Post # 1
This is a new account set up to ensure privacy for my story! I’m NOT a troll- just don’t want my usual WB screen name associated with this post!
Hey ladies… I’ve touched on this before on the Bee… I don’t know if I’m looking for help, advice, or what but I just definitely need to vent for a bit! Before I explain whats going on let me give you a little bit of info about me so you’ll understand where I’m coming from!
Ok my past history with sex hasnt always been so great- I was “date raped” at 17 to lose my virginity.. NOT MANY people know this AT ALL- especially family! But my FI does know! And then I was engaged before FI, I was 19 and the guy I was engaged to came from a very rough family; however he got away, got his Bachelors degree, got a great job and we moved to a different state. While there I find out that he is pretty much addicted to sex. He use to pick fights over not getting it, he would be mad, yell, make me feel horrible about myself if he didn’t get it like he wanted. I even at one point had an irregular PAP (had a cousin die at 20yrs old of ovarian cancer) and had to go for a staining- he was mad I wouldn’t give it to him the night before that procedure! Well after all of this he ended up cheating on me with a 14yr old inmate at the Juvenile Detention Center he worked at; he went to jail and is now a registered sex offender. Well after EX-FI went to jail and all I hit a ROUGH patch and felt like that I had to have sex with a guy to get him to want to be with me… Soon found out that was NOT true. Then I was in a 2yr LDR with a guy… got pregnant the 1st time we had sex, didn’t know til after he dumped me (days after he got it) and now have a BEAUTIFUL 3yr old that I have to miss time with every other weekend because she goes to her dads who didn’t want to be with us because having a kid would hinder his social & sex life – his words NOT mine!
Ok so onto the current problem—FI and I met 2yrs ago… he lived 2 hrs away so we only saw each other every other weekend when I drove up to his house; these were the weekends my daughter was gone.. so we had “us” time (aka he got it when he wanted it) then because she was gone, I bearly saw him, & it was a new relationship. After 5months he left me… came to my house with my daughter there with me- took us to dinner and me to a movie to tell me after he was leaving. We were broke up for 3 months and he came back- we got back together with the understanding it was FOR REAL and we were gonna be engaged or what ever… I KNEW he was the person I was suppose to be with… 100% knew it was him no questions. So we got engaged and he ended up moving here to be with us. I wouldn’t move my daughter because my family is the only consistant people in her life and her dad lives 3 hrs away so I wasn’t going to take her 2 more hours to make her travel 5hrs one way two times every other weekend not including if I wanted to go visit my family. SO he moved here, got a better paying job that is more stable and now we have a house and are 75ish days from the wedding. Well since he has come back our sex life hasn’t been like before. I know it will slow down at times; I work full time, I tutor kids after school on the days I don’t have to go to night classes at the local college, then also my daughters gymnastics ontop of it. He is constantly on me about how I need to keep the house cleaned to his “expectations”, he wants more time with just me, he wants me to show him that he is so appreciated. He keeps telling me that he does so much for me by doing his own laundry, putting dishes in the dish washer and cleaning bathrooms because he works all day and should only do outdoor work and the mom does the house work (apparently this is how his parents are). So I constantly feel like he is putting me down and telling me that all of my work and efforts to keep up with everything and everyone is not good enough. He acts like my 3yr old when it comes to time with me; the fight over me! Its ridiculous! So ontop of me begging him to please be nice to me (because I think he had mild Aspergers and when he tells me what I’m doing is wrong it comes out VERY MEAN; not just as criticism) so I NEVER feel like sex… NEVER. Part of it is probably me not feeling so great about myself but he also has a 2yr old meltdown if I say no. He said he would have never moved had he known he wouldn’t get it like he wants (3times a week); He likes it and should get it. I honestly feel like it’s a little kid saying “I want it I want it I want it”? He said he never feels loved unless he gets some and that I should thank him for taking care of my daughter by giving it to him. He is part of the reason I am HATING sex so bad… he makes this huge deal about it and almost acts JUST like my EX-FI did about it … I keep telling him that he needs to stop creating arguments over it or it will NEVER get better. He makes HUGE HUGE HUGE HUGE arguments like almost breakup ones over him not getting any or how I should make him feel like he’s some sort of hero for all he does? I’m so lost… I don’t want this to end- especially over sex but I hate it now! Like I would never have sex again in my life if I could! I don’t know what to do to fix it because he says until I make an effort to change things (effort to change = doing it how he wants it done) then he isn’t going to. So he wont try to make me feel special or be nice and say nice things etc until he gets it how he wants it?! UGH What to do!!!!! Today he told me that he feels like I’m after his money & earnings potential! WHAT??? He says I he wants alone time but his alone time is only for sex. He is always making a move and he doesn’t want to do anything special with me but get it on! So I’m lost!
Post # 3
See what he thinks about you two going to couple’s counseling. This is not an issue that’s going to get better for either of you without help.
Post # 4
@MrsMcGyro: agreed. it’s only going to get worse if you don’t seek professional help
I’m sorry you’re going through this but it seems like the two of you have A LOT to work out before you commit the rest of your life to him.
