Post # 1
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
Going to try and make this as short as possible…
So FMIL is a hot mess – a bipolar, manic, alcholoic who just lost her FI to cancer. She’s on a ton of meds – xanax, ambien, zoloft and drinks on them anyways. She ruined our Thanksgiving and xmas wasn’t that great either. Those could each be a lengthy post that I would rather not write.
Well because of this, FI doesn’t want his mom at our wedding (super small civil ceremony) because he thinks she’ll make a scene – but he’s extended it in that since his mom can’t come, she would be heartbroken if my mom got to come – so he doesn’t want any family at our wedding.
If we invite my mom, we have to invite his mom, if we invite his mom we have to invite his dad (then his dad would bring his new FI and FMIL would go f*cking nuts, for realzies), and if my mom comes then that means my brother comes so he’d bring his gf, and then my grandparents would have to be invited which means FI’s grandma comes too. So now our 6 person intimate, romantic ceremony that we’ve always dreamed of either blows up to include everyone, or no one at all.
I’ve asked if we can only invite the moms, but he said that he doesn’t want him mom there and if his mom comes she’ll 100% bring his grandma.
I’ve always dreamed of getting ready on my wedding day with my mom there – and I’m the only daughter. Add on top of that my dad somewhat recently passed away and my mom has no one but my brother and I.
I tried talking to FI about this daily and it just results in a fight. It’s literally the only “weird” thing about him/our relationship. I’m totally torn and don’t know what to do. I’ve cried over it, my mom’s pissed at me… ugh
Post # 3
@FutureDrAtkins: You know what I think 🙂
Post # 4
@FutureDrAtkins: Having your mom at your wedding isn’t an unreasonable request. I personally think that requiring your mom NOT attend is unreasonable. That’s your choice— just like having or not having HIS mom should be his choice. I firmly believe that my FI is responsible for all his family drama, and I’m responsible for mine, and never vice versa. To make a decision about his that impacts your is not fair. I don’t have any great advice because I can’t tell you how to make him stop being unreasonable and lashing out when you bring it up. I guess my best recommendation is to tell him it means the world to you, and to your mom, in a very calm and heartfelt way. Let him know that she’s the only guest you actually care about.
Also, I’ve always liked the quote an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. It’s supposed to be about revenge, but I see it applying here too. If you disinvite your mom because he disinvited his mom, that doesn’t make anything better for your situation. It just makes it so much harder for you. HUGS!!!
Post # 5
I really don’t see why you can’t have your mom there without his mom. Like, ONLY invite your mother… no one else. No other moms, grandparents, siblings, whatever. JUST your mom.
Post # 6
@FutureDrAtkins: Its important for your mom to be there. its no ones fault that his mom is a psycho.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious talk with him about your mom coming. I would be upset too, and its such a sensitive topic bc your dad passed away, and I can relate to that 100%
Worst case scenario, both moms just come. Would Grandma from FI’s side keep her in check possibly? Is this something that you can talk to his grandmother about?
Post # 7
@FutureDrAtkins: I know this might not be in the cards for you guys- but can you two just go somewhere and elope without anyone knowing? This wedding sounds like a hot mess (no offense) and that’s probably what I would do if I couldn’t have it my ideal way.
Post # 8
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
I’ve said JUST my mom too but he keeps saying no, when his mom sees my mom in pics she’ll flip out. I keep saying “My mom did nothing wrong here why is she getting punished.” And then he just says “NO family.” I told my officiant that I would “sneak” my mom in the day of and she had a fit about that — how it’s no way to start off a marriage by sneaking my mom in and lying about it. I just don’t understand why he can’t compromise on this. I am VERY family oriented and he’s just not, so he doesn’t get it.
Post # 9
@FutureDrAtkins: Why should your mother be punished for HIS mother’s craziness?
Post # 10
I would refuse to get married without my parents there and would be furious at him for suggesting it. It’s not fair to punish your mom for his moms mistakes. Sure she may be heartbroken but she’s the one who’s messed up. Your mom shouldn’t have to be heartbroken because of that.
Post # 11
If FMIL was like that we would have no problem just excluding her, we shouldn’t have to exclude all guests and suffer because someone didn’t know how to behave – and neither should you.
If she is clearly going to go nuts over his fathers FI then you can always just tell him that she is not invited – that because of certain issues you request that only parents attend, if he knows her then he should understand. Worst case scenario there is that he chooses not to attend but the rest of your families can still be there.
Post # 12
@FutureDrAtkins: ouch. Seems like one of those very ugly issues to deal with. :-/ Sorry you are dealing with it. I understand his feelings but it is completely unfair that because his mom’s issues, you and your family have to pay for it 🙁 . I would not be ok with this and would stand my ground because as much as I understand where he is coming from and what he doesn’t want, I’d expect him to understand my wishes of having at least mom there.
As someone with a bipolar and at times psychotic sister, I do understand and feel for him. However, he needs to address a way to handle his family without interfering in the way you interact with yours. This is key my friend… As you are starting your family together and there will be many situations along the road.
I really hope you get to have your mom in your wedding. Hugs
Post # 13
@FutureDrAtkins: Given that you want your mom there, and your mom wants to be their, it seems to be incredibly unfair to make you & your mom unhappy because of HIS mom’s behaviour. After all, he doesn’t want his mom ‘heartbroken’, why should your mom have to be heartbroken instead?! Sorry that you find yourself in this situation, I hope you manage to come to a solution.
Post # 14
@FutureDrAtkins: Your FI is being unreasonable. If my FI did something like that, I would not get married until we’ve had some serious pre-martial counseling.
Post # 15
Oh man…what a tough situation. I feel like you deserve to have your Mother there on your big day, of course! Isn’t there any way that he could make his Mum promise to NOT DRINK that day until she is loooooong gone from there? This way, she’d be able to see/tolerate his father there with his GF…. maybe start there and see where it goes. If his Mother refuses, then he can tell her she’s not invited and everyone else is….leave the choice UP TO HER. Have her be responsible for her own bad behavior.!!!!!
ETA: If his Mum is unsure if she can act accordingly, she needs to bring an “escort” who will be equipped to deal with her outburst(s) and promptly remove her.
Post # 16
I’m so sorry to hear this is happening 🙁 and, I’m sad that his mom is such a mess. I hope she gets help soon. I hope you guys come up with a resolution that makes you both happy!