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I was not sure if FI's friends would drag him to a strip club for his bachelor but anyway, I was fine with them going. We did not discuss it at lengtht before, I just told him no contact dance. His party was Saturday, they went to the club and his friends got him more than 12 lap dances (FI doesn't remember how many exactly). I was shocked and totally hurt by this. To me, 1 or 2, even 3 lap dances would have been part of the deal, and though I don't quite like the idea, I would have dealt with it. But 12!!! In our city, the girls strip completely, no bottoms, no piece of clothing left. So he had at leat 12 different girls dangling their breasts and much more 6 inches from his nose. I'm so disappointed and crushed.
We had a huge fight about it all. The biggest fight we ever had. I told him he should have stopped it at some point, told his friends it was enough. That having so many girls dancing for him is totally disrespectful to me and our relationship, that it is not just fun and part of the game after the 4th girl. He keeps saying he did not know I'd be so hurt by all of it, that he wishes he could have known beforehand. I answered I could never have imagined him having so many lap dances so I did not feel I needed to set up "rules" for his night, never in a million years.
So it is now 24h after I've learned all this and I still sad, mad and disappointed. We have talked about it calmly, but it doesn't erase what I feel. There's this shadow on our relationship, this aura of disappointment on both parts. Not where I wanted us just 19 days before our day. I can't work I'm so messed up by the situation. Any ideas how to overcome this quickly? Forgiveness does not seem to come to me easily on this one...
A
For one, you're not alone. There's a lot of girls who have been in your shoes on the bee.
From my POV however, I don't understand your "numbers." What IS the difference between 1-3 and 12? Those one or three are still naked all over him. I'm personally of the no-strip club or strippers crew, but it seems like people either don't agree or don't care. I'm confused by the "some is OK" but not more than that. If it's a violation to your relationship, the 1st one is the same violation as the 8th or 15th.
I'm honestly not sure what I can say to help... other than you need to be honest to yourself and your FI.
Frankly I don't see the difference between 1 lapdance or 12 lapdances and I'm sure your FI didn't either (esp if drinking). You are either OK with him going to the strip club and getting lap dances or you aren't. I think you just need to say to yourself look, I didn't express to him I had a problem with him getting lapdances (which you clearly do, even if you thought you wouldn't) and that is on ME. I really don't think he did anything wrong in this situation honestly. You can't say you are fine with him going and then turn around and be mad at him for having boobies in his face. That's not really fair. At this point you need to just take this for what it is - a miscommunication between the two of you, and perhaps a little bit of you not really acknowledging you were uncomfortable with the idea - and learn from that that in the future you need to be honest with yourself and communicate your feelings better. Don't let it ruin your relationship. They are just boobs.
There is not a whole lot of difference between 1 lap dance and 12. He probably had 12 guys there and they all bought him one. Once he's there...he doesn't have a ton of control over the situation. And it probably wasn't 12 different girls...
Now thinking of my FI with naked women in his face is not my favorite picture, but it's a whole different issue in my opinion when it is in a public strip club with no touching. The private strippers are much more dangerous.
Does he love you and want you? If so, let it go...bachelor parties are more for the friends than the bachelor these days.
I know this is a heated topic and I know you'll get a lot of opinions either way, but in the end. It's already done. He told you all about it and he wants to marry you in 19 days; not some stripper.
Okay i'm a pragmatist. What is the solution to this situation-- really? Yea he probably shouldn't have done that. He hurt you, he disappointed you, he didn't meet your expectations (although to be fair... your expectations don't sound particularly clear).
Is he sorry? Do you still want to marry him?
I am betting "yes" on both counts. Don't hold onto this. Don't punish him for it. Don't let this ruin your last few weeks before wedding planning. You've told him how you feel and he is sorry. I am sure that you will be much more clear about your expectations in the future, and I'm sure that he'll be more careful to not hurt you. If you love each other you really should just try to forgive and forget imo.
