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I've never known such selfish people. My FI works for his family and they absolutely hate me.. and they never even met me.. (that story is in a different post) Anyway, he basically had a talk with his father about why he always getting screwed on his pay i.e. his checks constantly bounce, they come up with stupid reasons to deduct pay, etc. His father finally admited that the family is going to pinch every dime out of paying him in order for him to "learn his lesson and to come back to them." He was then told that he would get a "substantial pay raise" and "will get treated better" if he ends our marriage. He continues to say that he is "purposely making it hard for us financially so that he can ruin us at home". FI is 27yo and his parents want him to move back with them in their tiny ass condo.
I cant even believe that they would try to bribe my FI like this. As if I'm not worth anything. I cant believe that they would make us suffer financially! They know that I have a son and they dont like that. They told FI to break up with me so that he wouldnt have to pay for the kids. WTF? I make my own money, and my FI loves my son and our income is combined already. To purposely sabotage someone's life is just plain sick! I'm in tears, and I cant stop shaking. How can people be so cruel? His father is purposely trying to make it where we wont even be able to pay rent let alone a wedding! Im afraid I might have to call the whole thing off.
Im at a loss. Im just soo sick of being treated like I'm worthless.. that money is the key to getting his son back...
I dont know what to do anymore
I hope your fiance sternly told them to shove their pay raise and the job up their ass. Sounds like he needs to find another job,and then try to mend the relationship with his parents. Also he needs to arrange a meeting between you and his family somehow. Maybe having never met you is what is causing some (unneccesary) resentment.
This is psycho behaviour.
Why is your FI working for his family if they treat him like this?
The answer is simple to me: he needs to find another job. I know that isn't the easiest thing to do but seriously, his parents can NOT control his life like that and he has to be the one to stand up to them.
He needs to quit today and find a new job. That's ridiculous.
@jeye7161: What does your FI say to them? Has he looked for other jobs?
If his parents are being so unfair to him, maybe he shouldn't work for them anymore.
Going off now to read why they haven't met you yet.
Cut the apron strings. Seriously! He needs to get away from them as quickly as possible. That is insane behavior.
Wow, who are some of these people who walk the earth. He needs to call get some of this in writing and get a freakin lawyer. This is extortion, bribery, blackmail, something!
@mjchexum: amen!
If i was FI i would be PISSED they are holding this over his head.
I am also 27, and from an old fashioned, overprotective family. My FI to be is divorced and has twin daughters and a son who i adore. I am not going to lie, it was very hard for my parents (and us) when I first started dating him. However they have welcomed him, and support me because although they are worried about my future, they want me to be happy. I agree with the previous comments he needs to find a new job ASAP, and law down the law - This is my life, this is who I love, if you love me you'll accept it, end of story.
I am very sorry for what you are going through, and promise it will get better.
So I a bit confused on why this has been going on for so long...I remember your post a few months ago about the difficulties between your FI and his family at work and I am wondering why he hasn't quit yet....???
I hope that he can find another job -pronto. They sound like they are SICK! I am so sorry for you.
Wow! How awful! I can certainly understand why you are so upset about this! Hugs!
Deeeeep breaths! You mentioned that you are thinking about calling it off. First off, remember that you are marrying your FI, not his family. Second, it sounds like your FI told you about this-- which is good that he is being honest with you. It sounds like he is a good guy and loves you and your son very much. That is wonderful!
That being said, the two of you need to figure out how to handle this together. If his family is interfering so much, then perhaps he should take another job. Perhaps he should distance himself from his family for a bit, and then work on repairing the relationship once he is not dependent on them for his salary. You must also figure out if you can stand this once you guys are married. His parents are always going to be around, and you might not want to deal with them (if your FI doesn't stick up for you) long term. So I would take a step back and figure out how you and your FI can make this work together.
I would quit any job where my paychecks bounced, family or not. Why is your FI putting up with that BS?
@PinkPinstripes: Yes, several months ago you were posting about how FI's parents were threatening to fire him and making your lives hell. Has he been looking for other jobs in the meantime?
Really, unless you want to blow your entire wedding budget on legal fees, the only solution is for your FI to find another job, leave the nest, and start calling the shots in his own life. The two of you can waste more time and lose more paychecks drama-ing with his family, or you can cut ties and cut your losses.
I know, it's easier said than done, but you've got to do something. Playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourselves is not going to get you anywhere.
i agree with others. FI needs to throw the deuces and find a new job. F them
OMG! My FI and I are/were in similar situations. His family hates me because I have a child and has never met me either! Thank god he doesn't depend on them for anything anymore. They "cut" him off so to speak and only call to harass him, its sad really. I say your FI find a new job ASAP! Psycho parents like them need to be reprimanded
@PinkPinstripes: I remember her previous post that was similar to this as well and I also wonder why her FI hasn't just quit and thereby stopped his parents from trying to hold control over their lives.
It seems to me that if what they are doing really bothered him (which it definitly should), he wouldn't just sit around and let it continue to happen.
@jeye7161: Tell him to cut the umbillical cord and find his own job. Simple as that. He could report them to the dept of labor. Does he have emails stating this agreement? He could probably sue them actually. Either way, do you want to be with a man who can't stand up for you or to his parents?
I'm so sorry. That's cruel of them to purposely make your lives harder by taking away his money that he rightfully earned. I would tell him to find another job asap!
I thought he was fired from this job in one of your earlier posts?
Either way he needs to get out now. Bouncing paychecks are no joke, and I wouldn't have put up with it happening once let alone multiple times.
