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Putting things all together...

FI doesn't want to have sex with me anymore it seems like

posted 4 months ago in Intimacy
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    I will warn all, this is a long post with way too much TMI so I apologize in advance

    This is going to be really hard for me to write and very hard for me to articulate. A little bit about my FI and myself. We have been together a little over 2 years, and ALMOST everything has been perfect. When we first started dating seriously, we couldn't keep our hands off of each other. We would just lounge around on Saturdays and have sex. We would lay awake at night and hold each other, touching, kissing, having sex even though we knew we had to get up in 4 hours and go to work. Around the 6 month mark, it started slacking off some. I expected that, it is normal for couples to go through phases of being more/less intimate. What went from 3-4 times a week went down to about 2-3. Then it dwindled even more than that it was more like 1-2 times a week. Now it more like 1x a week-10 days.

    He hasn't initiated sex in months. He will tell me, " we will have sex tomorrow night". Then the next night rolls around, he brushes his teeth, pulls of his boxers, climbs into bed. We kiss, I unclothe my own self and get on top. If I pull him on top of me he basically lays there, giving minimal effort. I know he can do more than this because he used to throw my legs behind his head, try different techniques and be over all more into IT. Sometime we will have an entrie sexual episode and he will not have grabbed my boobs or butt one single time.

    He can rarely finish through sex, I normally have to give him head to get him to go. This can take a very long time, but I am VERY determined for us to both be satisfied so I will keep going until he orgasms. I wanted to try and spice things up a few months ago, so I suggested we watch porn together. He basically laughed and thought it was hilarious and said it was a dangerous experiment because what if he looked to "into it" and I got my feelings hurt ( ummmm am I not the one who suggested it!! I digress...). About 2 months ago and I went to Victorias Secret and bought a $125 pink sparkly bra ( I know, ridiculous but it made my boobs look amazing), thigh high lace stockings with little bows on them. a garter belt, a thong and curled my hair the certain way he likes it. His response? ( I also lit candles and had a playlist of slow songs going)... he wanted to go to sleep. He said he was sorry and rolled over. I went in the bathroom and cried, and cried and cried A LOT more than I ever want to admit lol. I took back the bra, I actually forgot to remove the tag off of the back THANKG GOD, but not before I left it on the dresser for a few days so he saw it.

    He asked me about it an entire MONTH later and said that he was an asshole for doing that. We now have our own house, so I thought things would get better. They are basically the same. We have sex when planned and he gets pretty irked when I try to seduce him during the day/evening/early night. He used to go down on me all the time and now  I have to request it ( to which he has told me NO before).

    Bees, I am so lost! We have talked about it over and over again. He swears up and down it is not me, he swears it is him. I have point blank asked him if he finds me attractive ( resounding yes), if everything feels good that I am doing or attempting to do ( resounding yes). He is on antidepressants, but he has been on them  for 8 years now and he has never had this problem with any of his other partners! I know how many women he has had sex with (over 40), and I am the ONLY one who just cannot seem to get him going. ME. His future wife.

    I am not worried that he has some secret porn addiction. Hell, I probably look at it more than he does and I KNOW that I masturbate more than he does! He just chalks it up to low libido, but it is doing such a number on my self esteem I find myself crying. Not cool! I work out, eat right, have friends, try to make myself appealing by removing all outside stressors ( doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning, running errands so he will have more energy). I am so exhausted trying to "think outside of the box" to get my Fiance to want to sleep with me and more than just stick his penis in me for a few minutes but actually WANT to do it. He is a very honest person, so I feel he would tell me if there really was some strange problem with me. I know with other girls he had very outlandish and kinky sex with, but ours is very plain and the most kinky thing  I can get him to do with me  was to have sex in the shower once about a year ago.

    I wear lingerie ( other than that one time mentioned earlier) and he responds to it, or he gets hard at least. I try to have sex with him on the couch ( hasn't happened yet), in his new truck just for fun ( had it since July, hasn't happened yet). I am tired of crying and feeling like a total loser. He knows it bothers me, he apologizes periodically and admits to not fulfilling me sexually.

