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I am SO upset right now. FI has this female friend who he has known for several years. I knew that he used to hang out with her a lot right before we met, because they both have daughters who are the same age. So I just assumed they got together for play dates for the girls. We invited her to our wedding and she has already RSVP'd yes, with no date. She has been leaving him Facebook wall posts about how excited she is for his wedding.
Well tonight we started talking about all our friends who are coming to our wedding, and he mentioned this girl and that he hasn't seen her in a long time. He said that another one of his friends who is attending always had a crush on her. Very jokingly, I asked him if HE ever had a crush on her. And he tells me that they were "more than friends" for a brief period, which happened to be RIGHT before he met me. I was kinda shocked by this, and said, "But you never slept with her, right?!" And he tells me that he did. Basically, they were f-buddies for a while right before we met.
At this point, I kinda freaked out. There is NO WAY I'm going to have my husband's former f-buddy at my wedding. I can't even imagine that. What makes it even worse is that I literally spent WEEKS debating if I should invite one of my very close guy friends who I very briefly dated (but never even hooked up with) TEN years ago. He has been a very dear friend ever since then, but I still wasn't sure if it would be appropriate. So back when we were first creating our guest list I had a big talk with FI about it and made sure that he was okay with me inviting my guy friend. Yet ALL ALONG he was inviting his very recent f-buddy and thinking that was cool?!
I am just so upset about this. We are already having ridiculous drama coming from his family, and this is just the icing on the cake. :(
NO NO! I would flip my shib if FI invited anyone like that! AND he'd be sleeping on the couch until further notice...
I completely understand why you're pissed. You have a right to be. I can't believe he didn't tell you about that, especially if you were concerned about someone else going on the guest list. However, it's not like you can uninvite her now. What's done is done and you should be the bigger person and forgive him for not thinking about your feelings in this situation, as long as he apologizes and admits that it was in bad taste not to discuss it with you. Besides, it's not like he'll be thinking about her that day anyway, if you think he will be, you've got a bigger problem than her being invited to the wedding.
NOT okay. i can understand that they are friends, but it is NOT okay that he "forgot" to tell you that detail about their former relationship. this is coming from someone who is inviting one of my best guy friends, we had a one night stand back in the day before FI and I dated, and i have been 100% honest with FI about it. because of this, he is okay with inviting my friend to our wedding. i would not condone guests of FI's that he failed to tell me their history on...
I totally understand why you freaked out. I honestly do. But, the thing I've learned about a guy's mentality is that they don't tell you what they want to hide. Meaning - even though, yes, they were f-buddies - she is not that person to him anymore. Obviously, he stopped being her f-buddy when you came into the picture and that topic had to have been broached (ie: it's over).
Now, I totally understand why you have expectations that he would give you the same run-down on guests and consideration for past involvement, etc. and why you would be upset and hurt that he didn't feel the same way.
I hope that through your conversation with him, he understands why having his former fling at the wedding would be upsetting.
I honestly don't think you have one little thing to worry about as far as loyalty is concerned, but I do understand why you wouldn't want her there.
The problem is - I'm not sure what you can do about it now. Unfortunately, you are the one who is going to have to decide how you'll react to it. Meaning - if you can get past it and just try to look beyond her, then more power to you. But, if you won't be able to, you'll need to figure out a way have FI univite her.
To clarify... It isn't that I don't trust him. I really, really do trust him completely. My main issue right now is that he doesn't understand WHY this is upsetting to me.
I just can't imagine standing there in front of all the wonderful people sharing our wedding day with us, then seeing this girl that he used to get naked with. I'll freely admit that I'm the overly-sensitive type, and I know this would affect me more than it might affect some other people. But my FI knows this about me. I'm not telling him to completely exclude this girl from his life, I just don't want her to be a part of our wedding day. :(
Hmm, well to answer the subject title question, yes I would be okay with this. On some level I don't even understand what possible connection you are drawing between a history of getting naked with someone and a marriage/wedding - I'm just, er... what is the connection?!
But I know other people do see a connection - your FI doesn't have to 'get' this on an emotional level in order to believe you that it's upsetting and try to fix it.
