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Well, honestly, it doesn't sound like Dude B CARES about being the best man... your FI could, in theory, ask him if he wanted to be co-best man; he'll probably not care one way or the other and it sounds like he really is totally clueless. Then apologize profusely to Dude A for being so short-sighted. This only works because Dude B just really doesn't care... otherwise it would be a huge no no.
It sounds like he doesn't want to be BM if he'd rather be the officiant! Can you at least do "co-BMs?" FI kind of did this because he asked his best friend, then felt bad for not asking his brother.
I've never heard of the BM/MOH being close to the couple, not sure that's really a thing...Well, I don't think you can un-ask Dude B to be the Best Man but you can def have two best men and include A that way...Sorry tho, that sucks!
We thought about having two best men...but that didn't seem like it would work. They could plan the bachelor party together, but - who stands next to FI at the ceremony? who gives the toast? who will be the witness in the marriage contract? it just doesn't seem like BM is a role for two guys :(
Given that the current best man doesn't seem hugely enthused, I'd say your FI might be able to ask him if he'd like to step down. It might be worth checking, however, to see if the first choice is still interested.
I have always felt that the BM/MOH are the sole choice of the groom & bride, you pick the person you want by your side, not who's closest to the couple- because they usually end up being completely different people. I think the best thing to do would just have your FI have co-best men. It's obvious that he wants "Dude A" by his side, and there's no reason he shouldnt be. OR ask Dude B if he's ok with being Best Man or if he would like to resign to groomsman, and that you wont be upset and completely understand if he wants to step down from the responsibilites (toast and bachelor party).
If Dude B has actually become excited about being BM, then maybe you should try to come up with a special job for Dude A so that he feels more included in his best friends wedding. Good luck!
If anyone has experience with having two best men (or seeing it at another wedding) would love to hear logistics of how this works.
@trailmix - Yeah I found out after the fact that being close to the couple is not how you're supposed to choose. That was another mistake on my part - I'm only 22 and not American, so I know very little about US wedding culture, etiquette, etc
Yeah, I'd say have 2. FI was co-BM at his bff's wedding 2 yrs ago, and I'm having my sister and my bff as co-MOHs (FI only has 1 BM). You might want to both apologize for all the confusion but say you feel it's a decision that should have been made at the very begin and you want to make "right" from here on out. He sounds like a very level-headed guy, so he should understand how hectic wedding planning and decision-making can be. Good luck!
yeah, just ask them to be co-best men. I would say ask them to switch roles, but since BM is dating your MOH it seems natural that they should walk together -- and it seems like a lot of rigamarole to ask your MOH to move into #2 position...
For logistics, FI and the other bestman took turns with each responsibility: 1 stood next to the groom, one signed the license, both gave a joint toast (I've also been to a wedding were the 2 bestmen didn't know each other and each gave a seperate toast), both escorted the MOH. You find a way to make it work because these are the people that are important to you and having them invovled matters.
Wait, you asked dude B to be the BM, your FI didn't ask him? Had you both come to some kinda of final mutual decision? If so, then while you should have allowed your FI to ask him, the decision was mutual and you both need to own up to the fall out. If it wasn't... well.... I suggest starting by apologizing to your FI... that's supposed to be his responsibility. We talked about his BM because my FI had a bit of a situation and so we talked through many scenario's of who is the "best" man to be by his side.... but... it was up to him to make the decision and ask.
You can have two BM, only one will sign. You can have the two each give a toast... One stands next to the groom, one is next to the best man. In the program they share the designation by their name. They communicate with each other to throw the bachelor party.
My husband had 2 best men. (he has 2 brothers) The older of the 2 signed as a witness but honestly it was because he happened to be standing there when we went to sign, either would have been fine. And they both gave a toast/speech together. As far as standing next to him at the alter, it worked for us that the older of the 2 stood next to my husband because the nearer of the 2 was going to be on a step and the younger is taller so it would have looked weird. It was a logistical thing, not a "I like you more" thing. Nothing about having 2 best men was weird at all. In fact, my husbands brother is getting married next month and now my husband and the other brother are the 2 best men for him.
Sounds like having co best men might work...it is very helpful to hear about how others have done it.