    PLEASE tell me someone else has been here before?! HELP ME!

     
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    brideatbeach    June 4, 2011  

    @lonelybee12: Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like there are some deep-set issues going on with your DH. Does he seem depressed or emotionally withdrawn, as well, or is it just a physical thing? Perhaps he's battling with depression... that can certainly affect sex. Can you think of any stresses or anything that would be overwhelming him? Work, family, etc.?

     
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    tksjewelry    June 25, 2011   Omaha

    Sorry, that is a tough thing to go through.  Has he spoken to his doctor about this?  Sometime the med can interfere with sex drive and I know they have to be changed every so often and he may have gotten to the point of where they need to be changed.  It is worth speaking to his doctor about at least.

     
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    claireos    September 8, 2012   Maryland

    You said that he's been on antidepressants for 8 years but has he recently upped his dose or changed the type of meds he's taking? That could cause an adverse reaction and effectively kill his libido.Your body can also just decide that it no longer wants to cope with a drug that you've been taking for a long time. He needs to go see a doctor because whether or not it is the meds, a destroyed libido could mean his meds are acting up or could indicate other medical issues. Or if he's leading an unhealthy lifestyle and the doctor knows his libido is shot, the doctor could suggest ways to correct it.

    I really do think you guys need to see a couples counselor that specializes in sexual compatibility. I've been in your situation and it sounds like you've repeatedly bent over backwards for him. This has to stop. You deserve to feel wanted, needed. Stop hiding in the bathroom and crying. If he pulls some crap like that, let yourself cry in front of him. You shouldn't hide your hurt. He needs to know how much this pains you.

    I also think the counselor could help because perhaps he wasn't emotionally connecting with these other women. Perhaps they were just a just a quick bang and the thrill of the hunt was his thing. If that's the case, since he loves you, he's not seeing you as just an object and because you aren't an object to be used he isn't interested in having sex with you. If there is an emotional hurdle keeping him back, a counselor could help with that.

    I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I know it's incredibly hurtful. Maybe next time he insists that it's not you and it's him and he just has a low libido, maybe you should tell him to just fake it till he makes it then. Because you have needs too.

     
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    Chay    June 15, 2013  

    @lonelybee12:  Oh, I am soooo sorry this is happening to you.  But, MAYBE, it is a medical problem.  I work at a family physicians office, and men of all ages (20 plus) have come in with low libido.  If men have very low testosterone levels, it's hard for them to get aroused.  It can also cause them to be depressed, which doesn't help the sexual situation.  As men age, their bodies naturally decrease in testosterone levels.  But, I would have him consult a medical doctor, to see if he has low testosterone, or any other medical issues that would cause him to have a low libido.  They have testosterone therapy if he really has low testosterone.

    Also, you said he's on anti-depressants, do you know if they changed the type he's taking? If he's taking a different kind, it may be the cause of the low libido.

    Don't fault yourself,  I can understand how that would make any women feel worse of herself.  Seek medical help first.  I don't know what else to say. Please update, I hope everything works out for you.  If it's not a medical condition maybe seek couples counseling and sex therapy.  Good luck.

     
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    daybyday    November 11, 2006  

    Hmmm. We're there any drastic changes following your engagement? Is it possible this is some kind of Madonna/Whore thing, where he feels differently and asexual BECAUSE you will be his wife, not just his lover?

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    he has changed them a little, as far as his meds go. I dont remember what he was on before, but now he is on Cymbalta. I understand that it does affect sex drives, but I just don't understand why now. He hasn't seen a doctor about it, although I think he would be open to that idea because he has mentioned it a few times or getting his testosterone checked. As far as couples counseling, I highly doubt he would be willing to go down that road. 

     

    @claireos: I have cried in front of him several times and I actually did cry once during sex, it was pretty pathetic. Not the happy , " I love you so much" sex cry but the " WHY can't you just pretend you even want to be in the same room as me right now" cry.

