FI doesn't understand why I don't want to walk home alone at night…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 4
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

My husband flipped out at me for walking home alone from the train station at our old apartment WHEN IT WAS STILL LIGHT OUT. Because he’s seen one too many women beaten/robbed/raped because they forgot that being tough and independent and self-sufficient isn’t really going to help you if you’re alone and someone bigger and stronger wants to hurt you.

I second what Jijitattoo:  said — he doesn’t understand because he’s a man. Maybe ask him if he’d prefer to buy you a handgun to carry in your purse since he can’t be bothered to escort you safely home. /sarcasm

Post # 2
143 posts
Blushing bee

Your fears are not silly.

I have lived in lots of places and until now (touch wood) have never been attacked, mugged, scared by someone etc because I am very aware of where I am walking and what I am doing. I will wall 10 minutes out of my way to avoid an alley or underpass that makes me feel slightly wary or corss the road so that I am not walking next to bushes/a field so that nobody can grab me.

Call me paranoid, but it has kept me safe so far! 

Could you maybe get a bike? Not sure if it is safe to cycle where you live, but you’d get home a lot quicker and feel a lot safer.


Post # 3
2670 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

“You don’t get it because you’re a man. You can either accept that it’s the truth without any more comments or judgment, or you can fucking well educate yourself — there are hundreds of websites online that you could find in very little time and with very little effort — so that you don’t keep sounding like an idiot.”

This is not the kindest way to address the issue, but I would be very very tempted.

Post # 5
8518 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2014


ZebraPrintMe:  We live about a 10 minute walk from a gas station. The other night I was going to walk to get me a drink (it was around 10pm.) I hadn’t asked my FI to walk with me because he had just got home from work and I figured he’d want to stay home and relax. I was halfway there when my FI caught up to me, because he didn’t feel comfortable with me walking alone. There had been a guy walking on the sidewalk about 40 feet in front of me, and then he walked off the side walk and disappeared behind a bush. Right when I was walking by (this was right when FI caught up with me) I looked over and saw the guy hiding in the bushes staring at me. I really think that if FI hadn’t showed up then he wouldn’t have just stared, he would have tried to have done something.

And that was after about 5 minutes of walking, maybe not even that. I definitely wouldn’t go walking alone for 30 minutes at night.

Post # 8
4413 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

ZebraPrintMe:  ah, well then maybe a baseball bat! Not that you should actually carry one, but rather that you should tell your FI that if he’s not going to walk with you, then you’ll want to carry a weapon. Hopefully the thought of you walking home with a baseball bat in hand — which would be ridiculous — will be enough to get him up off his arse! When I was in college, the entire student body got emailed every time someone was attacked in the vicinity of campus. Every single weekend, at least four women would be mugged/beaten within a mile of campus, and the stories all went the same way: “a woman was walking alone down Prospect street at 2am when 3 men …” And this was in a very rich neighborhood.

The fear of getting attacked is not a ridiculous fear at all. Especially since IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED TO YOU.

Post # 9
2428 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Dude, no. You are not being too sensitive at all! Your anxieties are very justified. I don’t get what pointing out that your “fears are silly” is supposed to do. It’s better to be paranoid than dead. It’s harsh but it’s true. Don’t feel bad that he came out to walk you home, when he offered!! Ugh. I hope he comes to his senses.

Post # 10
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Don’t feel bad for having him walk you home because he did offer. You have been through such a bad situation that justifies why you feel the way you do. He needs to be reminded that regardless of how much of an adult you are, he should be sensitive to your feelings and take care of you regardless. While it didn’t cause an argument or spark a conversation about it, I do think that it might be a good idea to bring it up when you’re both open to a discussion. Maybe reminding him of your feelings will help him to realize how you feel.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  omglauren.
Post # 11
5162 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

ZebraPrintMe:  He was probably just grumpy because when push came to shove he’d have rather gone to bed.  I’ve certainly bitched to my husband before that I don’t understand why he needs me to do x, y, or z when I was in a less than ideal mood (tired, hungry, stressed, whatever) although I didn’t really mean it.  Maybe I meant it a little, but it was mostly the bad mood talking.

Sorry to hear about what happened to you when you were younger.  That’s really scary.  

Post # 12
989 posts
Busy bee

ZebraPrintMe:  I think he’s a bit deluded if he thinks it’s perfectly safe for you to walk home alone. My SO got king hit walking 10 minutes home (3 blocks!) a couple of years ago, and he’s 6ft tall and would be perfectly capable of defending himself – if he knows it’s coming. The fact that someone could do that to him makes me realise that it could happen to anyone. I had never liked the idea of him walking anywhere at night, I’m always happy to go pick him up at whatever time, and now he realises how dangerous walking around by yourself at night can be – even for men.

Your FI should understand that you have been through this before, and that random attacks DO happen.

 In future, maybe you should drive or take a taxi? Better to be safe.

Post # 13
2387 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

ZebraPrintMe:  You are not being too sensitive- things like this happen all the time in all kinds of areas to all kinds of people! Plus, he offered first! Maybe in the future you could get pepper spray or a taser? Both DH & I carry pepper spray at all times after someone almost followed me home after a dog fight (mine is leash reactive & his was illegally unleashed) and he nearly got ran over after fighting with some drunk guy about backing into our car…. I feel much safer carring it around now- I’m still on high alert if I’m alone at night or in a remote/deserted area. My grandma just got a taser because she doesn’t feel comfortable walking around by herself, even in daylight! I think they have a taser case you can put on your i-phone now… 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  .
Post # 14
560 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I have been fortunate enough to have not had an experience like you have, but I was with you even before you mentioned the attack.

I think you may need to explain the difference in how men and women are raised. If you had the typical experience of girls being raised to have to be more careful than boys, then even if you hadn’t had the awful experience you had it would make sense for you not to want to walk alone at night. I was told from a very early age that scary things can happen if I’m not super aware of my surroundings and make good choices. My brother was not raised in this way. Regardless of whether you think it’s good that girls are raised this way (clearly, raising girls to be objects in need of protection is harmful) it’s a fact of life and it gets into your psyche. I think many women are naturally more afraid of walking alone at night because of the way we’re raised as well as actual statistics of women being attacked. I think maybe if you explained this to him he might get a little more why you feel this way. Of course, the fact that you have been attacked before makes all this moot: he should already get it.

I think he was probably tired and didn’t actually mean what he said, but this conversation is necessary so it doesn’t happen again. You absolutely are not being too sensitive.

Post # 15
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

ZebraPrintMe:  Your fears are totally legitimate. 

But, I wish my man would ‘let’ me do more things on my own. Like, walking home at night, or spending time in another city by myself. He doesn’t like me to, and gets mad when I do. But he doesn’t have to have a babysitter… so I don’t want one either (unless I ask you to come along)!

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