Post # 1
My FI is having a night out for his birthday soon. It’s not a landmark birthday, he’s just inviting a few friends to a local pub for drinks. We are in a LDR, I was planning to go down to his city (200 miles away) for the night.
He’s just messaged me that he wants to invite two female friends that I’ve had problems with in the past….
Woman A: Wasn’t happy when FI and I got together, as she feels there is no such things as bisexuality and that my FI is ‘really’gay. She tried to cause trouble by telling me this to my face, and also spreading gossip that my FI had ‘cheated’ on his previous (male) partner. Basically she wasn’t happy that she no longer had a ‘gay’ friend to be at her beck and call.
Women B: Single mother of 3, FI used to babysit for her a lot. Also doesn’t believe there is such a thing as bisexuality, and that FI is ‘really’ gay. Wasn’t happy that FI was no longer available to babysit for her on demand when we started dating. Also a gossip spreader, and made up some pretty horrible lies about me, which she made the mistake of emailing to a mutual friend…who then forwarded the email to myself and FI.
Both these women were deleted from my Facebook etc years ago. I haven’t seen either of them since, and have no desire to. I’ve told FI that it’s up to him if he wants to be friends with them, but anyone who had acted the way they had wouldn’t be a friend of mine…
My initial reaction is that I’m pretty upset that he wants these two there that night. I’ve told him that I don’t want to see them.
Am I wrong?
Post # 2
Well, it’s his bday not yours. If he’s still friends with them then it makes sense for them to be there.
You said this happened years ago, so it’s quite possible that their initial reactions to you two dating is all under the bridge for your FI.
I get that it’s tough and you don’t like them, but these are his friends and if you two are going to be together you can’t tell him who he can and can’t be friends with.
Post # 3
Baal: I don’t think you’re “wrong” for feeling how you feel because you are entitled to feel however you want. However, I don’t think it’s up to you to decide who he can and can’t be friends with. Or who he invites to his birthday outing. You have made your feelings on the issue clear and it’s up to him to decide what he wants to do. Clearly you have won since he’s your fiance now and your relationship has flourished. So if I were you I would go and enjoy the night with him and just do my best to smile in their faces and be, at most, polite to them directly. You don’t have to be friends with these women, but if your FI is choosing to still have a relationship with them, you should at least respect that. I’m not a fan at all of telling a grown adult who they can and cannot associate with, even if these people arent’ people I would choose for myself.
Post # 4
I’m not telling him who he can be ‘friends’ with – but I can tell him that I don’t want to be around these two.
Just because he’s forgiven them for denying his bisexuality, and making out that our relationship is a sham doesn’t mean I have to.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
I think you are wrong. They are his friends, and it is his birthday shin-dig. You can put on a happy face for a few hours, you don’t even have to interact with them beyond a hello.
Post # 6
While it does suck that he chooses to continue being friends with them, that is just it “he chooses”. I understand disliking your fiance’s friends sometimes but it’s just the way it is. So my opinion would be suck it up and spend the night with them, you don’t have to be besties but you do have to tolerate them being there.
Post # 7
I can’t for the life of me figure out why he even wants to be friends with these woman, but whatever. Aside from that, all you can do is tell your fiance how you feel about them (which it sounds like you already have) and let him decide what to do.
Post # 8
- Wedding: December 2014 - Loft
Baal: Life is too short to be walking around carrying grudges.
Post # 9
IzzyBear: Exactly how I feel. The lies they spread about us were vile. According to them, I was:
1. cheating on FI with my ex husband
2. having threesomes with my ex and his new girlfriend
3. stealing FI’s money.
4. beating him up to turn him ‘straight’, because he’s really ‘gay’ and in denial.
The absolute final straw for me was when I had a miscarriage in January 2012 and they told mutual friends that I ‘deserved’ to lose our baby.
I’m 46. I’m too old to feel like I have to forgive or be around anyone I don’t want to be.
Post # 10
Forget about right and wrong, think about your life as a married couple.
Are you comfortable with these women attending your wedding? Attending future birthdays? Seeing these women at parties? Having your husband associate them with or without you present? If you’re not ok with this, you need to speak now or forever hold your peace. Don’t spend your married life resentful just because you want to be nice or cool or whatever.
Edit: I don’t care if it makes you a “bitch” or “controlling”, I think you have a right to request a partner to drop friends if they’re toxic to your relationship.
Post # 11
canadajane: I have made it clear to my FI since January 2012 that these women are not welcome at any of the events that you’ve mentioned.
For the life of me, I can’t understand why he’s asked me about them attending this night. He said he doesn’t want the ‘flak’ if he doesn’t invite them…which translates as he doesn’t want mutual friends asking him why they aren’t there.
Post # 12
Baal: Anyone who says you deserved to lose your baby should not be anywhere near you. I absolutely cannot fathom why your FI speaks to them still after that was said.
Post # 13
Baal: while no you can’t dictate who your FI’s friends are, I would be hurt that my other half was choosing to remin friends with these women after the hurt they caused me. It’s not like they were kinda mean to you or smth silly they were straight up nasty. My happiness is the most important thing to my FI and he would never WANT to remain friends with anyone that tries tI Hurt me let alone our relationship. Honestly it’s on him to man up and defend you and your relationship and I would be upset too if I felt like he wasn’t making me a priority. I think it’s time for an honest convo, if he knows all the stuff these women did and still wants to be around them is that the kind of guy you want to marry?!?
Post # 14
I would not be okay with my SO maintaining a friendship with people who treated me that way. Its one thing to not like his friends and suck it up but I think if they have been disrespectful toward you they should not be invited. The fact he even wants to invite them would be a problem for me.
Post # 15
stronger-now1: I don’t understand it either. I think it is because we have quite a few mutual friends and he’s already had comments about why they aren’t at our events.
When I’m asked, I’ve always replied ‘I don’t have contact with that person’, and that’s it. FI seems to feel like he needs to explain why.