Post # 1
I’d like to start off by saying that I fully and completely trust my FI and do not think that he would ever cheat on me. We are both very secure in our relationship and do not have trust, esteem, etc. issues whatsoever.
Last weekend was FI and my bach parties. I knew that they would end up going to the strip club..and I was completely fine with it. I had told him how I felt about him getting a lap dance and that it would really bother me. He said that he had no intentions to and if someone bought one, he’d probably just give it to one of his buddies. We didn’t go much further into detail about it than that.
So last night, over a week later, strippers got brought up. He had told me when he got back that they had stopped at the strip club briefly and that was it. I had just ASSUMED that nothing happened. So last night when it got brought up, I asked nonchalantly (thinking he’d say no) “did you get a lap dance?” And he said YES. I thought he was joking and it turns out he definitely was not. I was kind of shocked. I do respect that he was honest with me! I was pretty upset and he kept saying it wasn’t a big deal and “the strippers there don’t even get naked”. haha. He told me if he would have known that I cared that much he wouldn’t have done it and I should have come right out and said it (even though I did make it very clear that I wouldn’t like it).
I understand that I need to get over it and move on. But I still feel shitty about it. I get that strippers are “paid professionals” and a lap dance doesn’t mean anything, however I feel so disrespected! The only woman that a man that’s engaged to be married should be seeing naked (besides TV) and let alone GRINDING on his JUNK should be his BRIDE. It just makes me sick to my stomach to think about. I am very confident with my looks and my body, so I am not jealous that he liked her more than me or anything.
I’m not second guessing my future with FI or anything crazy, but I can’t help but think a little less of him. I know he loves me so much and it wasn’t his intent to hurt me.
Has anyone else gone through this? How long did it take to move on from it? I’m so scared I’m going to resent him for a long time over this.. It is shitty because this is the first time I’ve felt this way toward him. He’s been so good to me! I just don’t think I feel this way for no reason.
Thanks in advance for your support.
Post # 2
You need to let it go. Don’t replay it over and over in your head. It happened, it’s done. Resentment just harms the relationship. He’s marrying you. Coming home to you. Loves you. And he was open and honest about it and didn’t try to hide anything. He sounds like a good guy. Don’t let this taint your upcoming marriage.
Post # 3
bethanyyf: I haven’t been through this, but I have told my FI that he’s allowed to go to a strip club on his stag if his best man plans one but that I think getting a lap dance crosses a line (that is just where my line happens to be) and I know I will be incredibly cross/upset if he does get a lap dance… so basically my point is that I think your feelings on this are completely justified, especially as you’d discussed it beforehand.
Post # 4
bethanyyf: That would bother me too, especially because you DID tell him you didn’t want him to get a lap dance. I have the same parameters for FI’s bachelor party – I know his brother is going to want to go to a strip club or something like that, but I think touching of any kind crosses a line.<br />
What I don’t get is why your FI didn’t think you would care when you specifically told him you would.
I mean, you probably will just need to get over it, but you should make sure he understands that you feel hurt, disrespected and a little betrayed. I certainly don’t think it’s worth questioning the future of your relationship over, but I do understand your feelings. He should at least be very apologetic!
Post # 5
bethanyyf: Personally I don’t get the whole “going out and having a raunchy night” kind of thing. Male or female. I’m older, but even when I was younger I didn’t understand it. Like it’s a green light to be raunchy for “one last time”. Of course that has nothing to do with how you’re feeling, but I thought I’d put it out there. I wouldn’t say he was super honest with you, though, because you told him BEFORE he went that you wouldn’t want him to have the lap dance. And you didn’t find out that he disrespected your wishes til quite a bit AFTER. Not that I think he’s going to be a cheater or anything, but that wasn’t very nice.