Personally I would be a lot more upset over someone he used to be in love with and never kissed, etc. Marriage/wedding to me is all about love and commitment and emotions so I don't see what the physical stuff has to do with it.
It wouldn't bother me, personally. I have invited an ex (we dated 15 years ago) because he is a person that was very important in my life, in continues to be to some extent. However, what would bother me about your situation is that you did not know the extent of their relationship before the invites were sent. I just think it's weird that you didn't know they used to hook up...and why did he decided to tell you NOW (I guess cause you asked). Honestly, I doubt you will even notice her or think about her on your wedding day...DON"T let it bother you or ruin your day!
I would not be okay with this. Here are my thoughts:
#1 You should have been told in advance what the previous relationship was and make an informed decision on inviting her based on that.
#2 How do you know that she doesn't still like your FI? What is her motivation for coming? Celebrating the two of you as a couple or celebrating your FI?
#3 Have you ever met her or hung out with her? My FI and I both agree that friends of the opposite sex should be friends of the "couple" not just my friend or his friend. We are getting married and becoming a unit together. Our friends should be comfortable with both of us.
#4 I would not want to have to look at a woman who had most recently slept with my FI before me on our wedding day.
Of course everyone has their own opinion but I agree with you completely. I would want to uninvite her. I wouldn't act crazy about it but you invited her when you didn't know that she had slept with your fiance. That, to me, makes a big difference.
It wouldn't bother me. When Fi and I got together, I didn't make him a list of people I've slept with in case he ever ran across them. I don't think your not knowing means anything. There will probably be people at our wedding he slept with and people that I did. I honestly don't remember.
I've been at weddings where I've previously dated the groom. I think it meant that our feelings were completely resolved for each other. There was nothing lingering to make being at their wedding uncomfortable.
I have to admit I would prob be PISSED and say no way she is not coming. But also I would be being a total hypocrite because I am inviting a guy that I hooked up a few times with when I was drunk. But it had been at least a year since I hooked up with him when I met FI. And I had no romantic feelings towards him.
I guess it really depends on the relationship they had. If it was only drunken hook-ups I would be more ok with it. If they had any type of romantic relationship I would not be ok with it.
I think he probably doesn't understand why you are upset because she DOESN"T mean anythng to him. But, I have to say I wouldn't like it either.
Honestly, it wouldn't bother me. In some ways inviting her to his wedding, of all things, says that he is absolutely 100% over whatever relationship they had. If he was meeting her secretly for drinks or something that's another story.
That said, it obviously bothers you, and that's the important thing here. I just don't know what you can do about it at this point. She's invited, she's said yes, she's commented on the fact that she's excited. You could un-invite her but you'd have to be prepared to create some drama and maybe have people talking about the fact that you did this. There's nothing you can do too keep her from blabbing it to the world, after all, and she may be pretty hurt and upset.
Maybe try thinking of her not as The Woman Who Slept With My FI, but just as a person. She's a mom, she probably works, has other friends, etc. Try seeing her from that angle, and maybe seat her at the singles table, hopefully all of that will help.
If it's going to make you upset and uncomfortable at the wedding - I would ask FI to uninvite her and explain the situation. Any normal girl would understand. I have been invited to ex-BF' weddings before and have declined because I thought it would make the fiancee uncomfortable. Guys are just dumb sometimes.
yea, i totally get why you are upset since he didnt tell you their history... but i really dont think id be upset if they are friends now and thats it...
but you know if they were friends still wouldn't you have known about it? When DH and I were planning our wedding he was coming up with some weird invite reasons. I had to sit him down and explain that this is not the time for him to invite anyone and everyone he has ever come into contact with. Maybe he just was thinking the same thing? As far as uninviting her and her understnading, you would think that if they were just fbuddies should wouldn't have rsvpd yes, so I donno if she will be honkey dory with getting an un-invite.....
I would have been upset that I didn't know the background on this one too.
In general I wouldn't be upset about this. Mainly because they had this 'relationship' before he met you. But for whatever reason, it does creep me out...a lot - I think it is because they both had children when this was going on.
