Post # 1
I am mad at FI.
His least favorite thing is mail. It stresses him out… but let me put it in context for you:
We got engaged on May 1st, getting married in December, just bought a house, etc.
So there’s a lot of big expenses going on. (note that he’s not a spender, so that stresses him out, even if we’re fine)
And today, he receives in the mail a tax thing saying he owes money to the state we previously were living in. It is annoying because he hires a pro to do them for him, and it still gets messed up. Anyways.
Next he opens a medical bill of $600 and flips out. He slams his computer, gets up and (very loudly) says to be pissed off of always coming home to more bills…
Well, guess what FI: that’s life. I hate when people are mad, and while I understand his frustration, it’s not ok to slam things… Breath, and figure it out.
so yup, I’m mad at him for handling his anger so poorly
Post # 3
oooh. I am the exact same as your FI. Which is embarassing. Even when I have enough money, unexpected bills and expenses really stress me out/piss me off. My FI is more like you “well, these things happen”. But I’m just not- I dunno why. I ALWAYS freak out when I get an unexpected bill or when something breaks and I have to pay to have it fixed. always.
Most recently, I complained (probably for too long), about being “totally broke”, because this month, I paid for a ton of wedding decor, THEN had to pay for an unexpected flight, then got sick and had to pay about 500 in unexpected tests/deductables and THEN had to pay for some job-related expenses. Okay, technically, I’m not totally “broke”. I mean, I have money in savings, but I’ve already allocated that for wedding expenses so it stresses me out to think about dipping into that.
But my fiancee came home after work that day and handed me (no lie) an envelope with 500 dollars cash. He was like, you said you’re broke and I know you probably need to money to buy gas, and food, and stuff. And then I felt like a HUGE idiot for being stressed and slightly exaggerating my brokeness. Obviously, I did not take the cash. But I also learned not to complain so much about being broke, since now I know he’s going to try to “fix it” by handing me cash in an envelope. Um…no.
So maybe try that? =) =)
Post # 4
@kmsw: Hmmmm. I think you need to lighten up on him. He’s not pissed at YOU. He’s human and humans have weaknesses and get mad. By you getting mad at him getting mad you are only feeding into the cycle of negativity.
How about when he’s upset about something, and not taking it out on you but merely venting his frustration, you be supportive of him instead of getting mad at him? Give him a hug and some understanding.
This is what I do when my FI is pissed off at something: I feel his pain with him. And when I’m upset he feels mine with me. And we get along great.
We are never mad at each other.
That way we keep the “It’s us against the world,” and “We’re in this together,” and “We are on the same team” and “I’ve got your back, baby, because I love you,” vibes going and flowing. Much better for the sex life, too. 😉
Post # 5
if he didn’t break it, he held his anger in quite well. it doesn’t take alot of strength to break a computer.
you’re being a bit judgemental here. and if you are this judgemental about one episode of him getting pissed at bills, how is he supposed to feel that he can come to you about bigger things or express how he feels around you?
Post # 6
Well, opening those 2 things back to back would make me mad too.
It’s too bad you hate when people are mad. Anger is a valid emotion. Usually “anger” masks frustration or fear – it’s a 2nd level emotion, not a base emotion. In his case…. I would guess frustration.
Now the slamming of his computer isn’t cool, he’s likely to break it. but being mad and loud…. .sometimes that’s how people are. So, if every time HE gets mad YOU get mad….. you’re going to be looking at being mad alot in your life if you chose to marry someone who is loud.
Further – if everytime I expressed frustration or anger and then YOU got mad at me? Well, I’d stop expressing it. Which might make you happy. But it would make me MISERABLE. so, I couldn’t stay in a relationship where I can’t express myself. Just sayin’.
Post # 7
TBQO I would be stressed the F out too!!! I probably would have clenched my teeth and punched something…
Everyone hates mail..
Post # 8
So many women complain that their men don’t show emotions, but when men show emotions, it makes many women uncomfortable. We have to learn to let them show emotion, even if it’s not an emotion we like, and give them a place where it’s OK for them to be open and honest.