@KLP2010: We had discussed it with FI - I went away from the conversation thinking we had agreed to ask Dude B, but he thought a final decision had not been made. So it was a miscommunication. And it was really wrong of me to not let FI handle it himself. Which is why I feel doubly guilty about all of this :(
I had two MOH (my sisters), and they both helped plan the shower, as did my bridesmaid and a couple of other friends who weren't in the wedding party. They both gave toasts. My husband had one Best Man, but he lives across the country, so his other Groomsman planned the bachelor night, but the BM did the toast. The title doesn't necessarily dictate who does what. Have two Best Men. Have them both do a toast, and have them flip a coin for who stands next to your FI so there are no favorites. It is awesome that your FI has so many good friends who want to participate!
This is just my opinion and I hope I don't offend.
I have made enough bad decisions already to know that when you realize you've made a bad decision, you try the best you can to correct it.
It clearly seems like the FI and everyone else would be happier if Dude A could be the best man. I am more under the impression that the BM is the person closest to the groom that would make him happy and MOH is the closest person to the bride that would make her happy. Each person should get to choose who makes them feel the most special having to stand by their side.
I agree that the FI should be the one communicating. If it was just the bride that mentioned it to Dude B, it would be easy to just say the bride misunderstood and made a mistake since Groom did not officially ask Dude B. The bride would have to be strong enough to at least own up to that part, and then the rest would need to be smoothed over by the FI.
The other solution is to give Dude B another role.
Dude B sounds young and excited to do different things, like being officiant. Could you think of another fun special role that you could ask him to fill instead? Could he be like the announcer or co-emcee? You know, think of something that will keep him busy and use it as an excuse that you need him to do that instead of being the BM.
In any case, good luck and I hope all goes well.
I would just have 2 BMs. As far as who stands next to FI at the wedding- maybe whoever is taller? Shorter? I would say, coordinate it so that it looks nice with the rest of the groomsmen. There's no rule about who signs what or how many speeches you have to have- I was just at a wedding where the bride had her 3 sisters be the "maids" of honor and they didn't even give toasts- they did their toasts at the rehersal dinner and only the best man gave a speech at the wedding. So they could both easily give a short speech.
I don't think it's necessary to find other activities for dude B to do. If he doesn't want to be a best man, then he can step down and just be a groomsman. It sounds like dude A is taking care of all the important details anyway- as long as it gets done, who cares who is in charge of what? My FI's best man lives in NYC, has a brand new baby, and can't come to anything except our wedding. His local friends are stepping in to plan the bachelor party and no one thinks it's weird. I think you're worrying too much about teensy tiny little details. :)
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FI and I have been dealing with the fallout from a bad decision for months now and are afraid it might ruin the wedding.
Basically, FI has a best friend from middle/high school ("Dude A"). They see each other 2-3 times a year; I've met this guy twice and liked him, but don't know him well. FI also has a friend from college that we are both close to ("Dude B") - the three of us have done a ton of stuff together and still see each other regularly. This friend's girlfriend is the MOH.
I thought Dude B was the obvious choice for Best Man. I have always been under the impression that BM/MOH should be close to the couple, not just the bride or groom. In fact, I chose my MOH over my BFF from high school and my BFF from college because she is closer to us as a couple. None of my friends had a problem with this.
So I thought nothing of mentioning to Dude B that he would be best man. Immediately after, FI began to regret this choice - it turned out he was seriously considering asking Dude A. FMIL was shocked and angry that FI didn't pick Dude A, which didn't help either. I apologized for the mistake, but thought that the issue would die down soon.
Then things really began to go downhill. Dude A talked excitedly about planning the bachelor party and politely expressed disappointment that he wasn't BM, making FI and me feel HORRIBLE. Dude B, meanwhile, did not act excited to be BM. He repeatedly emphasized that he had no idea what to do and joked about how he would f*ck up everything. We asked another close college friend to officiate and Dude B kept saying "why don't i get to be officiant, that's so much cooler than best man." We just graduated college, so I kind of see where he's coming from not really knowing or caring about weddings, but Dude A is the same age and he seems so much more mature about the situation. Dude B also doesn't know the other groomsmen (they're all HS friends of FI) or live close to them so we don't even know how he is going to plan the bachelor party with them. In retrospect, it seems like we made the stupidest decision ever (or really, I made the decision and FI had to go along) :(
I know I made the wrong choice, but obviously it would be tacky to un-ask Dude B. I already talked to him about his comments and he apologized and told me that he was taking this seriously and was excited about it. The negative comments seem to have stopped, but FI is still upset that he can't ask Dude A. I don't want my FI to spend the wedding day wondering how it would have been different if Dude A was standing by his side ...is there anything we can do?