It wouldn't bother me. My man of honor is going to be my best friend, who was my high school sweetheart that I gave my v-card to. I think I'll also be inviting another guy friend of mine that I hooked up with in college. I think it would bother me that you specifically brought up the issue of inviting people you have hooked up with, and he didn't mention it then. I would tell him you're upset about that, but I don't think you can uninvite someone.
Ok, so they used to hook up. no big deal. But whu did he have to tell you NOW? Like, either before the invites or not at all, buddy. what's wrong with men?!
@Arachna: I feel that every relationship has an emotional aspect and a physical aspect. FI may have viewed his relationship with this girl as 98% physical and 2% emotional, and she may have viewed it as 50% physical and 50% emotional. I have no idea. Either way, there was still a relationship between them, and that is not something that I want to be reminded of on my wedding day.
@FutureMrs.M: No, I've never met her. FI hasn't even seen her in the 1.5 years since he met me. That doesn't seem like a very close friend, and certainly not someone I would want to invite to my wedding. (We agreed very early on that our guest list would be limited to family and very close friends.)
This is a big part of it for me... that I have no idea how SHE feels about him now, or how she felt about him in the past. He told me that he was never even really attracted to her, and I do believe him. But I think typically (not always) girls are more emotionally attached to guys they sleep with than the guys are. Especially when they were friends before. So that's what makes me feel icky about this. I don't want to have to be worrying about how she's going to act around him or me.
I would invite one of you ex boyfriends and see how he feels about it. :)
Childish? Yes. But if my husband did something like this and couldn't dig deep into his soul to understand why it was upsetting, I wouldn't be marrying him.
Youre in a tough position because you don't want to be that girl who makes your husband uninvite someone. He should do it himself. Have you sat down and wrote him an email why it makes you uncomfortable? Sometimes I've found my husband and I communicate better that way.
My FI's ex-girlfriend who he dated for 3 or 4 years (2 years in high school and nearly 2 in college) is coming to our wedding.
Oh, yeah, and she's baking our cake.
I'm not friends with any of my exes so it's not an issue for me, but I think it'd be fine.
I'm guessing she's an adult and she's moved on. I realize that it's really hard for us, because we feel like our FIs are the greatest men on earth and we can't imagine somebody getting over them, but really, she probably has. If she hadn't, you would have seen her in the time you've been together. Or she would call him all the time.
But I say you are well within your rights to say "no" to somebody you've never met coming to the wedding. But she's already RSVP'd and is excited? She's happy for him. I'm guessing there is a reason they didn't actually get together, but she cares for him and is glad that he's happy!
I really wouldn't worry about how she acts around you or him on the day of your wedding. If she starts getting out of hand there'll be lots of family and friends there and I'm sure one of them will step in and put her in her place.
But maybe that's just my point of view. Personally I would be more angry with FH about not telling me this detail - even if he had just forgotten. It just feels like too big a detail to forget. But I'm sure it's innocent and, even though it's hard for you, they are friends now and your FH has the right to have his friend there. Look at it this way - he didn't ask her to be in his side of the wedding party right? So she's just another member of the congregation. Admittedly with a history but try not to let yourself dwell on it. You may meet her and think she's lovely.
Oh boy. He shoulda a) not invited her-how close are they now? b) told you upfront about their sexual relationship c) not said anything about the sexual nature of their "relationship". <----I realize that one's not gonna be popular. I invited only 1 ex-boyfriend, who I dated 11 years before the wedding. We did have an intimate relationship, but have been friends for so much longer than we dated. My husband was mostly OK with this as he likes this guy too (my ex is getting married in the fall, but was not engaged at the time of our wedding). If hubs had felt strongly about not inviting my ex (I didn't invite the guy I left for my husband with whom I had a 7 yr relationship), I wouldn't have, but I was honest about our relationship from the word go. Maybe your FI didn't realize this was such a big deal (I don't see how, but he is a guy.) At this stage of the game, I can't see how you can uninvite her without seeming very rude. You might just have to if you're going to let it ruin your day. Just try to put it out of your mind and ask FI not to dance with her for instance. I am sorry -this sucks, but remember, you "won" -he's marrying YOU; he just hooked up with HER.
