Post # 1
So FI was out with the guys last night and ran into someone who was on our STD list. However, they (along with 25 other invitees) never got a STD because neither FI nor his mom bothered to get their address on time. So there is a stack of about 30 STDs that will go to waste because of laziness (= Reason I’m P.O.ed #1). When they asked him about it, he said he told them he’s “not in charge” and that hopefully I’d be calling them soon (= Reason I’m P.O.ed #2). This is especially amusing because I’ve never met them and have no idea who they are or what town they live in, so I can’t even look them up.So now when I do meet them, they’re going to think I’m a b*tch and didn’t send them a flipping STD. FI keeps telling me to remember that its not just my wedding, but he and his mom can’t do this one thing, that is more important than most other things.
I’m so ticked about this whole thing. FMIL and FI keep telling me that we need to get these people’s addresses, and when they say that I tell them to go ahead and do it! And MAN do I get the eye. I’m also ticked because we’re going to throw out 30 STDs and that means wasted money. Not cool. All because people were lazy.
This is really just a vent, I need to get calm before our family Christmas this evening. I’m so over getting people’s addresses on his side, since its not my responsibility, and I’m certainly not going to be doing any more in the address-collecting area, but I’m pissed that I take the blame. And breeeeaaathe…. 🙂
Post # 3
I agree- that’s totally not your responsibility! If I were you I’d make out a list of tasks for him and dates they were assigned and the dates they are due. Then you can just tell him to look at his task list, and he will see that it was completely his responsibility and it is his fault his friends didn’t get the STDs. Also keep a list of all the things you are doing to show him how much work is involved. I think a lot of the time people who aren’t actively planning the wedding forget/don’t realize exactly how much time and effort is involved.
Good luck and Merry Christmas!
Post # 4
Hey Jacqi, That’s an awesome idea to have a list so that he can see exactly how much is involved. I thought I made it as easy as possible by making a spreadsheet with First Name, Last Name, Address, City, State and Zip columns, and I filled in the name columns so that he knew exactly who needed to be contacted. Its been sitting on our coffee table, untouched, since the day I gave it to him and explain it. :-/ Oh well! Guess I might get the small wedding I wanted after all!
Post # 5
Oh man, they’re not being reasonable here. I agree that its not your responsibility. They are held accountable for their guests, that should be a given. I’m sorry they’re making things difficult. I am horrible because I’d be like, oh well! If they don’t get invited, its their fault! My FI keeps saying how helpful he’d like to be, but when I gave him a “grooms to-do list” he actually had the nerve to say, “omg, why is this so long?”. I wanted to gauge his eyes out. The freakin list basically said, get tux, get gift for groomsmen, tell best man his responsibilities, get haircut. How taxing is that? Really?
Anyway, if you can, let it go. Forget about those STD’s, hopefully he’ll realize he’s got to take care of them. Enjoy your holiday :o)
Post # 6
I totally agree! I was at first thinking that you did know who they were & you would be able to get their addresses – but since you’ve never even met these people you have NO way of getting their addresses?! Dang – FI needs to tighten up!!
He doesn’t need to make YOU look bad…he should’ve just said something like “not everyone got a STD because we didn’t have time to get all addresses” or something like that…I mean, it’s BOTH of yalls responsibility…not just yours!! And for him to put you down like that, that’s just wrong!
FI had to get some addresses for me and I did have to tell him a few times, but I asked him ahead of time and he was able to get them for me..apparently yours just felt he didn’t need to. That P.O.’s ME off!
I’m sorry girl! I would seriously either talk to you FI and tell him how it is…(which I’m sure you’ve already done), or get the ppl’s #’s from your FI for the addresses you didn’t get, and let them know what’s up! I’d fight right back. 🙂
Whatever you do – I hope it doesn’t make you look bad. This is a tuffy! Good luck girl!
Post # 7
Wow, your FI is definitely not being reasonable here. Did he ever actually agree to get the addresses? It sounds like he doesn’t even want to verbally accept the responsibility 🙁 I hope you can make him see the light and understand that getting HIS guests’ addresses is HIS job, not yours. Maybe show him a wedding planning book or something? This works with my FI sometimes – he might not listen to me, but if I show him some authoritative source, he’ll believe me.
PS If those guests have any sense, they won’t blame you for this – I don’t think many of them were expecting a random stranger to actually call them up for their addresses.
Post # 8
Thanks girls! I gave him the what-for last night after he told me he said that. Like I said, I’ve asked several times, and the list is sitting there, so if they don’t get invitations, it’s no skin off my teeth. It must be something he inherited from FMIL because it took her 8 months to get me a copy of their guest list, which was already put together from FSIL’s wedding a couple years ago… all they had to do was make a copy! And half of them were names with no addresses.
Thanks for cheering me up… I’ve reached the point where if their addresses aren’t here by the time we’re sending out invitations, I’m going to do the same thing as I’m doing now: give FI and FMIL a list of people and a stack of invites and say “Good luck. I did my part.”
Post # 9
@GirlwithaRing – he didn’t agree to get them, but I certainly can’t get them, so I made him the list and was hoping he would figure it out. Argh…
Post # 10
I got really frustrated with WG before coming up with a system that worked for us: about once a week I’d send him an email with an updated task list. There was usually an “OVERDUE” section, a “This week” section and a “This month” section, so he could see what was coming up. “Overdue” would be things like getting addresses, “This week” would usually be fairly small tasks like “Choose GM gifts.” The month tasks were bigger, like “research bands” or “get MIL started on her RD guest list.”
I’m not saying that our system has to work for everyone, but I do recommend having a system other than telling him things when you think of them – I was all wedding-brain all the time, but WG never remembered the squillion things I said at assorted times throughout the day – he needed them all in one place.
Post # 11
I was having the same problem getting name spelling and addresses from FMIL and FI. Finally, I just called FMIL one evening, when I knew she was home, and said, “Oh, I’m just calling to get those addresses from you.” And stayed on the phone while she read them all out to me.
I couldn’t handle just waiting (for over a month) for the addresses, and FI has man-brain and just doesn’t get that it’s important! Love him to death, he can kill spiders with the best of them, but no so much for sending STD’s!
Post # 12
I agree with worcesterbride‘s strategy. The way my fiance’s brain works, if I just tell him to do something, he’ll forget and it will never get done. But his intentions are good. So, we now keep a running list – written down – of wedding tasks that need to be completed, organized by due date. And if something is solely his responsibility, I make sure he knows that. This also keeps the “But it’s soooooooo much to do” whining to a minimum, since he sees that my list is about 28971 times longer than his.
In regards to your original complaint – if I were a friend of the groom and I had never gotten a STD and he was all “I’m not in charge of getting addresses”, I would assume that he was full of crap and had failed to give my address to his fiancee. I most definitely would NOT assume that his fiancee was a b*tch. Really, there’s only so much that the bride can do in regards to the groom’s side of things.
Post # 13
Ok girls, I am taking your awesome advice and made a to-do list of every small detailed task I can think of. I color coded items by responsibility: both, me and him. Here’s the count:
Both: 51 Me: 50 Him: 10
Yeah. That’s about what I thought. Thanks for all the awesome advice!
Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays!
Post # 14
haha that would make me have a melt down and do the list thing. I’m very grateful that my husband was 50/50 on everything. I could not have planned it alone, and i wouldn’t have wanted to – I would have resented the process and not had a fun time with it. Get your man on track and have him be accountable! Tough love!