(Closed) FI family is SO different sometimes it scares me!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

I think you have some valid concerns because you do marry not only the man (or woman) but the family. If you are worried that you may be on the hook for supporting/taking care of his family more than you are 1) willing 2) capable 3) unequally compared to your own then this needs to be something you talk about now because the money you earn in the future needs to be used on stuff that you both agree on to prevent problems in your own marriage.

You can’t change his family, but you can make decisions now about how much you can and will help them in the future (IE retirement, lending/giving money, and even time devoted).

Be careful how you address this, however, because you dont want it to come out as “I am worried about your family because they arent as good as mine”, but rather discuss how much you are willing to help BOTH sides of the family and do what extent.

It isnt going to be a secret that his family will likely be the troublesome bunch, but the rules will still apply to both sides because in reality “you never know”. And of course of the “activities” you don’t approve, if he doesn’t already know, let him know that as long as these activities exist you wont support the people doing them.

Post # 4
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I wish I had a good answer for you, but you’re preaching to the choir here.

FI and I do come from different financial backgrounds, and while there’s only one unsavory relative who is estranged, it can still create some difficult moments.

I guess my only advice is not to borrow trouble. Like you said, your FI learned his lesson dealing with his brother and weddings always bring people out of the woodwork that fade away after the event is over.

 

Post # 5
Member
7697 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think that you and FI need to talk about this!!  You’ll need to agree on where your limits are-what you are comfortable doing and what you would not want to do – regarding helping family members.  Hopefully you are on the same page.  I unfortunately have a sibling that never learned how to manage money and we siblings can simply not help, even though we feel bad about the situation.  When people are adults they have to make good decisions to the best of their ability. -This doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do anything for them, it is unfortunately a situation that is just too big to handle. -I totally understand.  I think as long as the two of you are on the same page, then you two should be okay. 

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