They've given him enough signs they don't want him working there, time for a new job.
i think we are missing a golden opportunity here. he should take them for all they are worth, then quit the day before the wedding and spend the money on an elaborate honeymoon =)
ps- he really needs to not work for his own parents.
@MissHelen: i agree. if they have a contract or agreement with him and aren't paying him for work he's done, it seems like there should be some legal recourse...
I've already given plenty of amazing, tear-jerkin' advice on this. And so have many other bees. It is time for you to leave your FI now. You've had this problems for MONTHS. And neither of you are actually doing anything substantial to make it stop. We keep seeing these posts surface every now n' then. Clearly, the problem is not FI's parents. It is you two. Get rid of each other. Seems to me like you both are very S&M and love drama. Bad combo for the child involved who has to put up with your b.s.
hm i just checked some of your older posts....your fiance was going to sue his family before? and now he is still working for them?
oh wow...and more about calling off the wedding cos FI's family hates you....wow.....there are a lot of posts on this.
@Sasha2011: wow.... that is very harsh...
also read more of your posts.... Have you considered counseling? theres got to be more to it than just his family. He kinda needs to "grow a pair" and walk away from them... I think you should figure out why he is still working for his family and allowing them to do these things...
@Sasha2011: i agree. that was way harsh. if you don't like it, you don't have to read or respond to it. it's not like she's flooding the boards on this topic. the posts would probably die down with less responses-- it takes two to tango.
I dont think Sasha is being harsh at all. I think she is being truthful. There has been numerous posts on this issue from this one poster. She has been given sound advice before and refuses to do anything but come back to the boards and whine about her situation. It's just a big merry-go-round and takes up valuable time for others looking for real advice or venting about an real issue,
Yes its a shitty situation-we get that...but the only way to fix it....GET A NEW JOB. They can't do anything to him if he quits.
I think someone said earlier that it would be difficult to sue his parents. I have been out of work for a year, so I understand that being without a job is hard, but if they are hardly paying him-and only plan to make it tougher on him, maybe it is really time for him to find another job-anything-even if it doesn't pay much. Because they are not paying him-Rather than quitting outright-if he does need whatever they do pay him he might as well set up job interviews and leave early to go to them. Something really needs to be done!!! This has really been going on too long. If he really loves you and wants to be with you-then it is time he did something!!! If he won't after all this time, then maybe it is time for you to move on. I wish you the best.
There is really nothing else to do other than get your fiance to quit his job. You've heard this before, why is he still working for them? If you truly want to live your lives then you need to get out of this toxic situation. But it doesn't appear as if either of you are listening to us, I remember this post from you months ago and you haven't made changes to your situation at all. All of these kind girls are giving you good advice, and you haven't responded to a single one.
Sasha’s post was maybe a little harsh, but at some point, you have to either act to change things, or stop lamenting about how you wish things were different. From other posts the OP’s FI spent 3 years in a relationship with someone who went out on dates with other men and treated him like crap. He works for his family who treats him like crap. He’s a grown man and at some point either needs to stop letting people walk all over him…or not.
Either way, no matter how much you love someone you need to watch out for your child (and yourself). He’s been in long term toxic relationships, and is continuing a toxic relationship with his family. He might never change and if you marry him, you’ll probably be dealing with his family, and his behavior for the rest of your life. If it makes you feel worthless, maybe it’s time to leave.
Trust me for I came from a family that is strict and super traditional... His family can threat all they want to, but your FI's conduct speaks volumn..ie he needs to man up and stand up for himself and for you! I was dating a non asian guy and they pulled every trick in the book to have me break up with him...they succeeded..then I dated another one..they too disapproved and made it so difficult. I cared enough for the second one to defy my parents (I was 24)...I would bring him by, have them meet and they got to know him and really liked him (took several years to get them to speak to him). What I'm trying to get at is that your man needs to cut tie with them or put in the efforts to get his family and his new family to be on the same page. When his parents see him so happy together with you and your child..they might warm up to you. If they continue to act like crazies...find a different job!!
@gabrielleelise1981: Absolutely.
OP, you should understand that your FI doesn't have to be a bad person in order to be a toxic person.
You're probably wondering why everyone is being so harsh and heaping the blame on your FI. You're probably thinking, "How can they blame him for everything going wrong? He's the victim here! These problems have all been his evil family's fault!"
And yet, from your posting history, your FI is the common denominator in all your drama threads. The thing is, sometimes good people behave in ways that attract toxic people or encourage toxic behaviors in people. He's not doing it consciously, but the effect is the same as if he did. The results speak for themselves.
I'd argue that the "doormat" personality is actually one of the most toxic personalities there is, because of its tendency to draw other toxic people like a magnet. It's also one of the hardest to recognize because doormats never actually do anything wrong. They're so NICE! They don't want to hurt anybody! But the problem is, they DO. They hurt the ones they love by exposing them to all the drama and toxicity that they invite in through the front door.
If your FI is not willing to quit his job and look elsewhere after all the crap his family has put both of you through, I'd say it's counselling/therapy or bust. If he can't take steps to become a stronger person and stop being the victim of others' abuse, marrying him will mean marrying into a lifetime of this crap. Is that really what you want your life to be like?
@jayce: I couldn't have put it better myself. I fully agree. Great point.
I agree with the others. Do you want to expose yourself (and your child) to this toxic family for the rest of your life while your fiance seems to be permanently enmeshed in their dysfunctional behavior? You say you work and support yourself and your child--is there any way you can support your fiance until he finds another job? What line of work is he in? Maybe people here have some ideas on resources for finding himself a new job. But the key is for your fiance to stop working for his parents, because it is clear that is how they control him, and he allows it to continue.
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