(Closed) FI has set date, let me book vendors – but won’t buy my ring! Cold feet?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

I think an engagement ring and formally being proposed to is a very big deal.  It sounds like you feel the same.  You need to talk to your BF and calmly and explain how you feel.  If this situation is bothering you, perhaps you should consider putting the breaks on your wedding plans until your BF formally proposes.  Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

agree with @texasmeredith

I am also troubled by your statement that you’ve been flaked out on in your previous relationships. I think it is important to own some of your past relationship history (even when we get dumped it is likely that the relationship wasn’t working out because of issues from BOTH partners). Its important for you to come to terms with why your past engagements did not work out, and also deal with the emotional consequences of your other FI’s death. To say “Well they left me because they found someone prettier” is putting all of that history in a box and not dealing with it, IMO. You have to be in a good place before you can truly be ready to enter into a marriage. I think you might have some unresolved baggage from your prior relationships that you need to sort through.

And I agree with what texasmeredith said, I wouldn’t move forward with wedding planning until you have more of a firm commitment from your boyfriend. Even though you have said that you two are not really the type to talk about your relationship, it is crucial that you two be on the same page about your future. Even if it is hard to talk about, you need to find a way.

Post # 7
Member
7175 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Do you want to be with a man who can’t muster the courage to ask?  I don’t say that to be mean (sorry if it sounds that way) – but when you mentioned he was terrified about doing so – it sounds like he has some things to work on in terms of dealing with emotions.

Personally, I’d put all wedding plans on hold and stop contacting vendors, etc.  I think this is a WONDERFUL time for you to work on your communication skills together and talk about where the relationship is headed. 

There could be soooo many different things going on.  He may not want to be #3 for you… or may not know how to go about moving forward (in light of his family pressures, etc).

Even though you said you weren’t expecting a formal proposal, it sounds like because he hasn’t produced a ring – it’s giving you second thoughts (and rightfully so).  

I’m curious if he told you to pick out a set or if you did it on your own (as part of planning).  Could it be that he’s not ready to move forward with being engaged and just can’t express it?

It sounds like you’ve established patterns of communication where you are the initiator… and, assuming you are fine with that – i’d bring up the topic, so it can be discussed more fully – so you aren’t feeling like you are in limbo because of his inaction.

Good luck to you and please keep us posted.

Post # 8
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

honestly, he sounds like a pansy. “hes absolutely terrified to make moves like that”?! what a wuss. Are you sure you want to marry a “man” like that?

Post # 10
Member
5824 posts
Bee Keeper

@christie.l:  Wow.  I think maybe you should try reading your posts out loud before you press the submit button.  You are routinely pretty mean.  While your comment doesn’t qualify as a “personal attack against another user” it is still incredibly rude.  If you can’t be supportive, why are you bothering to reply to threads at all?  There is a way to get your point across in a nicer way.  We encourage a supportive atmosphere here on the ‘bee.  Please familiarize yourself with our commenting policies before commenting again.

Post # 12
Member
5978 posts
Bee Keeper

LOL – he bought it like it’s hot…too funny!

So glad that you guys talking it out helped him to see where you were coming from. I know that you’re both not very big on talking about your feelings, but when you’re communicating, it seems like you’re both on the same page! I recommend communicating like this in the future!!

Congrats and hope all goes well with the premarital counseling!

Post # 14
Member
541 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Please don’t take this the wrong way b/c i do not know you personally, but it appears as though maybe you should take a step back. If i am reading correctly, this would be your 4th engagement and based on the little bit of info I know here, it seems like you pushed the envelope with the engagement, based on your comment that he “let you book vendors”. My suggestion is not to rush it, let him make a move when he is ready to and if you’re not prepared to wait, then that may lead to a difficult decision.

We planned pre engagement ring, so to me that is not the issue. The issue is, my FI didn’t “let” me do anything, he accompanied me and signed every contract with his name beside mine. He had purchased the ring way before I knew and within 1.5 months of starting the process, there was a sparkly on my finger. I knew he wanted to marry me, the ring wasnt going to define that for me-this doesn’t seem to be your case.  If you are unsure about his feelings in regards to the marriage, it’s just not a good idea to proceed. Are you settling for a non-expensive ring? If he can afford the ring and hasnt gotten it, that’s an issue in itself. Is he telling family/friends, or is this one-sided as well?

 

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