Wow. I'm trying to imagine how I would find it in me to be ok with this. I'd be devastated.
Sometimes guys are clueless as to what we expect if we don't tell them specifically beforehand (especially when they're with the guys and there's drinking involved).
There is no way to change the past, but be honest with him and see how he reacts and how he cooperates with you to ensure that in the future, boundaries are not stepped over, ever again..
If you and your FI have talked it all out...I don't know what else you can do other than recognize that it was a one night thing...and try to work your way through whatever you are feeling.
I agree with KLP...I don't understand why the difference in numbers are upsetting....2 or 22...most people either go for all or nothing when it comes to strippers. I don't mind strippers that keep some clothes on but my FI knows that he would be getting ZERO lap dances with a totally naked stripper...not happening.
Maybe your FI just got carried away and assumed that since you knew he was going to a strip club, and didn't set limits....he was good.
I agree with PP that the numbers question is tricky.
But I also understand that when the OP said she was okay with her FI going to a strip club, she was expecting a "typical" experience, i.e. 1-2 dances (no contact).
She's hurt because she's wondering why her FI thought it was necessary to have more than 12 dances with women, a much higher number than "average" and what the OP expected.
@annieville76: I am so sorry this happened. I feel for you entirely. You two need to be honest with how you feel and come to a mutual solution. And in the future, have more precise groundrules so no one's feelings have to get hurt. Good luck.
My opinion is and always will be why would my man a few days before my wedding need to have naked women grind on him?
I dont get it and never will. Back in the day when we were young is understandable but at a certain age it just seems ridiculous. If I am what he wants he should not be there especially with 12 pairs of naked tits in his face. My husband isnt a strip club man and finds it gross. He prefers to have me dance LMAO I guess I got lucky. I feel bad for you but like PP have been saying if yous ay its okay you cant get mad for the amount. I am so so sorry for you. I know women try to be "cool" with it and i see you tried and didnt think he would go that far.
And I am sorry I dont care if there is 30 men there. Your man CAN take control unless he is what a young boy?
I'm in the same boat as the other commenters. To me it doesn't seem like there's a difference between 1 or 12. I think you have to be 100% okay/not okay with it, there's no magic number middle ground.
I guess I fall in the "don't care" side of this. At first the fact that my fiance and his friends went to strip clubs really bothered me. They actually took me once with them (and a couple of other girl friends) so that I could see what it was like. I hated it and quite frankly felt really awful about myself for weeks afterwards. Then I kind of got to a point where it just wasn't something worth fighting about for me. It's not my thing, but let them have their fun. There's not much difference between three or four pairs of boobies versus 12. If they were all drunk enough they may not have even been able to tell which girl was which... heh.
Either way, I would suggest communicating all of your expectations to him beforehand. He can't read your mind, and honestly most guys just don't think about this stuff. Since you didn't set out clear expectations I'd let this one pass, but next time if you communicate clearly to him what is OK and what isn't and he does it anyway, then you have problems.
I would put it in his court. Tell him that he has made you sad and feel less than special and that you want to be a happy bride who knows her husband thinks the world of her and that he needs to figure out a way to remedy the situation and make you feel uniquely loved again. He messed up, let him figure out how to fix it.
As the other girls have said this seems like a case of you thinking you'd be ok with something and then finding out it bothered you a lot more than you'd think. It's not your fault that you got upset or that you and he didn't have an hour long talk about what could or shouldn't happen.
I think it's best that you forgive him for the quantity of lap dances (wouldn't it be weird if he told his buddy's it was ok and then after 3 said "ok I've hit my limit"? At that point they probably wouldn't have listened anyway) and learn that if you're having feelings against something don't just say "ok you can do it, but just a little" It's like smoking cigarettes. It doesn't matter if someone smokes 3 or 3 packs, if you're against it you're against it. If you're ok with it, you shouldn't stand there and count how many they go through.
