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Money matters are always tricky. When we were first engaged my FI's family thought my family might WANT to pay for our wedding on their own. I felt that was a little weird to hear because to me, we were in the age where the mentality was more like: let's split the cost. That is unless you can pay for your wedding, or one family is much better off so the balance might naturally be tipped. Neither of which is our situation. As it turns out both sides are contributing make our wedding happen, though I will say my family taking on more expenses, and we are trying to save up to help as well.
Our balance is fine and all are happy, but I am still curious, did your FI's family make a contribution or is the tradition of the bride's family paying still alive?
My FI's mother is hosting the rehearsal dinner and brunch on the morning after our wedding...otherwise my parents are footing the bill.
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My mom has given me some money I'm using toward the wedding, but no, FH and I are paying for everything. I would feel weird at my age for my parents to pay for everything.
My brother is also getting married soon and his finace's family is paying for their wedding.
I am not yet engaged, but have been told that my future FI's family will be helping out a bit. I'm glad to hear that, but not sure whether to accept any money. We are both young (22), but I have been planning on paying for my wedding myself. I know that my family has no extra money to contribute, so I'm not sure that I feel right accepting money from my bf's family. Is anyone else in this situation?
My husband's family paid for the rehearsal dinner and his grandpa gave us $5,000 towards the wedding. We contributed about $2,000 of our own money. My parents contibuted $10,000 of their money. That was it. Fairly traditional I guess.
My parents are paying for the wedding, my FI's family is going do the rehersal dinner. So for us, Traditional is alive and well. My FI's family is not really in a place that they would be able to help out too much, but they continue to offer to help where and when they can, and for that, I am incredibly grateful!
My parents were prepared to pay for the wedding; my fiancee's family was generous enough to chip in...they will probably end up paying 30% of the total cost, plus the rehearsal dinner. They've been really nice and I got very lucky. 
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We paid for everything, so my husband's family didn't give us a dime. And for the wedding, we also just got an empty card with well wishes.
To be honest with you I'm paying for almost everything. I was told there would be a contribution from my FMIL which she backed out of 6 months before and my FFIL is only giving minimal amount of money, which I do appreciate although I was told it would be more. My mom is still contributing what she said she was from the beginning. So needless to say things have been a bit difficult and stressful. I have to cut things here and there to fit the "new budget". My Fiance is trying to sell his low rider mini truck to help pay for the wedding and our future home. I know things will all work out its just hard when you have things envisioned a certain way and then it all comes crashing down. I suppose I should just be happy to be marrying my man!
My parents are paying for everything except the rehearsal dinner and the male attire. My FMIL has expressed a desire to pay for the men's attire (I suspect so that she can see her grandsons/ushers in tuxes), but it saves my family some money so I'm not opposed to her contribution! She also payed the (very low) deposit on the venue.
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My parents are paying for everything wedding-related, aside from little expenses (wedding bands, the officiant, stationary) that we can pick up. FI's family is paying for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon.
We paid for everything. His parent's are deceased and mine are broke.
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his parents are paying for the rehearsal dinner
my parents are paying for 40% of the wedding and us 60%
I feel bad, bc sometimes I wish the inlaws would give us more $ instead of throwing such a fancy rehearsal dinner.
My FI family is paying for the wedding and the rehearsal dinner, except for about $6000 (my dress, photography and videography). Our families are on extreme specturms of the wage scale--his dad is a surgeon while mine works a factory job. They offered to pay for it. HOWEVER as a result...we have run into some issues:
It has come to a point where I feel that because they are paying for it, everything has to be the way they want. With invitations for example, although the invitations I wanted were slightly more expensive (and I offered to cover the difference immediately when I suggested I LOVED the more expensive ones), basically I was lectured by my FI that I have to be more gracious, implying that I'm not grateful that they're even paying for the wedding. I was very upset, because it IS my wedding! Basically, I have to take a back seat to planning. Either we pay and it's my way, or they pay and it's their way.
I guess in the end, they are giving us the biggest gift of all--leaving us without the burden of wedding debt and such. I've realized I have to just keep my mouth shut.