    He goes from being extremely defensive about it to very remorseful of how our sex life has turned out. He told me once that he actually felt sorry for me because he knows I deserve to be in a more sexual relationship. I know he has talked to his friends about it a little, but they are no doctors so their best guess is that he is just getting older and settling down. Wait, WHAT?! Just because you hit 29 doesn't mean your libido stops!

    I am just so frustrated/hurt/embarrassed by the whole thing! I have seen, even MET other women he has slept with and it is not like I am not a top contender! I know that is such a vain thing to even say or think about, but it is coming to the point where I need to build myself back up every so often.

     
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    smyley    May 2010  

    Do you think that your aggressiveness is turning him off? Many men want to be the ones to initiate, but from what it sounds like, you are the one doing all the work. Its working in reverse for him.

    I'd stop asking, forcing the issue and crying about it. Let him come to you.

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @brideatbeach: he goes through phases. He seems depressed sometimes and withdrawn sometimes but then others he seems fine. I just feel like he avoids me when he knows it as been 3,4,5,,6+ days since sex. I know the tricks, I used to do them with my ex. I would be tired, stressed, act like I didn't know what he was trying to do and go to sleep or ignore him. Guess what, he ended up cheating on me. I am not saying that I would do that to my Fiance, because I love him so much and I just couldn'r bear that kind of betrayal. I would end the engagement before I cheated on him. However; I feel almost like this is karma from my relationship with my ex, because now I know what it feels like to be rejected so much. 

     
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    Rush1986      

    It seems like he is very aware of his issue.  And honestly i think its probably a medical issue.  Depression can definitely affect sex drives.  Trust me.  And he seems to be genuinely remorseful about it.  I would ask him to see a doctor. 

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @smyley: I tried that before,  I didn't mention it once and we went almost a month before sex. We last had sex on Monday night of this past week and I haven't mentioned it at all this week/weekend and have decided I won't. He knows I want to. He knows where to find me. It is just a matter of IF he will do anything about it. I honestly think it has nothing to do with him at this point and is more of I can't handle much more rejection without some type of breakthrough.

     
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    SoonToBeMrsMoose    August 18, 2012  

    I sometimes have a very low sex drive and am sometimes depressed. Often, it's because I don't feel sexy, therefore I don't want to have sex feeling all icky about myself(I feel fat or whatever). It drives my fiance nuts because he thinks I'm not attracted to him when this happens, but the better I feel about myself the more I want to do it, so maybe he just needs to do something for himself to make himself more confident.

     
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    Chay    June 15, 2013  

    Hmmm.....definately seek help from a medical doctor then.  It could be a combination of new antidepressants with low testosterone.  Or just one or the other, or just another medical issue altogether. 

    Don't put yourself down.  I am sure his ego is hurt by this as well, as he feels he can't sexual please you at this time.  Men don't feel like men if they feel inadequate in this area.  Obviously, it is a big deal for him too, because why else would he consult his guy friends about it.  Think about it, this is a very embarrassing subject for men to admit.  So why would he even divulge that info, unless he really thinks "he" has a problem, and NOT that "you" are the problem.  Plus the added pressure doesn't help his sexual drive or ego either. 

    Seek medical help first, then go from there. 

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @SoonToBeMrsMoose: hm, thats interesting. I mean, I think he looks FANTASTIC, and  I know he wants to tone up and lose a couple before the wedding/honeymoon. Even if he didn't and stayed the exact same he would look great. 

     

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @Chay: I think he does need to see the dr. Trying to convince him could be tough, I wonder how serious he is about it when he does mention it. I TRY not to put pressure on him, and I am as encouraging as I possibly can be. I mean. as far as experience goes he has 10x more experience and past partners than I do, so I know he doesn't need to feel like he has to live up to some past lover or anything. I also know that with other women he would have sex in random, hot places and also try *ahem* new things that he hasn't tried with me, even though I want to and am willing to. So then it DOES feel like me, but then it doesn't, but then it does. It runs in cycles.