As someone who has the same mentality as you, in that I don't really care if they go to a strip club, I think I'd be quite shocked and hurt by the number! I mean geez, I really would be ok with 1 or 2, I could play that off as wanting the bachelor party experience, but over 12! Geez! I can understand were your coming from, the sheer number is what gets to me! I would like to think my FH wouldn't want THAT many girls on top of him! Obviously I don't think this means he loves you any less, it very possible that he just let common sense out the window and really didn't think you'd mind (boys are stupid sometimes). Let him know how upset you are and why, he should totally be apologizing for his actions and should also do something to make it up for you. How would he feel if you had over 12 men grinding up on you!
What is the concern here? Is there a maximum number of boobs he can be around before it's cheating? Are you legit worried he's going to leave you for one of these strippers? If the answer is yes, some serious reevaluation is necessary. If the answer is no, then I think you need to chill out and let it go. Seriously - these chicks dance for money. It's their job. You know how you feel when you're at work answering phones or typing up reports or whatever it is you do? That's how they feel when they're doing lap dances. Any man in his right mind is well aware of that. If you've ever had a lap dance, you know that it's fun, but also more than a little embarrassing. I'm sure what he really wants now is to have to rehash it with you when it was probably just his friends trying (and succeeding) to embarrass him in the first place.
Really, sister - it's no big deal. A little realism needs to find it's way into this situation. As someone above said, they're just boobs.
It sounds to me like you weren't okay with the idea at all, but because it was his bachelor party, you would ease up a bit, and be okay with a little bit of tomfoolary.. but they pushed the limit of what you were comfortable with.
If that's why you are angry, that's what you need to talk to your FI about.
It probably should have been a bachelor party location that should have been avoided, because honestly, you would probably have felt the same way if you found out he had two, you would have just be a little less upset.
Sorry you are going thru this. Talk with him about it, tell him why you are upset, and then you have to be able to let it go.. if you can't, it will haunt both of you forever..
Guys are funny (ok probably more like stupid) when they get out in groups together. I bet your fiance was just going along with the crowd and enjoying the night.
I know to us seeing naked women up-close and personal is a very emotional subject but it seems like guys just don't process it the same way. Women think of lap-dances as incredibly intimate, sexual acts. Men just seem to think of it like watching a show like a naked play. I bet your fiance doesn't even remember the 'name' or anything about any of the girls that danced for him. It was out of his brain (and hers) the moment he handed over the $20.
The important thing is that he came home and curled up in bed with you and wants to do that everynight for the rest of his life with you!!
I'm sorry you are feeling bad about this, but I'd honestly not worry. At the end of the day, yes there were random women 'dancing' on your FI, and it's kinda gross, but there wasn't any emotion involved and you should just try to move on and focus on your pending wedding and how happy you will be then.
Bahelor parties are for the other guys. I think it's some sort of male rights of passage that the single guys feel like the last thing they'd want before married is a fun night at a strip club while the soon-to-be-married / married guys think they'd rather be getting one from their fiancee / wife.
Realisitically, guys don't have this idea of what "3 is right, but 9 is wrong" sentiment that you have. It seem overzealous to you- but in his eyes- you gave him permission when you let him walk through that stip club door. I know you're really hurt but he didn't mean to disrespect you- you didn't want to set up rules because you didn't even know what would hurt you. I think right now you're just feeling foolish- and he's at a lost of how to make this up to you.
*Hugs* I know you can get over this because couples have so many larger issues to deal with- you are going to be so happy at your wedding.
@annieville76: I completely understand where you are coming from. 1-3 girls would have been fine but 12? I would also be hurt and dissappointed.