At our age and with our families situation we truly did not expect any help. My FMIL & FFIL are graciously offering us 6 months rent free in their finished basement (we'd been planning to move nayway, so this is a huge bonus) and my own mom is contributing a great deal. We're paying about half ourselves, but thankfully it will come directly from our rent savings! The best part is that no one is putting any pressure on us (yet anyway) to do things how *they* want!
I've had a few friends marry recently and one set split the bill based on % of guests. Her side had about 60% so that's how much her parents paid. I thought that was a great idea (if your families are splitting the tab that is!)
we're paying 1/2, my dad is putting in 1/4, and FI's parents are putting in 1/4. my mom paid for my dress and ao dai and is going to pay for our lion dance (cultural thing). FI's parents are also paying for the rehearsal dinner.
Very interesting topic.
Our families are very similar on the income/net worth spectrum so I always figured that our parents would split the costs of the wedding 50/50 or 60/40 or something. However, my parents are paying for the <span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: bold"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="text-decoration: underline">entire wedding-- his parents have offered very little. His mom (his parents are divorced) has seemed a little more interested in helping out, but his dad hasn't offered at all! His parents will be splitting the rehearsal dinner, but his dad has already casually mentioned that he'll only be giving a little bit of money. His dad also balked at paying for the morning-after brunch. I refuse to let my parents pay for the entire wedding AND the morning after brunch, while his parents only do a small rehearsal dinner.
I might add that his father has the largest percentage of guests out of all of our parents.
At the end of the day, his parents costs will be about 5-10% of the whole weekend, while my parents will be paying for about 90-95%.
My parents have also graciously offered us their international frequent flyer miles and we are paying for the rest of the honeymoon by ourselves.
Of course, I am very grateful for ANY contributions-- and soooo incredibly grateful for my parents generosity. But I am quite surprised that his father is refusing to give us much money at all-- because he is very weathly. Plus, his father recently got remarried a few years ago at a very nice wedding, so he understands exactly how much weddings cost. If you are going to be "traditional" (which I personally think is very outdated), then the bride's family pays for the wedding, and the groom's family pays for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. I'm not sure about the morning-after brunch since that is not as traditional.
My generous parents paid for HALF of brother's wedding, plus their honeymoon, because my parents have a little more money than my SIL's parents.
We are splitting the cost of our wedding with my parents. His are only paying for the rehersal dinner (but are helping A LOT in non monetary ways). Their daughter is also engaged and they are paying for that whole wedding as well as having payed for most of their other son's wedding two years ago. I think its a little wierd that FI is the only kid who's wedding they are not contributing to, but we do have more established careers than the others so I guess they think we're fine.
My family is paying for the wedding and Fi's family is paying for the rehearsal dinner and a reception in his hometown in southern california(because we're having the wedding in the midwest near my hometown)
My FI's family are paying for the RD and part of the honeymoon. The honeymoon was their choice, that's what they wanted to help us with and I was not about to say no. :)
We split the costs. My family paid for about 1/3, his mom paid for 1/3 and we paid for a third.
I'm very lucky, my FI's family is offering to pay for at least half if not more... they know i'm on my own for the wedding and in my ffil's words "i want you to have the wedding you want... ... ... within reason!" I'm a very very lucky girl!
RelentlessBride
My parents are paying for everything except the bridal party attire. His parents offered to give us some FREE points they got with their timeshare for our honeymoon, but here's the kicker, we had to pay the fee necessary to use the points. LOL (I have to laugh so I don't shake my head). They initially said they were going to "take care of the honeymoon" and this is what they meant by it. Sadly, they don't realize that giving a gift should be just that - a gift; not something free to them with a fee attached for us.
But then again, these are the same people who "gave" him a car for graduation, which really meant they got the car in their name and he made all the payments. When my parents gave me a car, they handled the payments. I never even saw a bill or the invoice for that matter, because it was a REAL gift.
I would be fine with his parents not contributing if they weren't also trying to CONTROL the planning. My parents are giving us the money outright with no strings attached. I think if you aren't paying for anything, you don't have a right to make demands, especially when the people paying make no demands.
We're trying to pay for all of it, we're a little older and little more established, and didn't want to put out our parents. Especially when they're hitting this phase in their life when they may have wishes and plans of their own to fulfill. But being an only child of a single Mother, when I told my Mother that I would not accept any financial help, she was devistated. She said "you're my only daughter, I want to be a part of this and help out" She wanted to buy my dress and give us a gift of money, and his parents offered to pick up the beer and wine.
