(Closed) FI invited the girl he used to hook up with… would you be okay with this?!?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

NO! I can’t believe he would even bring it up!

Post # 4
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

NO NO!  I would flip my shib if Fiance invited anyone like that! AND he’d be sleeping on the couch until further notice…

Post # 5
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I completely understand why you’re pissed.  You have a right to be.  I can’t believe he didn’t tell you about that, especially if you were concerned about someone else going on the guest list.  However, it’s not like you can uninvite her now.  What’s done is done and you should be the bigger person and forgive him for not thinking about your feelings in this situation, as long as he apologizes and admits that it was in bad taste not to discuss it with you.  Besides, it’s not like he’ll be thinking about her that day anyway, if you think he will be, you’ve got a bigger problem than her being invited to the wedding. 

Post # 6
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

NOT okay. i can understand that they are friends, but it is NOT okay that he “forgot” to tell you that detail about their former relationship. this is coming from someone who is inviting one of my best guy friends, we had a one night stand back in the day before Fiance and I dated, and i have been 100% honest with Fiance about it. because of this, he is okay with inviting my friend to our wedding. i would not condone guests of FI’s that he failed to tell me their history on…

Post # 7
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I think it’s totally okay to invite her but totally not okay not to tell you.

Post # 8
7174 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I totally understand why you freaked out.  I honestly do.  But, the thing I’ve learned about a guy’s mentality is that they don’t tell you what they want to hide.  Meaning – even though, yes, they were f-buddies – she is not that person to him anymore.  Obviously, he stopped being her f-buddy when you came into the picture and that topic had to have been broached (ie: it’s over).

Now, I totally understand why you have expectations that he would give you the same run-down on guests and consideration for past involvement, etc. and why you would be upset and hurt that he didn’t feel the same way.  

I hope that through your conversation with him, he understands why having his former fling at the wedding would be upsetting.

I honestly don’t think you have one little thing to worry about as far as loyalty is concerned, but I do understand why you wouldn’t want her there.

The problem is – I’m not sure what you can do about it now.  Unfortunately, you are the one who is going to have to decide how you’ll react to it.  Meaning – if you can get past it and just try to look beyond her, then more power to you.  But, if you won’t be able to, you’ll need to figure out a way have Fiance univite her.

Post # 10
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Hmm, well to answer the subject title question, yes I would be okay with this.  On some level I don’t even understand what possible connection you are drawing between a history of getting naked with someone and a marriage/wedding – I’m just, er… what is the connection?!

But I know other people do see a connection – your Fiance doesn’t have to ‘get’ this on an emotional level in order to believe you that it’s upsetting and try to fix it.

Personally I would be a lot more upset over someone he used to be in love with and never kissed, etc.  Marriage/wedding to me is all about love and commitment and emotions so I don’t see what the physical stuff has to do with it.  

Post # 11
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

It wouldn’t bother me, personally.  I have invited an ex (we dated 15 years ago) because he is a person that was very important in my life, in continues to be to some extent.  However, what would bother me about your situation is that you did not know the extent of their relationship before the invites were sent.  I just think it’s weird that you didn’t know they used to hook up…and why did he decided to tell you NOW (I guess cause you asked).   Honestly, I doubt you will even notice her or think about her on your wedding day…DON”T let it bother you or ruin your day! 

Post # 12
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would not be okay with this.  Here are my thoughts:

#1 You should have been told in advance what the previous relationship was and make an informed decision on inviting her based on that.

#2 How do you know that she doesn’t still like your FI?  What is her motivation for coming?  Celebrating the two of you as a couple or celebrating your FI?

#3 Have you ever met her or hung out with her?  My Fiance and I both agree that friends of the opposite sex should be friends of the “couple” not just my friend or his friend.  We are getting married and becoming a unit together.  Our friends should be comfortable with both of us.

#4  I would not want to have to look at a woman who had most recently slept with my Fiance before me on our wedding day.

Of course everyone has their own opinion but I agree with you completely.  I would want to uninvite her.  I wouldn’t act crazy about it but you invited her when you didn’t know that she had slept with your fiance.  That, to me, makes a big difference.

Post # 13
722 posts
Busy bee

It wouldn’t bother me. When Fi and I got together, I didn’t make him a list of people I’ve slept with in case he ever ran across them. I don’t think your not knowing means anything. There will probably be people at our wedding he  slept with and people that I did. I honestly don’t remember.

I’ve been at weddings where I’ve previously dated the groom. I think it meant that our feelings were completely resolved for each other. There was nothing lingering to make being at their wedding uncomfortable.

Post # 14
3219 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I have to admit I would prob be PISSED and say no way she is not coming. But also I would be being a total hypocrite because I am inviting a guy that I hooked up a few times with when I was drunk. But it had been at least a year since I hooked up with him when I met Fiance.  And I had no romantic feelings towards him.

I guess it really depends on the relationship they had. If it was only drunken hook-ups I would be more ok with it. If they had any type of romantic relationship I would not be ok with it.

Post # 15
435 posts
Helper bee

I think he probably doesn’t understand why you are upset because she DOESN”T mean anythng to him.  But, I have to say I wouldn’t like it either.

Post # 16
377 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Honestly, it wouldn’t bother me. In some ways inviting her to his wedding, of all things, says that he is absolutely 100% over whatever relationship they had. If he was meeting her secretly for drinks or something that’s another story.

That said, it obviously bothers you, and that’s the important thing here. I just don’t know what you can do about it at this point. She’s invited, she’s said yes, she’s commented on the fact that she’s excited. You could un-invite her but you’d have to be prepared to create some drama and maybe have people talking about the fact that you did this. There’s nothing you can do too keep her from blabbing it to the world, after all, and she may be pretty hurt and upset.

Maybe try thinking of her not as The Woman Who Slept With My Fiance, but just as a person. She’s a mom, she probably works, has other friends, etc. Try seeing her from that angle, and maybe seat her at the singles table, hopefully all of that will help.


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