Like the PP said though, after some drinks, it probbaly wasn't a big deal. I understand that you may feel disrepected but again, the dances were probably for the enoyment of the other part-goers. Also, the fact that your fiance feels bad and wishes he had known your feelings beforehand says a lot. In his mind, he probably just didn't see the differene between 1 and 12. We women can of course see the difference though. I hope you feel better:-)
I don't know how it is for sure at the club your fiance was at, but I know that a lot of strip clubs in Montreal don't really do one on one 'lap dances' that you normally see. It's more like a guy pays for a lap dance for someone, but the girl dances for the whole group. It's basically paying the girl to dance in front of your group instead of others. The clubs also have a no-touch policy.
I don't know if it makes you feel any better, but I think that if this is what was going on then the guys were buying them for everyone, not just your fiance.
Im sorry! I'm sure it was more his friends influence than his and he was most likely drinking a lot. I understand why you are upset because you talked about no contact but if you have a bunch of boys going to a strip club how can you expect no contact. It's kinda like telling them its okay to go to the bars but just don't drink. It is what guys do at a strip club bachelor party. He was not trying to disrespect you or hurt your feelings- he was just out with his guys. I have heard of guys doing much worst at strip clubs- a lap dance is prob as innocent as it gets for that scene. It sounds like he is being open and honest with you also which is good.If he is sorry and apologizing you have no choice but to forgive and forget- if this is really bothering you as much as it is then maybe you can share with him that future strip club visits are prob not a good idea because you thought you would be okay with it but you really aren't.
Some of you get my "numbers", some of you don't. Let's clarify: I don't like my man to have lap dances. If he were to go out with friends on a regular night, and somehow they ended up at a strip club, I'd expect him to watch the show on stage but not to pay for a personal dance.
But, it was his bachelor party and I know most involves strippers nowadays. So I thought that he should have the freedom to enjoy a couple of lap dances paid for by his buddies. Frankly, the number that came to my mind was 3. I wouldn't have liked it, but I would have keep quiet about it. My fault is I did not communicate all this to him, and believe me I see my mistake now. I guess I was naive thinking his friends were decent married men in their mid-thirties who would not get carried away with all this, well I was wrong. My best male friend was with them and he did not think about my feelings either it looks like. In fact, 3 of my friends that have become his were there and partipated in the whole thing. Let's say I'm not only disappointed in my FI and it hurts in many ways.
And just to clarify some more: I never gave him permission to do anything. I just said "no contact dance, no private dance in the back or I'll cancel the wedding". That is what I said and it was clearly not enough.
I am not saying my feelings are right and justified, they just are what they are: feelings. I'd so like to not have them right now and I don't know how.
Thanks for your comments, it helps somewhat to see I'm not alone having issues with stuff like this.
@annieville76:I understand why you are so upset, I would be horrified as well. I think that the difference in numbers also feeds into how long this was going on for. He didn't just have a few quick lap dances, he had what must equate to over an hours worth. I'm with you on this one, I would be disgusted as well. He def. should have said enough is enough.
I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I completely understand the sadness and anger, but I'm sorry to say that the moment you had let him go; you guys were in grey territory. As far as I'm concerned nothing good can ever come out of a bachelor party in a strip club and lots of trouble like this. Our rule is no strippers ever period. I don't care if there's touching, looking, how many, how undresses etc. It is all unacceptable, period. If you had conflicting feelings about it, you should've had a lengthy discussion beforehand laying the ground rules. Because he probably honestly thought he was doing nothing wrong because you didn't spell it out for him. As much as the situation sucks, I can't blame him entirely and I have to say you guys have to find a way to move past it at this point. And take a lesson from it for the future to have more open discussions for what is ok for both of you and what is not.
There's no way you can talk about every possible situation that may cause distress
And most people don't want to talk every little detail out
But.............when feelings are hurt and there is a misunderstanding it's the person who did the hurting (even if unintentional) to find an appropriate way to apologize. At least that's how it works in our relationship. We find each other to be reasonable people, which I think most couples do (or should), so hurt feelings are usually taken as justified. The other person explains the misunderstanding, apologizes profusely, and makes it better - usually involves a fun date, lots of attention and lots of kind words.
