(Closed) FI/ FH Working long hours?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

I’m not engaged and it’s not work but my SO is in a really intense business school (8 hours away) and he is always busy and never seems to have time for me. He has mentioned that he wishes I could understand what he’s going through but like you, I have a really tough time being supportive because I think he should WANT to MAKE the time to have a 5 minute conversation with me every day or send me a random text in the middle of the day while walking to class. But of course not. The complaining and getting upset definitely does not work but what are we supposed to do when nothing changes???

Post # 4
Member
6249 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

I’m not engaged…yet…but my bf (of 7 years) is a CPA.  He works an average of 50-60 hours/week during the “regular” season, and an average of 90 hours/week during “busy” season (aka Tax season).  He often works very late or even on weekends. 

I try to be supportive but I’m far from perfect, so I get angry that he lets work be such a priority over “us.”  (Sounds selfish, I know, but I can’t help feeling that way.)  Luckily I am also working and in grad school full-time so I am pretty busy myself.  But I still get upset when he lets his work take over the limited time we get to hang out on weekends.

Post # 5
Member
6249 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

@mc77: I feel the same way!!  I am always saying “Really??… You can’t send me a quick text saying ‘Hi’ at lunch or something?! Just to let me know that you are thinking of me…!” 

Post # 6
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

@BayState Bride: OMG soooo glad to hear I’m not the only one! I always wonder if he just doesn’t care enough and we just don’t belong together or if it’s just a guy thing. I really think girls are so much better at multi-tasking and fitting things in.

Post # 7
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My FI works til 8 or 9 most nights. It doesn’t bother me too much now, I’m just worried about when we have kids. But we’ll deal with that when it gets here!

Post # 8
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

My FI works long hours and often unpredictable hours. He is not an attorney but can have a similar schedule as he works wtih them a lot.

There have been several times we’ve tried to plan dinners out and he just can’t commit because he might have to work late. He even once missed going to a broadway show because he had to go to a business trip to London.

I used to get very upset about it and make him feel bad about it. But I’ve started to realize he usually feels worse than I do about those long hours. He’s the one having to work until 2am while I’m sound asleep at home.

I’m becoming more flexible about plans, asking him when he thinks he’ll be able to do a night out rather than dictating when I want to. I’ve also stopped waiting to make my own plans until I know if he’s coming home or not. I just make plans with my friends when I want to have them.

Sometimes I end up with plans on a night when he’s home, but it has made me closer to my friends because I make time to see them more often.

The bottom line is, I’m marrying this man. I know he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. We will have many good times together and have already had many good times in the past. He is doing work that he loves and I am happy to support him.

I do agree about the “why can’t you take 5 min to e-mail/text” thing though. We’re working hard on that.

The other thing that helped is I told him to stop being optimistic about the time he was coming home, because he’d always be an hour off on the other side. I told him I’d rather get bad news and then have you home earlier than expected, then expect you home early and have you be later than expected.

 

 

Wow… that was long winded. Sorry!

Post # 9
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mc77: Totally a guy thing! He does it when he’s out with friends too and says “I can’t text because I’m at the bar with them.” I’m thinking you can’t take a quick trip to the bathroom to pee/send a quick text?

Sigh…

Post # 10
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

@KatNYC2011: How is it going working on the why can’t you take 5 min. to email/text? Any insight for the rest of us??? 🙂

I absolutely agree with you about their estimated time of doing things. My SO is always off. He’ll text me with ” I’ll call you in a few” after I’ve tried calling him. 30+ min. later and still nothing. 30 min. is not “a few” to me. Managing expectations is HUGE I have found and I’m not sure if it is a general guy thing or just specific to my guy, but he is very bad at managing my expectations.

Post # 11
Member
6249 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

@mc77: I agree.  But I also think guys just assume things are okay if we don’t tell them otherwise.  Like the saying goes, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”  They just assume everything is awesome and that we know they are thinking about us, so why bother to contact us and tell us that they were thinking about us.  As women, we need to have confirmation that our guys are thinking about us.  That being said, I still don’t think it’s too much to ask for my man to send me a quick text or give me a quick call just to say hi.  🙂

Post # 12
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mc77: I’m working on the “postive reinforcement” idea. Whenever he DOES let me know correctly when he’s coming home or DOES check in with me during the day, I’m more inclined to do something nice like make dinner, or be willing to come down to him by his office for drinks/dinner post work or am more willing to watch one of the TV shows he prefers. Or if he does call/text to check in I urge him to go out for drinks with his work buddies to show that I really don’t care if he’s home late, I just want to know the plan.

I also tell him how much it means to me when he does check in during the day, and we talked about the “best” way to do so. I had been calling him/leaving him voicemails and it turned out he really didn’t like that.

I’d been doing it for a year by the time we finally talked about it and he said, “Why do you need to leave me voicemails every time you call. Only leave one if there’s something important.” I had no idea that I was annoying him by leaving him voicemails rather than e-mail/text because we’d never talked about it.

Just make sure to have the conversation about it completely seperately rather than right after an event where he didn’ text you, missed a “time frame’ etc. So it’s more of a general conversation that a specific blaming one.

Also, ask him how HE would rather communicate. Maybe there’s a better way he’d rather use.

Post # 13
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

@BayStateBride: I absolutely agree. That is sooo true. They do just assume that we know. So how do we deal with that I wonder? Hahaha I guess just try to start thinking like them?

@MCC919: Sorry, didn’t mean to hijack your post! Are you feeling some of these things too? Seems like you’d feel better with a little extra tlc from your man i.e. the times he can hang out he is completely focused on you, him scheduling special date nights, him telling you how much he misses you and hates working so much, etc.

Post # 14
Member
70 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

My FI is an attorney also – it took me awhile, but I have adjusted to him working crazy hours. During the week, I just don’t expect to see him. I make my own plans with friends, or have a quiet night in alone. If he joins me, thats great, but I don’t expect it. Something that has helped us get into this routine is that from the beginning, Saturday nights were “our night”. No matter how much he worked during the week or over the weekend, he stopped working at 6pm Saturday so that we have time together. Having that one time each week that I knew he would stop working gave me something to look forward to.

@ KatNYC2011 – the one thing we are still working on is not being so optimistic on the time he will be home. We still haven’t solved that one – but I’ve gotten used to automatically adding an hour onto whatever he says!

Post # 15
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My FI and I are both attorneys but he works a lot longer than what I do. Hooray for my 40 hour a week!! He will work until about 7ish or so everynight, which is not bad at all for an attorney. We are normally pretty good about emailing a few times during the day but if he doesn’t respond in a few hours, I will usually follow up with “geez, I can’t get any love today?” He will do the same to me if I don’t respond and it makes us both laugh!

Post # 16
Member
6249 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 1900

@KatNYC2011:  I told him to stop being optimistic about the time he was coming home, because he’d always be an hour off on the other side.   <— Same here!  I tell him, don’t get my hopes up because you usually end up being late and I get angry when I have to wait.  I am very impatient and I realized (after MANY fights) that I was associating him being late as him taking my time for granted.  I’m trying to work on this, since my rational side knows he can’t help being late if his boss throws something at him last minute or he gets stuck on a conference call.

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