Post # 1
This post may seem a bit confusing because I am confused about it all myself. I am trying to come up with suggestions to give my FI on alternatives.
We got engaged on our 4 year anniversay in May and had originally planned a long engagement for roughly April 2017 for me to finish my undergraduate and diploma and start working as a Solicitor. However my FI keeps changing his mind – which is fine because it’s so far away but last night he suggested us eloping before our engagement party (hosted by his mum and my sister) and having it as a suprise for everyone ‘because it would be cheaper’ (it’s on 29 November!).
I have always said I want a budget wedding and don’t mind having a really small wedding to do it (20-40 people) and would like to spend $5,000 to $10,000 on everything except the dress as my mum has said she would pay for that. Another friend has offered to make the cake as she is a professional baker too which will help cut costs. Today though, my FI said that even hiring a celebrant ($650-800) is too much!!
That’s where I get confused. He knows I want a ceremony and a small gathering for a reception – we were originally thinking a dinner at our favourite resturant. But we need to spend SOME money on it! (I know it’s $240 for the lodgement of the documents at the registry so that’s the bare minimum cost). I am open to a registry wedding too but I would still like to have the dress and my hair and makeup done (again professional friends have offered) and walk down an aisle and have close friends and family there.
And what’s more confusing is he keeps changing the time too! One day it’s 2 and a half years away and the next it’s two months away!
A bit more background is that he works for the government and makes good money and I am studying full time and working part time with the government on a contract that ends in January. He has debts to pay off and I have none so far (yay for the way Aus uni loans work!) and he is doing up his car so I understand that he needs/wants to spend money on that. But it feels like he doesn’t want to spend ANY money on setting up our future as Mr and Mrs together… am I overreacting? What are some suggestions I can say to him?
When I ask him what he wants all he says is “You.”
Post # 2
My fiance says stuff like that last part. If I were you I’d reply “great! So to do that we need to pay at least X amount! I don’t want to elope, and if you want me I’m sure you want me happy.”
Also point out how little you need to save per month or whatever to reach your goal. Hopefully he’ll come around.
Post # 3
First, pick a date and KEEP it. That way you can figure out how much you should save per month. If its only 20-40 ppl $10k is LOADS depending on where you live. Our budget is $10k for 120ppl. Pick a date. Make your guest list. Write out a list of “must haves” and “wants”. Go online and price hints out with vendors in your area to get a more accurate idea of the cost for those things then rework your lists until you come up with something your comfortable with.
Post # 4
If he’s constantly changing the date, it doesn’t seem like money’s really the issue. FI and I disagreed over budget initially. Then we realized that he wanted a more intimate ceremony than I did, and I wanted a venue that allowed for outside catering. Both those things impacted the way we allocated our budget, so it was the budget we fought about. But money wasn’t the core issue.
You don’t need to start planning for 2017 yet. Give him some space to figure out what his real issue is and use the time to figure out your budget priorities. Then try again.
Post # 5
Agreed. The money is always a topic of conversation, no doubt, but there are often different ideas about what the wedding should be like at the core of it all. Sometimes these different ideas are pretty fundamental (big/small, religious/non-religious, casual and cheap/formal and no-expense-spared) but sometimes it’s things that don’t necessarily oppose one another.
My guess is that he has realized that marrying you comes with this hugely important event and isn’t sure what to do with that fact. It’s probably pretty overwhelming. And he probably isn’t sure what he wants out of it yet. The last thing you want to do is rush into spending such a huge chunk of money and only at the end of it realize you should have done it another way to be true to you both. So give it time – give him time and give yourself time to slowly figure this out. And keep communicating calmly throughout, in quiet moments.
That’s what we’re doing, and it helps a lot.
Post # 6
AussieBride2017: Set the date and stick to it. Also explain how important it is to you and the memory (or RESENTMENT) will last a lifetime. Well dont make him feel like you are blackmailing him, but explain your feelings.
I do get the money thing – we are on a very tight budget, and actually FI does not mind spending it is me who is cutting corners, but at the same time realising that ultimately making memories is what it is about.
Figure out the things you absolutely can not skip. Dress, hair, makeup, etc. Work out the cost. Show it to him. Discuss. Explain why it is worth it to you.
Try your best to communicate!!!
Post # 7
Thank you everyone for replying! This reply may seem a little over the place again as his thoughts are over the place 😛
CorgiCorps: I think you are right – but I don’t think he yet knows what he wants so it makes everything the issue (if that makes sense?!)
MrsGolden2Bee: I thought we had picked a date and was working with that (April 2017) and only getting ideas – not planning. Not starting to plan until 2016 with that date but then when he sprung 2 months on me I freaked a little!
geneva2: I think you are right when you say he is overwhelmed with it all. At first he said I should deal with all the details (minus some things we had discussed together ie. we want a garden ceremony etc) and now he says he doesn’t want a wedding just to marry me. We spoke last night about it a bit and other things on his mind and I think he is overwhelmed at how much money he makes and how he has nothing except a nice car that he’s done up and a $25,000 debt.
AnnaVictoria: I have explained to him that there are certain things that I cannot imagine our wedding day not including and the main one is my family. I can do without a fancy cake, a costly dress (I do want a nice white one though) and all of that jazz. But I want my family there to celebrate our union in love together. I want to be able to walk down an aisle to a song and see his face look at me for the first time in my dress and the getting ready in my room with close loved ones with the anticipation on meeting him at the end of the aisle. I don’t want this to cost much and it doesn’t need to be and I have talked to him about this.
I even suggested to him eloping in the time frame he suggested and then years down the track have a renewal of vows ceremony with ‘reception’ and he said it wasn’t worth it.
I think all I am going to do is go on as if the 2017 date is still the date and let him figure out what he wants over the next two years (like I was doing before he came out of the blew and said eloping in 2 months).
Last night when we spoke about it he seemed to jump all over the place from wanting to get married tomorrow (which legally isn’t possible) to waiting 50 years from now as he says we will be together anyway. I think he is just very overwhelmed with his own decisions that aren’t working so well for him at the moment.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - Garden
Is he a numbers man? I know mine is. He was a bit afraid of committing to a date as well, when we did pick one tentatively, I did up a basic budget and showed him what we’d need to put aside for the wedding each month. He was fine after that. He just needed a concrete plan.
Post # 9
AussieBride2017: What your fiance needs to understand is that wedding memories and pictures last a lifetime. It is the one day where you get to professionally capture both of you dressed up and looking at your best with all of your family together. It is also probably the ONLY day you will have where all of the important people in your life are together in one place. It’s an incredibly special thing.
I treasure the pictures of us with both pairs of grandparents, of me together with my divorced parents who have barely been in the same room for 20 years, and of my husband and I looking young and gorgeous together. It’s not a big party to blow all your money on, it is a symbol and coming together of everyone important in your life. One day these people are not going to be around any more, and on that day you will thank god that you have those great pictures and memories of all of you together.
Some things you can cut, and you don’t need to spend a huge amount of money on a wedding, but stand your ground on the things that you really want. A nice car is going to be in the junkyard in 10 years, but wedding pictures are something that you will value for the rest of your life.