     

    Sorry for the rambling self loathing. I appreciate the vent so much. I have almost written this post 3 or 4 times and deleted it the past few months because it is so embarrasing! I figured if I know I won't talk with friends about it I will talk with someone about it just to get it off of my chest.

     
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    smyley    May 2010  

    I was on Cymbalta for a year, and went off because of the foggy,cloudy,drowsy feeling that I felt  while taking it. If he's having any of those side efffects and his body is just getting used to them, I can see where sex is the last thing on his mind.

    I still thiink you need to leave him alone. He's aware there's an issue and it may be making him more self conscious knowing you're having a hard time accepting it. I know I was more annoyed by being approached when my head and heart wasn't in it (for whatever reason at the time). His libido may be decreased by the meds, but you can't fix that..he needs to talk to the prescribing Dr. about it.

    http://depression.emedtv.com/cymbalta/cymbalta-side-effects.html

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @smyley: thank you for posting the link to the side effects.  He MAY  be having a hard time accepting that he isn't the young guy who used to be able to hook up with whoever he wanted to, and I certainly do TRY to leave him alone, but I have needs too and sometimes they're very strong ! Is it too much to ask your future hubby to just pretend to want to have sex  a couple times a week? I mean, a part of me feels selfish for needing so much, but the other part of me feels like I am not out of the ordinary here with my wants and desires.

     
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    SandyDollHair    September 3, 2012   Vancouver Island

    Your post sounds like a mirror-image of my life with FI. It was as if I'd written it.

    He is older than your partner, but he is on heart medications and has depression and type 2 diabetes. He was also shown to have low testosterone.

     

    It doesn't make the situation better, but it gives me some understanding of what's going on.

     
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    sexxysheddy    October 21, 2012   Dirty Jersey

    My heart goes out to you because after reading your post I feel like you just told my story. My FI is bald and has taken some meds for hair lost. He got precription for the bue pill but those were so pricey he jsut top. its like $10 a dam bill. I have no real answer for you but will agree with PP that he might need professional help. Huges

     
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    kay01    May 27, 2012   NH/VT

    @lonelybee12: I would also add that the frequency of interactions for most people is less than they report publicly.  I read somewhere that if polled, people say higher than they will anonymously.  So while 2-3 times a week may seem normal to you, in your age bracket, particularly as you age, that maybe be on the higher end.  If you're trying to compromise, you'll need to find some middle ground between between your 2-3/week and his 1 per 2-3 weeks (I realize you currently are at 1 per 10 days, but it sounds like that actually isn't what he'd do in the absence of your encouragement, so his baseline is lower).  Where that point is that both of you can work with, I can't say, only you guys can.

     
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    smyley    May 2010  

    HaHa...but he IS a young guy! That's exactly why he needs to tell his Dr. exactly what's going on. They can fix it if they don't know about it.

    Of course its normal to want to be intimate with your man, and hopefully with some help things will be more normal.

     
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    Chay    June 15, 2013  

    @lonelybee12:  my heart goes out to you.  I am glad you finally posted this problem that has been eating at you.  Sometimes you just need to get it off your chest, even if it makes you feel a bit better.  WB is definately a great place to vent.   I hope he truly is willing to seek medical help.  I truly wish you the best of luck.