This happened to a friend of mine her FI ended up getting some absured number of lap dances, I don't know about the club your fiance went to but where they went it was like 2 minutes per dance...I don't know if this will help you feel better but my friend felt a bit better (though still upset) after she found out it wasn't hours of lap dances (which is what she initally thought).
UGH...Strippers.
I don't understand why guys want to go there when they are married, engaged have kids ect. I am sorry that you were hurt by your FI big number of lapdances. I find them completly disrespectful and harmful to a relationship. My FI had 3, one with one girl and one with 2 girls together. We did have the talk though before hand and we had said NO lapdances and all the guys knew it before hand. But his asshole cousins decided it would be a good idea to buy 3 for him. He called me the second after they happened and I was so hurt. He broke his promise to me and lost a bit of trust. We also fought about it for a couple days and almost cancelled the wedding. I can say now that there will be no more strippers EVER for him, unless I am there with him.
@annieville76 - we had a sitch with my hubs bachelor party too, it sucks, really it does and i'm sorry. i know how awful i felt then too. this might not work for you but here's what we did: we agreed not to talk about it anymore and that now that he knows my limits, he will respect them. and then we moved on. and we got married. and we're crazy happy and in love and all of the things we were before his stupid bachelor party. We refused to let one night re-define our relationship and overshadow all of the joy of our wedding.
It's not always easy. If I think too much about it I can get all worked up again, but why? It doesn't serve our relationship to dwell, it only holds us back. Take a few days, take a lot of breaths, and bring your focus back to the amazing man you know and love and want to marry in 19 days, because that (hopefully!) hasn't changed!
Good luck!
How about just finding a guy that's completely and totally satisfied with YOU and only you... and has a little more respect for women (even strippers!) as people, and not just sexual objects?
Just a thought.
Eh. It's done now. You can either 1) keep fighting about it with it (which won't solve anything), 2) yell at him one good time and tell him never again will this happen, or 3) ignore that it happened altogether to save the peace from here-on-out.
"He keeps saying he did not know I'd be so hurt by all of it, that he wishes he could have known beforehand." --> Guys will ALWAYS say this. It seems like the majority of guys would rather ask for forgiveness once the deed is done than ask your "permission" in the first place.
I don't forgive/forget easily/ever either. I'd pick option #2 above, make him pay for me to get a back massage and cook me a good home-cook meal, and try to enjoy the next 19 days so I don't get big purple bags under my eyes.
@soychailatte: That's a little judgy, eh? Just because a man goes to a strip club doesn't mean he's not satsfied with his woman. It's not like he's having sex with these girls or calling them up at night to talk about their day. There's a certain fantasy element that I think it's healthy to entertain. Just like with porn. I'm not going to get into a discussion of what's ok and what's too much because it's different for everyone, but I think it's healthier to acknowledge those feelings instead of bottling them up or pretending they don't exist. If we don't, people start to feel shameful or feel like it's wrong that they ever even see others outside of their relationship when in reality that is totally normal.
As for OP, I think you need to set your boundaries now and forgive and forget this one. You clearly did not give him enough of a line (THIS is ok, THIS is not) and he got carried away. I wouldn't be too upset with your friends either. They didn't do this to hurt you. They probably didn't even think about you at all and THAT'S OK - the night was about him, not you. Don't take it all so personally. I would lay it on the line that from now on this is the rule you want followed and let it go. If something like this ever happens again after you've discussed it, then you have every right to be pissed.
First of all, do you really trust your partner? Is it the fact that he got lap dances or the fact that you don't trust him? I would say that the fact that he told you is a good sign.
Just suggesting that if it's going to become such a big issue, perhaps it's best to completely avoid the problem. Sexual liberation is a very personal continuum, and everyone has to make the decision for themselves as a couple. For some, a sexual partner having a lapdance from someone else is no big deal and is part of a healthy sexual appetite. I understand that.