In our eyes, it's still WAY too generous, but I think if we didn't accept, I think it would have really hurt my Mom's feeling.
My parents very graciously offered to pay for the entire wedding and brunch. His parents threw the rehearsal dinner, which we helped out a bit with. They didn't offer to help with anything else - but my parents are better off, so it makes sense. I am pretty sure they think our wedding was overly extravagent, but luckily they haven't said this to me directly :)
My parents are being so overly generous I'm almost embarassed by it. I am only 24 in a very low paying profession. While my fiance is older and further in his career he is still also in the newspaper business. My parents realize we save as much as we can but could never afford to have a wedding in my home city with our large Italian families. His parents are extremely well off and paid for most of his brother's wedding bc her parents could not afford it. So, from the start we were pretty sure they could help out. Our final split ended up FILS 30 % (including $5,000 for a rehearsal dinner, which I think is crazy...., and the rest for whatever we need), my parents 62 % and FI and I a mere 8 percent, for things like our attire and the band. My parents and I only fought initially in the beginning when I told them I thought our venue choice was out of the budget. Turned out they were upset we hadn't offered to pay for any of the wedding, which I thought was a given. After that, they actuall upped their contribution and it's been smooth sailing. I've been lucky we've agreed on any choices and they haven't demanded input. It is just important to me they are happy with my choices since they are being so generous.
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We are paying for the whole thing ourselves. We are way to independent to want either of our families paying. ;)
My parents are divorced and both are contributing. My FI and I will be putting in 5-6k. I mentioned to my MIL that my parents were getting together to talk numbers hoping that she would say that she and my future FIL would kick in something and they have mentioned nothing so far. We will see what happens...
My parents gave us a generous cash gift to use for "whatever we want" and that is the wedding.
Recently my FI's dad said to "let him know" how much I would like him to contribute for the cost of the reception. I don't knwo what to tell him yet, actually.
My mother, step-father and father paid for most of the wedding and I pitched in where I could. FI's mother and step-father wanted to contribute something to the wedding reception and after some conversations with her friends, she came up with the idea of paying for the bar {open bar for two hours, wine and beer after that} at the reception. My fiance's mother, step-father and father also hosted our rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding.
It worked out well for us, but I think the situation is different for every family.
Good luck!
We're paying for: honeymoon, rings, all paper stuff, and other misc. small things.
MIL and FIL are paying for the rehearsal dinner and 10% of the wedding since we decided to do a very low-key rehearsal dinner.
My parents are paying for everything else. So, pretty traditional here.
We're basically splitting the cost between my parents and us (my FI and I have been saving up). His family is paying very little by comparison, but we knew that from the start -- their financial situation just doesn't allow it. They (his mom and 5 aunts) will be contributing a few small items, since it's tradition in their (hispanic) family to all pitch in, but they just can't afford more than a few hundred dollars each.
We're paying for everything ourselves...our Destination wedding and 2 Receptions back home. We're in our late 20s so we don't need help from our parents and most of our friends paid for their own weddings as well. It's great to be able to call your own shots for your wedding!
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><font size="3"><font face="Sylfaen">This is a great topic and one that I have been wondering about a lot lately! A little background - We are both in our mid to late 30s and both are the oldest children in our respective families. I am the only girl and my FI is the oldest in a family of three boys. His brothers are married or have been married and my younger brother got married 2.5 years ago. </font></font><font face="Sylfaen" size="3"> </font> <p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt" class="MsoNormal"><font size="3"><font face="Sylfaen">Although we are both working and have decent jobs, we haven’t saved a penny and we also need to find a place to live come July. My mother has offered to pay for the reception but with the understanding that we will pay for everything else which is fine and we appreciate it. I understand although I haven't heard it from my FI yet, that his parents will pay for the rehearsal dinner. My mother offered to host the brunch the day after so I guess this is somewhat traditional. </font></font>
Oh, how this topic gives me a headache! None of our families are talkers when it comes to money!! It drives me crazy! My FI & I have basically planned to pay for everything ourselves & then hope for the best...My parents are broke & his are pretty well off (house paid off/solid jobs, etc.) but they haven't offered to pay or help w/ anything, although my FMIL seems to acknowledge that the rehearsal dinner is up to them. So frustrating, considering I have a little boy (kids are expensive!), my FI just began a new career endeaver, & I basically pay for all of our bills w/ my income alone. After posting this topic & my frustrations w/ it & the FILs on the Knot, I was promptly told I was crazy & totally wrong to expect ANYTHING from anyone. I know I shouldn't expect much if anything, but we are both only children who work extremely hard, & there are no other siblings for our parents to pay for.