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    UGH.... I am just SO so SO frustrated. I caved. I mentioned it to him tonight and he got pissed. All i said was that we havent slept together since Monday so we need to get busy:) He immediately withdrew and stopped talking to me for the whole night. He is laying next to me snoring right now and all I can think about is the fact that I can't enter into a sexless marriage. Why doesn't he desire me AT ALL. Why can't he just grow a pair of fucking balls and have sex with me! I am just shaking with anger at him. I think it may be over, and I don't feel like I am over reacting. I think it is a sign, there has got to be someone out there in the world who will consider my feelings every so often. Today I got up early to go with him to the doctor, went and visited his dads house, went with him to do his taxes, came home, I cleaned while he started a load of laundry and then promptly sat in front of the TV. I asked him to go to Wal Mart with me to do some light grocery shopping, he said no. I went alone, fought the rain and crowds. Came home, put everything away, took a bath while dinner was cooking and he took a 3 hour nap. While he was sleeping i continued to clean, cook, get dressed and get on WB. At 7 pm his 2 friends came over and we watched football and ate dinner. When they left we watched his show and he thinks I am being unreasonable by wanting to just sleep with him! What the fuck did he do today to make himself so damn tired???? Sleep? Eat? Watch football? Have his FI wait on his and his friends hand and foot? I just think I may be done.

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    anyone?? Am I making the wrong decision here?

     
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    Jamie42003    June 2, 2012   Minnesota

    @lonelybee12 This now sounds less about sex and more about your relationship in general. Your energy levels are not meshing. It might have to do with the meds, and it might have to do with something else. You should sit him down face to face and tell him what you have said to us here. Tell him you love him but cannot enter into a loveless marriage (don't mention sex). Be calm, be serious, be tactful, gental, and mature. Make sure you shut off the television, video games, and computers.  Ask him what he thinks you guys should do about your lives together. Suggest again counseling, doctors, and/or outside help.Whatever you do, do not get married until all issues are resloved. If he doesn't respond to you after repeated times of talking do whatever you need to do to be happy again.

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @Jamie42003: thank you. I know we need to thoroughly discuss this. He just left such a bad taste in my mouth tonight by immediately shutting down, not speaking to me, rolling over and going to bed instead of at least talking about it. I dont know how to approach it without him getting defensive. 

    Here is an idea, I will just do what he does: Eat, sleep, sit there. Repeat. I am not happy, and I hate to admit that because we could be happy if he would just try. It is right there within our grasp but he is just letting our relationship fall by the wayside. Am I not enough to fight for? 

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @Jamie42003: thank you. I know we need to thoroughly discuss this. He just left such a bad taste in my mouth tonight by immediately shutting down, not speaking to me, rolling over and going to bed instead of at least talking about it. I dont know how to approach it without him getting defensive. 

    Here is an idea, I will just do what he does: Eat, sleep, sit there. Repeat. I am not happy, and I hate to admit that because we could be happy if he would just try. It is right there within our grasp but he is just letting our relationship fall by the wayside. Am I not enough to fight for? 

     
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    Wonderstruck    September 18, 2011   Detroit, MI

    @lonelybee12: It's tough to say what the right thing to do is...but I certainly don't think anyone can blame you for not wanting to enter into a marriage where he doesn't want to have sex with you more often than once a month or so (and from the sounds of it, just isn't too considerate in general) and refuses to discuss it with his doctor, go to counseling, anything. Seems like he doesn't even care enough about how sad and unwanted you feel to do anything about it, even something as small as discussing it with his doctor. I'm really sorry you're having to make this decision =(  

    If he refuses to do anything to help with this issue I don't think he is leaving you much of a choice about the marriage. Making your relationship, especially your sex life, work gets even harder once you're married and have kids and all that. As much as I want to cut the guy some slack for his depression, I just can't, because he is making zero effort here to improve things and this has obviously been going on for quite some time. And I don't think I'd be able to marry someone who never even acted like they were attracted to me, it would be too hard on my self esteem and our relationship.

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @Wonderstruck:

     

    I don't think I'd be able to marry someone who never even acted like they were attracted to me


    This is exactly how I feel. Completely unwanted, unattractive, annoying, and that I love him more than he loves me.

     
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    Ms. Martian    September 9, 2012   Ontario

    @Wonderstruck: Coudn't agree more. 

    Honestly, if this were me, only 2 years in, I would give it one good go of trying to resolve the issue (which you have) and then move on. His reaction and lack of effort is only a sign of things to come. 

