FI doesn't support my dreams for our wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Kellym84:  If his mom gave him money for something specific then he should use it the way she wanted. As for doing your own hair/makeup, getting a basic cake, and hiring quality but affordable caterer/photographer….that all sounds reasonable. 

Does he feel this way because of cost? Is he not contributing because this isn’t his idea of what the wedding should be like? Can he afford to help more? 

 

Post # 4
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - SPRING VALLEY COUNTRY CLUB

So it sounds like you’re used to taking control of situations regarding money in your relationship. So maybe he feels this shouldn’t be any different? 

Since you’re paying for mostly everything, you just need to make sure you’re comfortable with what you’re spending. My FI would’ve been happy with getting married at his mother’s church his family cooking food and having the reception in the church basement. I know a lot of people who chose to do that. It just wasn’t my choice and we are not doing that.

As far as him not “Sharing in your dreams” for the wedding. To be honest with you most men don’t care about the wedding details. They mostly looking at the cost. He might have some feelings behind the fact that you are paying for everything. Mayve he doesn’t want to watch you spend all your money knowing he wasn’t able to contribute as much as he would have liked?

You can do your own make up. I am not sure when your wedding is. But youtube is an awesome tool. Or see if anyone knows somebody who does it and will do it on the cheap. As far as your hair you can do that too. But if you’re not wanting to that’s something different.  

Post # 5
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

Kellym84:  Why are you paying for his and his groomsmen’s suits? If he received money from his mother, and is asking you to cut back on what you are spending money on…it would make sense that he not spend the entire $500 on a car (which is a lot) and spend some of that on his suit.

I would suggest sitting down, establishing a firm budget, writing out all of the expenses and coming to an agreement of how it will be paid. It doesn’t sound like your relationship in terms of finances is very equitable right now. I understand he is in school and only works part time, but maybe he needs to find more work if he can’t pay for more of the “normal life” expenses.

Post # 6
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Kellym84:  I didn’t wear makeup until my wedding came and I got SO much help from the WB. Everyone helped me find products, told me how to apply, and helped me see why certain products go where. I started trying makeup a month before my wedding and by the time I got married I was pretty good at it! 

Are you ready to be married to someone who can’t contribute? I know it is frusterating to pay for the wedding by yourself but you knew he couldn’t contribute a lot. If you are just upset about him not being appreciattive then I would take a step back to try and see it from his point of view. He probably wants to give you what you want but is frusterated that he can’t. This is the wedding YOU want and it’s a wedding he can’t help with. Have you tried talking to him about this? 

 

Post # 7
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

You’re paying for it, so you get to decide what the money goes to. We answer this whenever a Bee says that her parents, ect are paying for the wedding that whoever holds the purse strings has the bigger say. He’s not paying a dime towards the wedding so he can live with whatever YOU choose to pay for. It’s not like he has strong feelings about his own vision, in which case I would tell you guys to give and take.

In this case, he can deal. As long as you are paying everything cash in hand and will have ZERO debt after the wedding, then it’s not “our” money, it’s your money until the papers are signed.

Post # 8
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Floofy:  I get the idea of wanting to save his parents’ gift for a deposit on the house, but I don’t think it’s right that he’s not really contributing anything to the wedding and then doesn’t want you to use even a little of that money. You don’t want to break the bank, though. How is expensive is your wedding turning out to be? It’s hard to tell if you’re going overboard or if you are really being budget-conscious.

Post # 9
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I think you guys just need to sit down and work out an overall budget. It will probably be easier to discuss finances with him if you have the big number in mind as opposed to haggling over the price of every individual vendor or purchase.

Weddings are a major expense; it will be the most expensive single day of your life. Your FI needs to come to terms with this. He needs to be supportive. It’s not fair for you to go through this on your own.

I would talk about this over dinner with him. Discuss what it is you both want for your wedding. If he wants to just go to the registry but you want a more traditional wedding, you need to find a compromise. Maybe that would mean cutting the guest list. Maybe it would mean using an iPod hook up instead of a DJ. Maybe it would mean using silk flowers or string up lights instead of spending a lot of flowers. It sounds like you are already being very budget conscious; I would just make sure he knows this.

Post # 10
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Floofy:  I second this. If you and your family are paying, then it’s fair that you can decide where the money goes.

 

That said, none of the things you mentioned are actually necessities. Plently of people don’t have limos or makeup artists, much less caterers. The only real “basics” are you, your spouse, and a legally binding document. I’d suggest making a list of every expense, ranking them by priority, and cutting out the bottom 1/4th of the list (or whatever it takes to meet your budget without dipping into your house savings).

Post # 12
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

It sounds like what you’re asking for is completely reasonable. I also can’t do my own hair and makeup for the life of me, so I understand the absolute need to pay for those things. I can’t even make a straight line with my eyeliner, or curl my own hair. If you’re just as…”talented” as me in those areas, then yes, I’d make room in your budget.

I agree with the Bees about making a priority list. What’s most important to you(besides your groom and the vows, of course!), what would make your wedding FEEL like a wedding? Put three or so things at the top of the list. Those are your “I won’t budge for anything” items, and everything below that you will agree to be flexible on. Cut out the fluff but maintain what means something to you.

Post # 14
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

 

Kellym84:  I am glad to hear it is working out. At least he does think about finances. Don’t know if the invites have gone out, but one possibility is to scale down the guest list quite a bit. This allows you to still spoil the guests you do have. The wedding can still be elegant and special.

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