On the other hand, if a partner having a lap dance agitates someone enough that it's hard to forgive them, it may be time to ask that partner to re-evaluate his or her boundaries or to find someone who will have respect for BOTH partner's sexual and emotional health--even if that means no strippers.
Not meaning to judge, just being realistic that if this is a problem now, it's not likely that things will be different in 20 years. Reconciling the sexual and emotional needs of two people in an intimate relationship can be pretty tricky business.
@soychailatte: I agree with what you just said, but frankly was taken aback at your first comment too. I hope your FI or husband is so enlightened, but comments like your first are not helpful to the OP...
@soychailatte: I get what you're saying. I think it would apply more if this were a habitual problem - like he's out getting lap dances every Wednesday and twice on Sundays (and you know that Sunday crew is 3rd string at best!) and was doing it regardless of her being upset about it. However, unless I'm mistaken, it sounds like it was a one shot deal. Bachelor parties are special occasions and it seems like he was under the impression that he had permission for this and she was under the impression that it was going to be a little tamer than it turned out. I'd say a mistake like this, which is more due to miscommunication than anything else, is hardly grounds for calling off the relationship. If he didn't respect her he probably never would have told her what happened. Does that make sense?
I totally agree with Adeline on this one.
I get that you're hurt and upset and it does seem a little excessive but it was a Bachelor Party and I'm assuming a one-time thing. I would be concerned if he was going to the strippers every Monday and Friday and getting lap-dances but as it seems to have just been a one-time thing (unless I read it wrong) and that his friends probably just got a little carried away I would not be too worried about it.
If I were in your shoes I'd definitely feel a little hurt. I don't think you have to justify that. I just think that you had a discussion and he thought you were okay with the whole strip club idea so didn't even think too much about it. I think it's good that he told you so you guys can talk and move past it.
FI just got home from his bachelor weekend yesterday. Thank goodness he and his friends don't like the strip club or i'd probably be feeling the same way you are.
And just to clarify some more: I never gave him permission to do anything. I just said "no contact dance, no private dance in the back or I'll cancel the wedding". That is what I said and it was clearly not enough.
There's your problem. Why would you give such an ultimatum like that? It's really immature and shows some insecurity on your part.
I guess im in the minority, but i understand that when a guy has his bachelor party and a strip club---it is likely he will be getting A LOT of 'attention'. If you don't like it, you should of objected to him going to the strip club. You cannot tell him 'you can do this, but you can't do that.' he is with his friends and they were likely in control of the situation. It isn't just about a naked girl grinding on him--you are looking at this too emotionally.
and what is with the 'i'll cancel the wedding' ultimatum? if i said that to my FI, i'd be the one having to apologize. that is so hurtful and extremely controlling.
I am going to focus on the fact that the OP simply asked for advice on how to get over this quickly.
You have to remember that what is done is done. He can not take it back. Focus on the fact that he came home to you. That he gave you that ring and that in a couple short weeks you will be husband and wife. I know it has got to be hard, because I am not a fan of strip clubs at all and I too would be shocked at the sheer number. Take some relief in the fact that he doesn't remember when you ask him some questions, therefore he quite possibly doesn't remember them. Someone stated above that it is possible that there weren't 12 different girls giving him lap dances. I bet she is correct. I wouldn't imagine 12 different ladies giving him a lap dance. It could be that two or three girls gave him multiple lap dances. Regardless of the specifc details, it is over with. It will not happen again. He is now aware of how you feel and will most likely know better in the future. Try not to let this cast a shadow over your exciting time ahead. In a few years, you might look back and laugh. I am not saying this is a silly matter by any means, I am simply stating that in the big sceme of things, life is too short to focus on the things that are making you unhappy. I recently had to realize this as well. Enjoy your time together.
I wish you the best. Feel free to PM if you need to talk further. :)
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