     
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    Kemma    February 5, 2011   New Zealand

    I've read through some of the comments above and I can't really give you any advice about the sex thing but are your and your FI emotionally intimate outside the bedroom?  Do you hold hands or hug, does your FI ask how your day was and show empathy and compassion towards you?  Do you talk about your futures etc? 

    I'm thinking that if it's only the physical intimacy that's missing you might just be going through a phase or physical issue but if your relationship is lacking in emotional intimacy then it might be symptomatic of a bigger problem.

    Good luck and I hope you guys are able to sort it out!

     
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    mckernae    August 1, 2012  

    I really think you should postpone the wedding and let him choose whether to go to couple's counseling with you or to split up entirely. What you're going through is not fair, and even if his medication is causing his low sex drive, you deserve him at the very least to be self-aware enough to communicate with you what he is feeling in a non-defensive way. You deserve to be in a satisfying relationship, and it sounds like, for whatever reason (depression, medication, apathy, whatever), this is not a nourishing partnership right now. I do empathize with your husband because I have struggled with my sex drive (mostly b/c of stress and birth control) and depression, but part of entering into marriage is learning to communicate, because it's not just about him anymore. It's about you two carving out a life together. I would definitely not go into this marriage without some serious counseling and taking the time to see whether the situation improves, though. Good luck! Keep us posted.

     
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    relaxedabout it    January 1, 2013  

    is there any chance that he's not interested in sex because he's getting it somewhere else? a horrible thought, but maybe?

    also, please don't consider marrying him until this is straightened out. sex is obviously important to you- you can't sign up for a lifetime of this.

     
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    hiddenbee12    June 12, 2012  

    similar situation happened to me and i looked EVERYWHERE on the internet for someone in the same position.  it seemed like every man had a boner 24/7 for his girlfriend/FI/DH, and mine was the only one in the world who just had no interest.  but, you are not alone.  

    if you can somehow gently mention to him that it may be worth seeing a doctor, i highly suggest it.  luckily, my fi was very open to talking about the problem so i have some insight into the male mind on this topic.  

    once the decrease in sex started, i felt miserable, ugly, lonely, unloved....it was awful.  i knew he wasn't cheating or watching porn.  i thought he just wasn't attracted to me.  yeah, a job can be stressful, but come on...not that stressful.  he would assure me it was none of those things and that he just didn't have a libido...for me, porn, anything.  so he saw a doctor and had low testosterone.  as he is 28, we wanted further workup and no testosterone cream (want to have babies eventually).  so we spent months going from doctor to doctor with nothing happening.  as this continued, our sex life decreased further.  having to initiate sex and being rejected felt horrible.  then, talking to my fi, i realized that it was spinning into a vicious cycle.  i would initiate, he would feel pressured, and then he couldn't perform....repeat.  this then lowered his sex drive more.  

    eventually i sat down with him and went over possible things in his life that could cause hormone imbalance.  he had been on prilosec for about a year- it has anecdotally been reported to cause impotence in men...so he discontinued use of that.  he made sure his diet was adequate nutritionally.  he starting taking vitamin B and zinc supplements- both can increase testosterone production.  he also started taking horny goat weed and maca supplements.  now, about 8 months since the beginning of this drama, we have a pretty good sex life again.  we're long distance and see each other on weekends- we have sex at least once every weekend.  

    i was in your place not too long ago.  i could not enter a marriage with the resentment that i felt, nor could i enter a marriage without sex or intimacy.  so whatever happens, you will make the right choice. 

    whatever the case, you are not alone.  this is a problem for more woman than will admit it since men are supposed to always be asking for sex.  this is not about you.  he has his own problems right now that he will either allow you to help with, or he will shut you out and eventually cause you to resent him and end the relationship.  i hope he lets you in.  good luck.  

     
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    roxymalone      

    google "passive aggressive man" and see if your fiance's  picture comes up. 