I suspect my FI is partly to blame for this, b/c we had a church (or lack thereof) crisis, & when I mentioned the cost of a host church (vs. the one we are all members of) FFIL said not to worry, they would cover it no matter the cost! Say what???!! Confusing to say the least.
In lieu of this, I have done everything myself (DIY city!) & plan to do the flowers too. We have just resigned ourselves to paying it on our own!
I'm very curious about this subject! Mostly, I'm wondering how many families bring up the subject, and how many engaged couples have to ask. My family (and apparently FI's family) are not big money talkers. We've been engaged for 9 months now and no one has offered. We originally figured that we were paying for the whole thing and have been saving (and I'm in grad school, so the majority is coming from FI's income), which was totally ok.
Recently, my dad has hinted that he expects to contribute. I don't really think he can afford it, but I don't want to offend him if paying is something that is important to him. My mom has passed away, so this makes the idea of helping with the wedding a heavier topic for my family, I think. Meanwhile, FI's family probably makes 2-3 times what my dad makes, but haven't suggested helping. We don't want to make assumptions, or offend anyone by asking! We wouldn't change much by knowing there is some extra money, it would be be the difference between spending a lot of energy to keep to a small budget versus being able to relax a little more. How do people get to the final decision about who is paying? Do most people ask or is it generally based on when parents offer?
First post!
Originally, we talked about some options when we thought my parents contribution was going to be topped out at a specific amount - they ranged from diy'ing the rehearsal dinner ourselves and asking his parents to contribute that amount to the wedding, and other options, when it came out that my family really didn't want the help from his family monetarily. (Aside from the rehearsal dinner, etc.)
(My FI and I were expected to contribute something so that we'd be thankful for the rest, apparently.)
Then, unasked for, my FI's parents offered to give some money towards the wedding, which necessitated some creative and tactful handling - my parents didn't want them to contribute towards the night since they feared too many spoons in the pot, and we certainly didn't want to tell his parents we didn't "want their money"...
In the end, we cut a lot from the guest list and are having a second celebration/reception thing that will be a low-key backyard bbq at our house, and his parents' contribution will cover most of the costs of that. Now we just need to give them a nod somehow even though it's much less formal and therefore doesn't get the whole invitation option to give them the nod of recognition.
My FI's parents said they are "shocked" that my parents aren't fronting the entire bill for their only daughter. They can't understand that the tradtion of the bride's family paying for everything was due to the fact that girls were getting married at 16. My FI & I are paying for most of the wedding and his parents aren't contributing because "its tradition that the grooms family only pays for the rehearsal dinner" but we can't have a rehearsal dinner and his mom got upset when we asked if she could pay for the food at the reception instead, which is actually going to be less money then what they planned on spending for the rehearsal, shes upset just because she doesn't think its "tradition" and the worst part is my FI agrees with his parents. Times have changed, we're both 25 and this "tradition that the brides family pays for the wedding" although nice, should not be expected. Wish my FI & his family would understand that!
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@traceylynne: With my own parents, I think we assumed before I got engaged my parents would help pay for the wedidng. FI asked my parents several months before he proposed for their permission and after that my dad made several jokes about how much the wedding would "set him back." So, re: my parents that made it easy.
FIL: FMIL told FI that they'd contibute whatever we needed, which was confusing. Our parents got together to check out the reception venue and my dad did me the favor of pinning down the numbers and FIL then came back and told us the number.
I would highly recommend having a wedding that you and fiance can finance yourselves. We paid for our own wedding, rehearsal dinner, honeymoon, etc. and it saved us a lot of problems, such as the guest list (we invited whomever we wanted) and the style of the wedding (all ours - and we bucked tradition more than a few times). The only downside was that a lot of people thought that our families WERE helping and remarked that the wedding could have been snazzier...but those people aren't our closest friends or nicest family members.
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