I think your anger is justified but misdirected.
What I think you are really mad about is that you didn't know your fiance and you had such different opinions about what role a person can play in your life if you previously had romantic feelings and/or a physical relationship with them. You agonized over inviting someone who you had feelings for 10 years ago and is a dear friend to you; you even had a heart-to-heart with your fiance over the appropriateness of his invitation. Meanwhile he invited someone he slept with without so much as a word to you about it. Now you feel upset because your sacrifice is so disproportionate to his and you made it without realizing the discrepancy.
This is really a communication issue. You and your fiance disagree, and I think you'll have to talk and find some middle ground. That might mean you cut your fiance some slack. Your fiance probably didn't tell you this to avoid making you upset. I'd guess that his history is, well, ancient history to him, not relevant to what their relationship is today. Their current behavior would seem to support this, as you were fine with inviting her until you knew. Likewise, your fiance has got to try to see this from your viewpoint too. Your lengthy discussion over inviting your male friend should have been a giant flag that this issue is important to you, and he shouldn't have held out on you so long. Personally, I would err toward treating people based on their current behavior, not on what happened years ago before you even knew each other. Good luck and I hope it works out.
@Arachna: im with you - i think its just fine to invite her, the reason to be pissed is that he didnt tell you since you made such a big deal of explaining about your Ex from back in the day.
but then again, if its over its over. so why worry?? now if shes some heifer whos trying to steal your man or is mean to you or something, thats one thing, but if shes nice then i dont see a problem.
LOL, I am a terrible judge at this. Not only are most of my serious ex boyfriends now close friends of mine who will be in attendance....But, my first ex-fiancee ran off with another woman and got married and, well, she didn't know about me when it happened so I had no reason to resent her - in an odd twist of fate she and I wound up friends and the two of them are now divorced. She will be one of my bridesmaids and he will be e a guest. Before my FI admitted he liked me he was just a guy friend who, of all things, third wheeled on Dates with me. LMAO, so really, I'm so over feeling "ackward".... My social life is like the Hotel California. People check out, but they never leave. So, why not just have everyone at my big party. Hehehee....I know all this sounds like drama but it all reality, its not... Its just a big, flawed group of people who I love and who love me and its all that matters...
It certainly depends entirely on BOTH of your comfortability with the situation, but the fact that you weren't aware of it, can be hurtful, no doubt.
However, not only have both my FH and I invited people we used to date and are still friends with, but his ex-gf is moving in with us a week before we get married (so that we can start saving money for a house). I knew before I even met her that she was an ex that he was still friends with. in the first month or so of our engagement she had a crisis that she called him to respond to, and I told him I didn't think he was the appropriate person to respond - but it was up to him. He told her that he couldn't help and that perhaps she could be more aware of how his life has changed now that he is engaged. No problems what so ever with her since - and she's turned out to be a good friend for me, too.
Honesty can save a lot of the heartache involved in this sort of situation - but remembering that he is marrying you and vice versa, should be a clear indication of where his heart is.
Hey, if its only family and close friends she shouln't be coming, especially ifyou've never met her. I totally understand where you're coming from.
I know it's poor ettiquette, but if this is going to affect your happiness on you wedding day perhaps its best she doesn't come. It's not fair on you, when the invtes went out you understood her to be a friend.
I don't think you need to worry though, hes no seen her in 18 months and obviously didn't think she was important enough to mention it.
Good luck x
Its your wedding and you can uninvite anyone you want! A good rule of thumb: if you've slept with the groom before your not invited. She'll understand and if she doesn't who cares!
I understand why you're upset, but I'd have no issues with her attendance personally. The fact that he neglected to inform you of their prior relationship I think is an issue so at least you could've been aware and have discussed your feelings with FI prior to her being invited. Obviously, he is there to marry you, and I'm sure the f-buddy girl will be the last thing on his mind.
