FI gave me a baby ultimatum!

posted 1 year ago in Babies
Member
7090 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Well it is only 3 months away, you could start trying soon (depending on if you are sexually active with each other already) if you are both ready. Just talk to him about how you feel about having children. You should only have them when you are both ready :)

Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

I think your man is serious about that. Now, i’m really young and not able to give you any advise or answer. I don’t like ultimatums by myself, but i understand also that he doesn’t want to be an old dad. I would consider you can do this step if you know that he loves you and he doesn’t marry you for babies only. I would think you’re around 28, so the perfect age to get pregnant. I wouldn’t like an ultimatum though, you should do that when you feel like. 

Member
3891 posts
Honey bee

Do you for sure want kids? If you don’t, then this relationship doesn’t sound like a good match… If you want kids also then good! That just wasn’t clear to me.

Even 40 isn’t that old. He’ll be 60 when the kid turned 20, and I don’t think that’s bad. My dad was 55 when my parents had me, and that’s a little rough, so 40 doesn’t seem as bad.

Assure him you’ll have kids someday, and someday soon, if that’s what you want. The wedding is so close – he can wait! Just start trying immediately after if you’re on board with it. Start preparing now – get off hormonal birth control, start taking prenatal vitamins, and get in good health. Prep for these next three months, then get to baby making!

Member
973 posts
Busy bee

@jennyninjastar:  Ohhh.. I wouldn’t try for before the wedding. You might be a complete emotional/physical mess for the big day. I’d hate to be pregnant for my wedding and possibly crying and throwing up and sick the whole time =( No sir. Not my idea of a good wedding day!

 

Everyone is different. I could be wrong, but I don’t think it’s a bug for him. His sounds like it’s stemming from the emotional ties with his dad, and feeling a preemptive loss and regret that he thinks his dad won’t be around, and that he doesn’t want his kid to feel the same way, etc. However, I’m surprised it’s only 3 months away and he wants to move it even sooner just for a baby. I’d try to dig deeper into that. I’m sure there are men out there like that. Nobody really has a trait that nobody else in the world doesn’t; it just might be more rare.

Also… he doesn’t really have a “biological clock.” Guys produce sperm practically until they’re dead (just at a lesser rate, eventually).

My ex wasn’t baby-crazy per sey, but he did talk about “wanting to get married soon so [he] could have a family,” and such like that, a few times. How he REALLY wanted to have kids, etc. Which made me a bit uneasy. Like he wanted to do it soon because he felt he was getting too old. I think he was like 28 at the time. I was like.. um… o_O Frankly, have to grow and carry and birth that child. I have to go through 9 months of torture, be sick, be a hormonal mess, not eat, have my body ravaged, gain weight, and get torn open. He was definitely not going to determine baby times. He could have input of course, but ultimately, that’s my say. 

However, I don’t see the ultimatum you’re speaking of. Did he threaten to leave you or something?

Do YOU want kids?

Member
399 posts
Helper bee

My SO has baby fever real bad too, he has said he doesn’t want to wait years to have children. Luckily I don’t either, but i think he would have them now if we had the money haha! So yes my SO is the same, he hasn’t cried about it but he did say when he was drunk ‘If your don’t give me a baby in 8 months then I don’t know what to do’ haha I was like ‘sweety you need 9 months to make one’ haha!

So I do think that some men can be more into babies than uss ladies haha!

Member
346 posts
Helper bee

I’ve seen guys with baby fever, too.  There are some that just really want to be a dad, and I think it’s wonderful.  It’s nice to know that there are such paternal men out there.

Member
346 posts
Helper bee

@yanamari:  Actually, a few years ago they came out with the suggestion that men do actually have a version of a “biological clock.”  The quality of their sperm can go downhill, too, along with the quantity and how well they move.  Babies of fathers over 40 can have higher chances of autism, schizophrenia, Down Syndrome, dwarfism, and so on.

Member
973 posts
Busy bee

@Chaoslight:  Yeah I heard that… but those birth statistics apply generally to women over 40 as well (or even 35), who haven’t been through menopause. Basically after about 30, the older you get, the riskier it is to have children. It’s more of an aging chromosones thing rather than what I’d associate with a woman’s biological clock really. It’s riskier, but not like… my-reproductive-parts-stopped-working! lol ^_^ It’s believed that woman has a predetermined amount of eggs; a man really can’t say that for sperm.

They like to say men have “hormone fluctuations” like women do too, except… it’s much more simple, has fewer hormones, and it’s on a daily rotation (like everything else is in your body). I really just want to smack them and say “No. Just, no. Stop it.” lol

Member
4867 posts
Honey bee

I know some PPS already mentioned this, but nowhere in your post do you mention that YOU want children – you just say you’ve never really thought about it. I do not think it would be fair to marry this guy knowing how badly he wants children if you’re on the fence about them. This is something to think about carefully and decide upon BEFORE getting married, or you’re in for a lot of hurt and resentment later, and most likely an ugly divorce if he feels so strongly about kids and you don’t really want them.

Member
346 posts
Helper bee

@yanamari:  I would say, short of the fact that women do have a finite amount of eggs, the two aren’t that different.  I mean, men don’t have hot flashes, or anything like that, but their genetic material degrades, and that is a legitimate concern, I would say.  I would never want to discount the possibility that a man’s body might actually tell him, “You only have a few more years of good sperm in you, man!  Get with the baby-making!”

Member
157 posts
Blushing bee

I can see where he’s coming from, really. Haha. My dad was 40 when I was born, and my mom was 35. I grew up with/got really close to my grandparents (who are now passed on or in their late 80s) and that’s something I REALLY REALLY want for my kids, so I’ve told FI how I want to have kids earlier rather than later. We will probably just enjoy being married for 3-5 years first (I say 3, because that’s probably the minimum I can get away with, he says 5 because that’s what his parents did…).

Member
973 posts
Busy bee

@Chaoslight:  Oh right. But I meant like, it’s going to get just as dangerous/risky for her as she ages (even before menopause) as him, at about the same rate. So I didn’t think his “biological clock” reason was terribly justified. Then again, I think his comment was just out of emotion, so I probably just thought about it too much anyway. lol

Member
940 posts
Busy bee

I think men definitely get it, but not as often as women. My FI seems to have a touch of baby fever because for the past year or so every time we see an infant or toddler out in public he nudges me and says “Baaaaaby!” in this certain tone of voice. He then proceeds to stare and smile at them. Then he’ll ask questions like “Why do babies shove their whole hands in their mouths” or “How old do you think that baby is?” It’s quite cute. He has said he wants to start trying about 6 months after we get married. Let’s hope that holds up!

Member
950 posts
Busy bee

FI tried to convince me to get pregnant before the wedding but there are alot of reasons I didn’t want to – being sick at the wedding/on honeymoon, travelling pregnant, not fitting into the dress!, family judgement…  then we tried to get married right around this time but the church said they can’t marry because its advent.  So we’re waiting for the spring.  FI is 35 and definitely there – he wants kids and worries about being older with them.  And I’m just plain old baby crazy.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a guy saying “biological clock” – it can express his fear of aging and being an older dad.  Especially if you want a bunch of kids spread out.  Though, OP, you didn’t really state if you do want kids or not.  Please be honest with him to save heartache down the road if you aren’t sure or don’t want kids.

It also sounds like there’s a bit of family pressure.  I know my FFIL took FI aside one day and said “listen up, I want grandkids” – maybe its a bit of that too?  Just do what feels right for you.

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