Post # 6
I can’t really add anything except WHY do brides and grooms continue this ridiculous tradition when it causes so much heartache? I don’t care about being the ‘cool girlfriend’, and in no other circumstance would I be happy for my FI to ogle another womans naked body in the flesh or for him to become aroused at another womans touch, why the hell is it ok for him to then PAY for that just before we become man and wife? I have zero problem with him watching porn(within reason)but he knows me well enough to know that lap dances and strip clubs would be a complete no-go, you should have made your boundaries clear to your FI beforehand, but you will get over it, he didn’t cheat, but still the thought of your partner who you’re about to marry being turned on by another woman can’t be nice, ever. I’m sure you’ll get the usual responses about overreacting etc, but I don’t believe for a second that ANY woman likes the idea of her partner getting a lap dance.
Post # 7
bethanyyf: Oh c’mon! It was his bachelor party! He didn’t fuck her, he doesn’t even know this girl’s real name! You already knew that he would seeing butt-naked girls gyrating all over the place at the strip club, and you were fine with it. His friends probably “surprised” him with the lap dance anyway. It sounds like it’ll be a one time thing now that you’ve cracked the whip, so just RELAX…
Post # 8
let it go. it really isn’t a big deal at all.
Post # 9
Thanks everyone! I feel a little better that I’m not the only one that would feel this way. You’ve been really helpful. 🙂
Post # 10
RedHeadKel: I am also a little older and have never understood this particular tradition. I would be devistated if my husband had done this….
Post # 11
bethanyyf: You’ve already said it yourself so I don’t need to berate you and say, “GET OVER IT!!” but eventually, you will.
You’re completely valid in feeling shitty about it! I would too! No one wants to imagine their SO being entertained or made to be aroused by anyone other than them. Hell, I even get upset when FI “likes” or “comments” on a figure competitor’s photo on facebook (he’s really into fitness and WHY do these girls have to post nearly naked photos of themselves on social media!??!)
When things like that get under my skin, I try and think about it from my OWN perspective. For instance, if YOU were on the receiving end of a lap dance, wouldn’t it be kind of meaningless and comical? Granted, most male strippers are gay. I try and think of it that way and I realize it’s really not that big a deal. It helps in getting over it.
Post # 12
I would try and let it go. You said you aren’t jealous or insecure. The only slight issue I see is that you told him no lap dances and he got one anyway. However, he’s a grown man and will do what he wants so you may lose that argument….
Post # 13
If my fiance did this, there would be no moving on, primarily because he TOLD you that he would not accept a lap dance from a stripper. So telling you one thing and doing the opposite thing is a major problem and would be a dealbreaker for me.
My personal opinion is that men who are willing to exploit and objectify women for money do not respect females in general, much less you, since he agreed not to do it and then did it anyway. I get that the prevailing attitude is “boys will be boys,” but I say, screw that. A man who loves and respects you, and a man who has an ounce of respect for females, will not accept a stranger shoving her titties in his face. Sorry.
I don’t think you are overreacting. If it’s bothering you, your concerns are valid and you need to have a Come to Jesus meeting with him about promising you he will not engage in a certain behavior, and then doing it anyway. And you also need to think about whether you want to be married to a man who is willing to exploit women’s bodies.
Post # 14
bethanyyf: I’m sorry you are having these feelings. I wouldn’t even worry about it hun. You are getting married to the man of your dreams soon. He will be with only you-forever! The more and more you think about it, its going to haunt you. Just let this slide, in the end it will be better for your realtionship. Don’t think any less of him though, he probably was in the moment and wasn’t thinking too much into it. I know you guys talked about it briefly but nothing too into detail, so I wouldn’t let it bother you. It was literally probably 2 mins if that! and its not like he touched her places etc. Don’t be jealous that she took his time and that he may or may not have gotten aroused. The bottom line is, it doesn’t matter. You are secure in your realtionship right? So just move on.
Post # 15
bethanyyf: You made your boundaries known and he didn’t respect them. I’d be angry too. Whether or not others agree with your boundaries or would have an issue with the same behaviour from their partner is not the question. Every relationship is different and it’s about what you are comfortable with, not how others manage the same issue.
I guess at this point all you can do is talk to him and ensure that it doesn’t happen again. Some women would consider what he did cheating and others wouldn’t care at all. You need to decide how you want to approach it and what you can live with.