On another note, FI is friends still with the friend of his who introduced us that was my f-buddy for a few months prior to getting together with FI, and he is totally ok with it. Whether or not you can handle it depends on the kind of person you are, IMO.
I agree with you completely; she should not be on your wedding guest list. I think that under the circumstances she should not have accepted the invitation, but that is hindsight. The invitation has been extended and accepted.
Your FH needs to account for his actions and explain to her (in front of you, as a couple) that he was not completely honest with YOU when he invited her. Hopefully she will understand and choose not to attend. This is the man you will spend the rest of your life with - honesty is key.
Here's a suggestion for the phone call that must be made immediately: "XXX, hi, this is XXX. When I invited you to OUR wedding, I was not completely honest with my financee. She did not know that we were more than friends just before I met HER MY FUTURE WIFE, and under the circumstances, and because I love her, I think it would be best for all if you didn't attend."
UGH (little puff of smoke above my head).
One of the members of my wedding party and I used to have a friends with benefits kind of relationship. However, we were friends first and remain good friends to this day. FI knows about our past and has even hung out with this guy and they like each other. I gues I understand that it'S kind of weird to think about the fact that this woman has seen your future husband naked but I'm sure she's not the only one and I believe adults can be friends even if they were intimate at some point, possibly even more so because of the past.
@chelseamorning: Great post!
@OP: Since she's already on the guest list, there really isn't a whole lot you can do about it, regardless of how it makes you feel. It's a sucky situation, but hopefully FI understands your sensitivity about it and will be more careful about those situations in the future.
I went to a wedding where I, a good friend of mine, and the groom's first girlfriend were all there. The 1st girlfriend was even a groomswoman. At my wedding, I'll have the groom of that wedding there and, possibly, one of the band members. Both I actually dated meaning that it was more than buddies. McGroom invited an ex whom he lived with for years and wanted going to marry, but she can't make it.
It doesn't bother us because that was the past. We are the future. Just because we dated someone doesn't mean that our friendship is any less meaningful. Obviously, we're dated for a reason and now, we gained a friendship from it.
As long as there's trust, who someone is friends with now doesn't really matter.
Not cool. Not for him to invite the bootay call, and not cool for her to want to come-let alone, come. In any case... She probably wants to show up, desperately, in her hot pink tube top dress and sip wine. Who cares. Let her. He left her in the dust. He is MARRYING you. He LOVES you. It will be very big of you to smile at her and shake her hand.
The last thing you want is for her to think she came between you and or caused problems. As much as I personally would want to pick up the phone, and in a very Impolite way, un-invite her butt, I would refrain. There is nothing worse than another woman, thinking she has an affect on your healthy relationship..
Ask him WHY he invited her-- in a calm way--- to avoid him getting the chance to wiggle his way out of a tough question. My guess is he did it to make you jealous. Which is childish-immature--and silly, but, it is human nature. Perhaps you brought up inviting your former flame, prior to him inviting his former bimbo, and he wanted to "get back at you"? Boys will be boys...
In any case, the most important case.. He is no longer with her. He ditched her.
He loves you, is marrying you, and that's the end of her story with him.
Try not to get upset by this. The engagement process is a very emotional time, and try not to let her get to you.
HuGS
I don't get WHY she was invited in the first place. Did you and FI not go over the guest list together before the invitations went out? Admittedly, he hasn't seen her in years, and you have never even met her- she clearly hasn't been part of his life or yours, so I am confused as to why she even made the guest list. Normally you only invite people to your wedding who are part of your life in some capacity, and your FI's ex f-buddy doesn't seem to fit the bill (especially when you didn't even KNOW that's the type of relationship he had with her!).
I totally understand why you're upset and would feel the same way. Even if your FI was ridiculous enough to invite her, SHE shouldn't WANT to come- it's weird. And honestly, we all KNOW how WOMEN are. If this girl, who has not been part of his life for years, who he used to have a purely sexual relationship with, is going to attend his wedding, without a date- she's either lookin' to stir the pot, or lookin' to hook up with one of his friends. Sorry, that's what I think. Most women are not that pure of heart. I think she has other intentions.
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