Post # 5
I suggest you seee a counsellor as soon as possible and for as long as it takes.
You have more isssues than just sex to work out in your relationship.
His behavior is abusive.
Post # 6
I think it sounds like you seek out the same type of men. Men who treat you like a walking pussy that can also clean up after them. You need to DEMAND more respect than that, girl! Him doing his laundry and cleaning a bathroom is not a currency with which he can buy sex and it certainly doesn’t mean he’s extra helpful or super productive. Those are some pretty basic chores that most people don’t get some sort trophy for completing. And his begrudging attitude towards your daughter is downright unacceptable. Think of the example you are setting for her. Your relationship is going be what she emulates and sees as the bar for how men should treat her. Scary.
It sounds like you probably need some couples counselling, and if not, it sounds like you could really use someone to talk to on your own. You have to be able to process all these traumatizing things that have happened to you so that you can break this cycle of seeking out poisonous relationships. And please, learn how to enjoy YOURSELF before letting these men take advantage of your body and your kindness. I think you need a little “me” time.
Post # 7
This is not ok.
You need to get counseling together (or you need to cut it off with him and get therapy for yourself).
This is NOT a healthy relationship and he is emotionally abusing you.
Post # 8
I think the fights about sex are a symptom of a much larger problem in your relationship that needs to be worked out before you guys can contemplate moving forward with marriage.
For the record: you do not owe anyone sex. Period.
Post # 9
You two really need to work on your communication before you get married. I wouldn’t marry him with things like this going on.
Post # 10
Totally agree with the other ladies, this is a very serious issue and generally speaking something this deep rooted isn’t going to change.
The fact that he wants you to be a Suzie homemaker (which I’m not bagging on- I’m totally a Suzie homemaker in training!) and you don’t want to is really disturbing. If your FI thinks you exist to cook, clean, and screw he needs to reevaluate why he is with you.
Sex is a beautiful thing and should be intimate, fun, and empowering. I love being with my FI because it’s special and amazing and he doesn’t pressure me when I tell him I just don’t want to- and we end up having sex way more often than 3x a week! Maybe you should just try being honest with your FI and telling him ‘hey look, when I’m under pressure to do all these things I’m not in the mood for something so initimate’ If he can’t handle that..maybe you need to move on, as hard as that is =(
good luck <3
Post # 11
Definitely see a counselor asap. You haven’t dealt with your date rape issue which is the first red flag in your post. Then you choose men who basically force sex on you when you don’t want to do it…second red flag. Get to a counselor asap!!!
Post # 12
It sounds like you have a pattern of seeking/tolerating abusive relationships. I’d suggest personal counseling just for yourself to break that cycle. Then maybe do some counseling w/ your Fi.
Post # 13
I am very sorry that you are going through this.
This is abuse. I hope that you can take the time to look online or other resources and read up about the different types of abuse.
I think that he needs to realize that getting into a relationship with a mother is very different then a relationship with someone who is single without responsibilities. Personally, parenting comes first… even if it means I am exhausted at the end of the day.
I also think that he is not being fair by not seeing how much of a busy schedule you have. You ARE NOT his slave. You aren’t SUPPOSED to do this or that. It is a choice that you have and he should not make you feel guilty for that.
Though I do think that sex is a very important part of any relationship, I do not think that ANYONE has the right to make someone feel horrible for not wanting this.
Once again, I am sorry you are going through this. If you need someone to talk to, you can always pm
Post # 14
This is the tough love type of response, don’t read it if you only want encouragement.
Your FI does not sound like a man I would want to be with. From everything you say, not just the sex, he sounds a bit controlling but mostly entitled and full of himself. I personally could never be in a relationship with a man who feels that I owe him something and that it is my job to clean up after him. Therefore, I would say tell him to move out and take some time for yourself. Í think you should seek some sort of counseling for yourself as your sexual past seems to be getting in the way of your sexuality. Also, it seems like your history of long distance relationships gets in the way of having a gradual sexual relationship and leads to expectations. Finally you always refer to sex as something you are doing for the man almost as a favor to him. You should not feel obligated to have sex with any man regardless of his role in your life. If you don’t want to do it, don’t do it jusst because he makes you feel guilty.
Post # 15
Im sorry you have to deal with that. I agree with eveyone else, you need to seek help- asap, I would not get married to someone that was talking to me like that, it will only get worse.
Post # 16
…it’s not just a sex problem. He demeans you and treats you like an object (based on your post). That’s not fair, and quite honestly i’m not surprised that you aren’t interested in sex, I wouldn’t be either if I was being treated like that. It sounds like you are looking for the same kind of men, that treat you poorly. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and your daughter is watching and she’s going to think that’s how relationships are supposed to be. I think you should go to counseling for yourself. Be happy with yourself first and then you can find someone that loves you for you or work it out with current FI (although he sounds really abusive).
But it isn’t good for your daughter to watch mommy being treated like crap.