FI is adamant that no family attends wedding

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
1896 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@FutureDrAtkins:  Having your mom at your wedding isn’t an unreasonable request.  I personally think that requiring your mom NOT attend is unreasonable.  That’s your choice— just like having or not having HIS mom should be his choice.  I firmly believe that my FI is responsible for all his family drama, and I’m responsible for mine, and never vice versa.  To make a decision about his that impacts your is not fair.  I don’t have any great advice because I can’t tell you how to make him stop being unreasonable and lashing out when you bring it up.   I guess my best recommendation is to tell him it means the world to you, and to your mom, in a very calm and heartfelt way.  Let him know that she’s the only guest you actually care about.

Also, I’ve always liked the quote an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. It’s supposed to be about revenge, but I see it applying here too. If you disinvite your mom because he disinvited his mom, that doesn’t make anything better for your situation. It just makes it so much harder for you.  HUGS!!!

Post # 5
Member
5460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I really don’t see why you can’t have your mom there without his mom.  Like, ONLY invite your mother… no one else.  No other moms, grandparents, siblings, whatever.  JUST your mom.

Post # 6
Member
6525 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

@FutureDrAtkins:  Its important for your mom to be there. its no ones fault that his mom is a psycho.

You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk with him about your mom coming. I would be upset too, and its such a sensitive topic bc your dad passed away, and I can relate to that 100%

Worst case scenario, both moms just come. Would Grandma from FI’s side keep her in check possibly? Is this something that you can talk to his grandmother about?

Post # 7
Member
1190 posts
Bumble bee

@FutureDrAtkins:  I know this might not be in the cards for you guys- but can you two just go somewhere and elope without anyone knowing? This wedding sounds like a hot mess (no offense) and that’s probably what I would do if I couldn’t have it my ideal way. 

Post # 10
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

I would refuse to get married without my parents there and would be furious at him for suggesting it. It’s not fair to punish your mom for his moms mistakes. Sure she may be heartbroken but she’s the one who’s messed up. Your mom shouldn’t have to be heartbroken because of that. 

Post # 11
Member
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If FMIL was like that we would have no problem just excluding her, we shouldn’t have to exclude all guests and suffer because someone didn’t know how to behave – and neither should you.

If she is clearly going to go nuts over his fathers FI then you can always just tell him that she is not invited – that because of certain issues you request that only parents attend, if he knows her then he should understand. Worst case scenario there is that he chooses not to attend but the rest of your families can still be there.

Post # 12
Member
1843 posts
Buzzing bee

@FutureDrAtkins:  ouch. Seems like one of those very ugly issues to deal with. :-/ Sorry you are dealing with it. I understand his feelings but it is completely unfair that because his mom’s issues, you and your family have to pay for it  🙁 . I would not be ok with this and would stand my ground because as much as I understand where he is coming from and what he doesn’t want, I’d expect him to understand my wishes of having at least mom there.

 

As someone with a bipolar and at times psychotic sister, I do understand and feel for him. However, he needs to address a way to handle his family without interfering in the way you interact with yours. This is key my friend… As you are starting your family together and there will be many situations along the road.

 

I really hope you get to have your mom in your wedding. Hugs

 

Post # 13
Member
808 posts
Busy bee

@FutureDrAtkins:  Given that you want your mom there, and your mom wants to be their, it seems to be incredibly unfair to make you & your mom unhappy because of HIS mom’s behaviour. After all, he doesn’t want his mom ‘heartbroken’, why should your mom have to be heartbroken instead?! Sorry that you find yourself in this situation, I hope you manage to come to a solution.

Post # 14
Member
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@FutureDrAtkins:  Your FI is being unreasonable. If my FI did something like that, I would not get married until we’ve had some serious pre-martial counseling.

Post # 15
Member
889 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh man…what a tough situation. I feel like you deserve to have your Mother there on your big day, of course! Isn’t there any way that he could make his Mum promise to NOT DRINK that day until she is loooooong gone from there? This way, she’d be able to see/tolerate his father there with his GF…. maybe start there and see where it goes. If his Mother refuses, then he can tell her she’s not invited and everyone else is….leave the choice UP TO HER. Have her be responsible for her own bad behavior.!!!!!

 

ETA: If his Mum is unsure if she can act accordingly, she needs to bring an “escort” who will be equipped to deal with her outburst(s) and promptly remove her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 16
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I’m so sorry to hear this is happening 🙁 and, I’m sad that his mom is such a mess. I hope she gets help soon. I hope you guys come up with a resolution that makes you both happy!

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