Post # 1
I am SO upset right now. Fiance has this female friend who he has known for several years. I knew that he used to hang out with her a lot right before we met, because they both have daughters who are the same age. So I just assumed they got together for play dates for the girls. We invited her to our wedding and she has already RSVP’d yes, with no date. She has been leaving him Facebook wall posts about how excited she is for his wedding.
Well tonight we started talking about all our friends who are coming to our wedding, and he mentioned this girl and that he hasn’t seen her in a long time. He said that another one of his friends who is attending always had a crush on her. Very jokingly, I asked him if HE ever had a crush on her. And he tells me that they were “more than friends” for a brief period, which happened to be RIGHT before he met me. I was kinda shocked by this, and said, “But you never slept with her, right?!” And he tells me that he did. Basically, they were f-buddies for a while right before we met.
At this point, I kinda freaked out. There is NO WAY I’m going to have my husband’s former f-buddy at my wedding. I can’t even imagine that. What makes it even worse is that I literally spent WEEKS debating if I should invite one of my very close guy friends who I very briefly dated (but never even hooked up with) TEN years ago. He has been a very dear friend ever since then, but I still wasn’t sure if it would be appropriate. So back when we were first creating our guest list I had a big talk with Fiance about it and made sure that he was okay with me inviting my guy friend. Yet ALL ALONG he was inviting his very recent f-buddy and thinking that was cool?!
I am just so upset about this. We are already having ridiculous drama coming from his family, and this is just the icing on the cake. 🙁
Post # 3
NO! I can’t believe he would even bring it up!
Post # 4
NO NO! I would flip my shib if Fiance invited anyone like that! AND he’d be sleeping on the couch until further notice…
Post # 5
I completely understand why you’re pissed. You have a right to be. I can’t believe he didn’t tell you about that, especially if you were concerned about someone else going on the guest list. However, it’s not like you can uninvite her now. What’s done is done and you should be the bigger person and forgive him for not thinking about your feelings in this situation, as long as he apologizes and admits that it was in bad taste not to discuss it with you. Besides, it’s not like he’ll be thinking about her that day anyway, if you think he will be, you’ve got a bigger problem than her being invited to the wedding.
Post # 6
NOT okay. i can understand that they are friends, but it is NOT okay that he “forgot” to tell you that detail about their former relationship. this is coming from someone who is inviting one of my best guy friends, we had a one night stand back in the day before Fiance and I dated, and i have been 100% honest with Fiance about it. because of this, he is okay with inviting my friend to our wedding. i would not condone guests of FI’s that he failed to tell me their history on…
Post # 7
I think it’s totally okay to invite her but totally not okay not to tell you.
Post # 8
I totally understand why you freaked out. I honestly do. But, the thing I’ve learned about a guy’s mentality is that they don’t tell you what they want to hide. Meaning – even though, yes, they were f-buddies – she is not that person to him anymore. Obviously, he stopped being her f-buddy when you came into the picture and that topic had to have been broached (ie: it’s over).
Now, I totally understand why you have expectations that he would give you the same run-down on guests and consideration for past involvement, etc. and why you would be upset and hurt that he didn’t feel the same way.
I hope that through your conversation with him, he understands why having his former fling at the wedding would be upsetting.
I honestly don’t think you have one little thing to worry about as far as loyalty is concerned, but I do understand why you wouldn’t want her there.
The problem is – I’m not sure what you can do about it now. Unfortunately, you are the one who is going to have to decide how you’ll react to it. Meaning – if you can get past it and just try to look beyond her, then more power to you. But, if you won’t be able to, you’ll need to figure out a way have Fiance univite her.
Post # 9
To clarify… It isn’t that I don’t trust him. I really, really do trust him completely. My main issue right now is that he doesn’t understand WHY this is upsetting to me.
I just can’t imagine standing there in front of all the wonderful people sharing our wedding day with us, then seeing this girl that he used to get naked with. I’ll freely admit that I’m the overly-sensitive type, and I know this would affect me more than it might affect some other people. But my Fiance knows this about me. I’m not telling him to completely exclude this girl from his life, I just don’t want her to be a part of our wedding day. 🙁
Post # 10
Hmm, well to answer the subject title question, yes I would be okay with this. On some level I don’t even understand what possible connection you are drawing between a history of getting naked with someone and a marriage/wedding – I’m just, er… what is the connection?!
But I know other people do see a connection – your Fiance doesn’t have to ‘get’ this on an emotional level in order to believe you that it’s upsetting and try to fix it.
Personally I would be a lot more upset over someone he used to be in love with and never kissed, etc. Marriage/wedding to me is all about love and commitment and emotions so I don’t see what the physical stuff has to do with it.
Post # 11
It wouldn’t bother me, personally. I have invited an ex (we dated 15 years ago) because he is a person that was very important in my life, in continues to be to some extent. However, what would bother me about your situation is that you did not know the extent of their relationship before the invites were sent. I just think it’s weird that you didn’t know they used to hook up…and why did he decided to tell you NOW (I guess cause you asked). Honestly, I doubt you will even notice her or think about her on your wedding day…DON”T let it bother you or ruin your day!
Post # 12
I would not be okay with this. Here are my thoughts:
#1 You should have been told in advance what the previous relationship was and make an informed decision on inviting her based on that.
#2 How do you know that she doesn’t still like your FI? What is her motivation for coming? Celebrating the two of you as a couple or celebrating your FI?
#3 Have you ever met her or hung out with her? My Fiance and I both agree that friends of the opposite sex should be friends of the “couple” not just my friend or his friend. We are getting married and becoming a unit together. Our friends should be comfortable with both of us.
#4 I would not want to have to look at a woman who had most recently slept with my Fiance before me on our wedding day.
Of course everyone has their own opinion but I agree with you completely. I would want to uninvite her. I wouldn’t act crazy about it but you invited her when you didn’t know that she had slept with your fiance. That, to me, makes a big difference.
Post # 13
It wouldn’t bother me. When Fi and I got together, I didn’t make him a list of people I’ve slept with in case he ever ran across them. I don’t think your not knowing means anything. There will probably be people at our wedding he slept with and people that I did. I honestly don’t remember.
I’ve been at weddings where I’ve previously dated the groom. I think it meant that our feelings were completely resolved for each other. There was nothing lingering to make being at their wedding uncomfortable.
Post # 14
I have to admit I would prob be PISSED and say no way she is not coming. But also I would be being a total hypocrite because I am inviting a guy that I hooked up a few times with when I was drunk. But it had been at least a year since I hooked up with him when I met Fiance. And I had no romantic feelings towards him.
I guess it really depends on the relationship they had. If it was only drunken hook-ups I would be more ok with it. If they had any type of romantic relationship I would not be ok with it.
Post # 15
I think he probably doesn’t understand why you are upset because she DOESN”T mean anythng to him. But, I have to say I wouldn’t like it either.
Post # 16
Honestly, it wouldn’t bother me. In some ways inviting her to his wedding, of all things, says that he is absolutely 100% over whatever relationship they had. If he was meeting her secretly for drinks or something that’s another story.
That said, it obviously bothers you, and that’s the important thing here. I just don’t know what you can do about it at this point. She’s invited, she’s said yes, she’s commented on the fact that she’s excited. You could un-invite her but you’d have to be prepared to create some drama and maybe have people talking about the fact that you did this. There’s nothing you can do too keep her from blabbing it to the world, after all, and she may be pretty hurt and upset.
Maybe try thinking of her not as The Woman Who Slept With My Fiance, but just as a person. She’s a mom, she probably works, has other friends, etc. Try seeing her from that angle, and maybe seat her at the singles table, hopefully all of that will help.