with her choices in men and now she’s raising a daughter with the same daddy problems.  However, recognizing this, she’s slowly began to improve.  It is up to him, he needs to get out of the victim state and transition to survivor.

Post # 6
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@Sapphire-Dreamer:  This is an unorthodox suggestion, but since he’d wanted to elope anyway, what about just not inviting his family members he’s worried about?  If they questioned it, he could reference what they did to his sister, and just say he assumed they’d do the same to him.

It all really hinges on how he wants the day to go, and his relationships to play out, but it is a day for the both of you to be happy, not stressed.

Post # 7
2807 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

FI isn’t super close with his family and was worried about them but everyone came together at the last minute.  I think that you should not worry about it.  Anyone who shows up causes drama will just make themselves look stupid.  Just remind FI that this is about you and him, his family is not a part of his sister’s life and she seems better off for it.  Them coming even if they do ruin the wedding should not affect your marriage at all.  Just talk it through to FI what he wants to do if they act up and remind him no matter what happens at the end of the day you two will be married and no one can take that away from you.

As far as the culture thing it doesn’t seem to matter to his family as you’ve said you and him are both PR and they were still talking smack.  They just seem like they are toxic people in general.  My family is pretty open but dad told me that at our wedding some family that didn’t know my FI were surprised that my dad was “letting me marry a white boy”  I find that funny because my mom is white and dad married her.  Also FI knows Spanish and the whole ceremony was done that way in the family church etc etc.  My dad just shot back to them “Well he has a job” which make me laugh quite a bit.

If his family does show up and cause drama it seems his sis has some one liners as my dad did to just quiet them down and shut their mouths.  Everything will be fine no matter what.  Just come up with a plan for what to do like assign a cousin to escort them away and have a talk with them should the need arise. 

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