     
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    ItsHollyAgain    May 26, 2013   Cleveland, Ohio

    I first want to say I'm sorry that you're dealing with this. I read the replies and I'm curious as to if your vent about him napping, hanging w/ friends, and then beign withdrawn was just a vent from the day or if there are other issues going on. I know from my own experience when I was having difficulty having sex (have some health issues, including vaginismus - at one point, I physically could not have intercourse), the more it went on, the more stressed I became about teh situation. He could be dealing with that. Even though he has a decent amount of experience, he could think about disappointing you, or even be stressing about previously disappointing you. 

    That said, my partner is currently on an antidepressant and is experiencing some sexual side effects. It has been a little difficult, but we have improved our communication and while some of it has been difficult to talk about, it has helped a lot. Even though we are not having any sort of sex as much as we used to, I think our intimacy has improved. I told him what I needed to feel fulfilled and reassured, and he did the same - and we do work on it. It's not easy, and it is a process but it works for us.

    I also want to encourage counseling. I'm one of those folks that believe just about anyone can benefit from counseling in general, but especially in your situation it sounds like couples counseling may be beneficial. Look for someone who is a marriage and family counselor, and ideally has some experience w/ sexual issues. I'm biased and a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors, & Therapists - but I'm not a counselor) so I say use their site to see if there are any AASECT certified counselors or therapists near you. THey will have significantly more experience w/ sexual issues in general (the amount of continuing ed they haev to do on top of the continuing ed for their licensure is intense!), and I think that is always beneficial. When I was dealing w/ my own personal sexual health issues, having a counselor to talk was very helpful. I know for me, it really impacted how I felt about myself and looked at my intimate relationships.

    If things didn't change at all, could you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person? In an ideal world, what would change - what's the most and least you would accept? 

    I also agree that it's worth him talking to a doctor. There are lots of physical causes for lack of sex drive (also: sex drive and desire can be separate), so that can be worth looking into. If his antidepressant may be causing it, his doctor could potentially consider changing his dose or switching him to another med. I have a good friend who took an antidepressant (I forget which one, but could ask him) and it killed his sex drive. when he was able to have sex, it was very difficult for him to have an orgasm. This caused problems for him and his girlfriend. Even though it helped with his mood, the sexual side effects were enough of an impact on his life that he switched meds. I haev no clue what he's on now but he said it's a huge difference! His girlfriend (good friend of mine, and they're both really open with me) still has a higher sex drive than him, but their relationship seems to be great. Aside from antidepressant, there are situations in which thyroid issues can impact a person's sex life (and can also make him more tired, amongst other issues), other medications (not sure if he's on any), any pain going on, stress, etc. 

     
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    Helper bee
    smiles731       new york

    just curious-- does he take adderoll?

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @Ms. Martian: yes I do want to give him a chance and the benefit  of trying

     

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @Kemma: we do connect on an emotional level. We connect on an intellectual level. We do not disagree about finances, life goals, how to raise children etc. We are able to  work through a lot of our problems by communicating, but we are both extremely sensitive about this issue, but we are sensitive for different reasons.

     
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    lonelybee12    October 17, 2017  

    @mckernae: thank you for understanding. We did have a very long and painful talk yesterday about it. He apologized for getting upset with me a few nights ago. I apologized for not letting it go. He has a doctors appointment with his primary care physician at the end of this month and he said he was going to bring up his lack of libido and his overall lower energy levels. I asked him about being tested for low testosterone and he agreed that he would be willing to get tested for that.

    He said that he finds me very attractive and that he knows I don't believe that he thinks that. He also said that he enjoys having sex with me when we do have sex. He said that he knows he should want to more, and that it has nothing to do with me. He said he doesn't love me any less because he had higher sex drives in other relationships. All of those things DID make me feel better, but what will ultimately make me feel better is if it improves. I am keeping my fingers crossed for the doctors appointment. He said I could go with him if I wanted to, but I said that he may want to go alone this first time and we will see what is suggested and I can jump in on the appointments if there is no improvement

     

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