If they’re not being violent then we just have to get used to how they express themselves, and not let it make us feel like we’ve done something wrong. It *is* okay to slam a door or slam a laptop. Or help him channel the energy to something that’s more within your own comfort zone but equally cathartic.
A long time ago I lived next door to a nightclub and for stress relief I used to climb up on the roof between the buildings, and throw rocks into their trash dumpsters which were always full of nothing but empty bottles. Breaking glass is a VERY cathartic sound. It’s amazing how much stress you release when you break a big pile of bottles with a big rock. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it was fantastic for me. See if you and your Fi can find something that is equally theraputic without making you uncomfortable.
Post # 9
@BellaDee: I despise mail! Cell phone bills are the worst, they always try to rip you off. Ugh.
Post # 10
Well. I agree that anger is a valid emotion, but no I’m not going to go hug him. I think it’s ok he’s mad, but not that he slams a computer over petty stuff like this.
About me being mad, I should have worded it better… I assumed my emoticon smiling with cool shade explained the kind of “mad” I was, but maybe not. I am more like fake/jokingly mad. I think I will do what @BookGirrl‘s FI did and hand my FI an envelope of cash for food and shelter… LOVE that 🙂
so woah, Im not being judgmental, or evil, or any of these.. lighten up.
Maybe as you get to know me you’ll realize I’m always borderline joking… and sometimes it is inappropriate (but I can’t help to find it funny)…
Post # 11
Chill out… it’s perfectly natural for him to be cross! And isn’t it good that he is expressing himself clearly and appropriately rather than picking a fight with you or kicking the cat etc?
Sometimes things make a person cross. It can be maddening, but…
Post # 12
@kmsw: “Well, guess what FI: that’s life. I hate when people are mad, and while I understand his frustration, it’s not ok to slam things… Breath, and figure it out.
so yup, I’m mad at him for handling his anger so poorly.”
Regardless of the emoticon, this is what you said.
In essence, you said: “Sorry, dude, that is just life, suck it up. And your anger is not a valid emotion, because I don’t like it. Get over it. You don’t know how to handle your emotions.”
Sorry, I’m not being judgmental or saying you are evil at all.
But you don’t sound very supportive of him, to me. It sounds like you think of him as an unruly toddler who needs a good scolding.
Edit: Also, in your last post you said his concern over what came in the mail is “petty.” Wow. Petty? Really? I think his being upset was completely normal considering how much bad news he got all at once.
Post # 13
@Sunfire: That’s true, I kind of think “suck it up” because we’re fine. I know getting unexpected bills suck, but it’s just bills.. So no, to me it’s not worth getting mad over.
Am I being supportive? no, probably not. Could I learn to be more supportive of things I don’t understand? yup, most definitively.
I asked FI: Do you think I’m supportive? Him: Yes, I think you are VERY supportive.
Then I showed FI this thread, he’s loving it. His word: “Yeah, all the girls getting my back, haha”
Post # 14
@kmsw: Very cool. At least he knows when you’re on the Bee there isn’t any man-bashing going on, lol.
Post # 15
I understand how you feel when he gets angry. I think what bothers me about when my FI gets mad is NOT what he’s mad about, it’s how he handles the anger.. My FI likes to slam things and yell and it makes me feel uncomfortable. I mean he slams things hard enough that I’m worried he’s going to break his hand!!! He doesn’t get angry like this too often.. maybe once or twice a year but it still makes me uncomfortable in the way he handles that anger
BUT with that being said..; I normally just leave the room and let him figure it out. I’ve learned from experience, he does not want anyone to hug him or ask him what’s wrong.. lol he just wants to throw or slam something. lol
Post # 16
I hear him on that, I seriously DESPISE mail. When you’re a kid the only time you get mail is for fun stuff, like your magazine came in, or grandma sent you a birthday card. Now it’s all excise taxes and bills.
I just got an excise tax bill from a state I lived in 3 freakin years ago informing me that they were taking me to court unless I paid. I thought it had been taken care of but apparently not! Writing that check really sucked, and I threw a tantrum over it, but it’s life. We get get mad, we move on. It’s ok to get mad about shitty things. As long as he’s not taking it out on you, let him whine.