- 5 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
I’m still relatively new to the boards in terms of posting, but I’ve been coming on this site at least three times a day since I got engaged back in May. I’m feeling very lost and disoriented right now and thought this would be a good place to share my story.
Like I said in the title, Fiance cheated on me and then spent almost four weeks dragging out the situation before finally breaking up with me. We had been together for 5.5 years and our wedding was supposed to be this June. The last two years of our relationship have been long distance.
This type of thing has happened twice before in our relationship. In the summer of 2009, I went abroad for three weeks and when I came back he told me he liked another girl while I was gone, they “just cuddled,” he was so sorry and he would do anything to make it better, yada yada. We moved past it. Then again in the winter of 2011, during our first few months of long distance, he felt a “connection” with another girl. Nothing happened, supposedly, and it took him a while but we both decided we wanted to stay in the relationship. Through all of this, I had been struggling with severe anxiety. It finally became too much for me to handle in the fall of 2011 (and looking back, I believe Fiance is the one who caused it). I have been going to counseling and taking care of myself and becoming a better person. He proposed in May 2012. The most recent time, he felt a “connection” with a girl, went on a date without knowing it was date (yeah, right) and “just kissed her” which I don’t believe for a second. I told him I was willing to try to work this out, but he touted some BS about how his job had been to take my anxiety away and now he had to let me go, blah blah blah. All excuses. How dare he try to take credit for managing my anxiety- that’s something I did on my own, for myself. We spent a week not talking, and he told me (without having to ask) that he would not be in contact with this other girl. A week later, we broke up, and I found out from a friend that he’s been spending a ton of time with her and they went to a Halloween party together in a couple’s costume. When confronted, he claimed he wasn’t trying to pursue the relationship and that it wasn’t wrong. Well, fact of the matter is, we were still engaged. So I said, congratulations, another infidelity to add to your giant list!
I know this may make me seem silly. I basically stayed in an abusive relationship. I’m not going to say that I should have known better, because I haven’t done anything wrong. I have only been myself – a kind, caring, loving, forgiving, trusting person – and he’s been himself – a selfish a-hole. I also think he has severe committment and attachment issues from his childhood, due to a messy divorce and his grandfather’s death when he was very young. He will either have to face that some day, or he will keep living in his fantasy world where he’s not even happy.
I’ve also been thinking about other things in our relationship that are eye-openers now. My father was admitted to the ICU and was on a ventilator in September. I flew home from graduate school and asked Fiance to come and support me for a few days. With no hesitation whatsoever, he replied “Absolutely not. I’m going to see my family this weekend.” Last March, FI’s Dad was diagnosed with cancer. I spent my spring break with Fiance and his family (and didn’t get to see my own ailing father) because I knew that’s what I had to do, without a thought. Last summer we postponed a trip for a week because FI’s step-grandmother was ill. I did that without a thought, too. He can’t even take three days for my FATHER, who has fed him and sheltered him numerous times over the past five years? It’s disgusting, and childish, and so selfish.
I know this is for the best. Thank GOD this happened before we got married or had children. I don’t deserve to be treated this way, and I don’t want to marry a selfish, childish person. I’m handling it pretty well. I have a great therapist, wonderful friends near and far, and a strong family behind me. Logically, I know I will be better off. But, that doesn’t make the pain any less severe. I think this is one of the hardest things I will ever go through. My world is upside down. I am just wondering if anyone has dealt with a similar situation or can just offer some guidance or advice or support. I am completely devastated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.