Post # 1
Some time ago, I wrote this post. It now has become apparent to me that Fiance is depressed. I am not sure what I should do as a partner. At the risk of sounding like a total bitch, I’ll say, it is exhausting to me. This is a happy time and I feel like I am constantly trying to keep us afloat emotionally. It’s draining to be with someone who has no energy and literally sucks the joy out of me. I, too, need a listening ear but don’t feel like I can turn to him because he is dealing with his depression.
Now, as we are getting married soon, I can’t help but wonder if I am capable of being with someone who suffers from depression? Will this be always present throughout the relationship? What can I do to help? Will the time come when I have a partner that has the capability to listen to me? I feel terribly guilty for being angry and resentful towards him not only due to his lack of affection and intimacy towards me but because there is an underderlying sadness that is present at a time when we should be happy.
Any, bees who have dealt with this, I would appreciate your advice/support.
Post # 3
@cantremember: I’m so sorry you are both going through this. My Fiance has never had deep depression, but another close member of my family has.
I understand how draining, frustrating and difficult in can be.
Is he willing to go to counseling or see a doctor maybe to get prescribed something temporarily?
The first step is to see if you can get him some help…
I also suggest you seeking a support group or counseling because those who deal with depressed partners/parents, etc. also need help and need to take care of themselves.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
I think that one issue of long-term compatability is ones willingness to seek medical help when there is a clear issue that is impacting his/her well-being and/or his/her important relationships and ability to independently function. Does your Fiance recognize that he has a problem? Have you explained (in neutral language) how his problem is affecting you, your relationship, and your plans? Is he willing to get help? Depression is an illness, and it typically doesn’t go away on its own. Your Fiance needs treatment. If he isn’t willing to take care of himself and seek that treatment, then you’ve got a pretty big issue to work through, and wedding planning may need to take a backseat while you do that.
A friend of mine did get divorced because of her husband’s ongoing depression. She spent years trying to help him, while he never really wanted to help himself. She finally walked away because she wanted to be happy and experience life. She still loves him and they remain friends, but she couldn’t be married to a constant rain cloud anymore. Now she travels all over the world, spends more time with her horses, and is on the path she wanted to be on for all of those years.
Post # 6
@lovekiss: thank you for sharing that example. I feel so guilty for being angry. You have described it perfectly – it is a constant rain cloud.
Post # 7
Is he getting any kind of help or treatment for his depression? If not, is he willing to start? Speaking as someone who has a history of depression, I know how difficult it is to love or live with a depressed person, because I know I wasn’t fun to be with when I was depressed. But I think it’s important to recognize that and do what you can to get better or just manage it better so that you can be the person your partner fell in love with, and be able to support them when they need it.
Committing yourself to someone “in sickness and in health” is obviously what love and marriage is all about, but I believe that the other person has a responsibility to keep up THEIR end of the bargain by doing what they can to take care of their health as well.
Post # 8
Sorry you are dealing with this! It is draining for you, but it is probably twice as draining for him. There is no worse helpless feeling than I am sad and can’t fix it. I would talk with him about it, ask how he’s feeling and make sure he knows he won’t be judged. Let him know he has your support. Depression often makes you feel alone and if the one person you count on isn’t there for you, things get worse. Let him know it also affects you and you want both of you to be happy during this exciting time.
That being said, he has to want to get help himself. My 21st birthday present to myself was counseling and treatment. It changed my life. I had been suffering from it for years, as did my mom and I believe my grandmother. But, no one talked about it and I never told anyone. 4 years later, I firmly believe I would not be able to do the things I am doing today had I not spent that time on myself getting help. Please PM me if you have any questions.
Post # 10
I suffer from depression. It’s very exhausting to me as well so I can imagine how my Fiance can feel at times. He does seem to get frustrated, but he tries to be there for me as much as possible. I do admit that it’s my own fault because I haven’t seeked any treatment still, but I’ve gone through it for years. I go through my phases. There are times where I want help, then there other times where I feel like even talking to someone won’t solve my problems.
It is a very frustrating illness to deal with. I get angry with myself for being depressed which doesn’t help whatsoever. It’s hard to know what’s going through his mind because I’m sure he’s resistant to sharing. I know I can be.
The best advice I have for you is to just show support no matter how exhausting, frustrating, and emotional it is for you. Remember, he’s going through the same thing. Don’t be pushy, don’t nag, etc. I couldn’t stand when people hovered over me. There are times I want to be left alone, but always felt re-assured when someone showed that they at least cared.
You can always PM me with any questions. I have dealt with my mother all of my life as well. I will try to help you as much as possible.
Good luck and I hope he feels better soon.
Post # 11
I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. My mother suffered from debilitating depression most of my childhood, so I know how draining it can be to watch someone you love be pulled down by this disease.
My first piece of advice is to absolve yourself of responsbility. You can love, support and stand by him…but it is not your job to fix him. You need to take care of you. There’s no shame in that. No human being has endless sympathy.
My second piece of advice is to get him some help. He can’t do this alone–he needs counseling or possible some sort of medication.
Post # 12
My husband is also depressed. I can’t give you much advice because this is something that I am still struggling with. It’s hard to help someone when they don’t want to help themself. It’s hard for it to always be about his feelings, negativity, etc etc. I know he’s sick, but it doesn’t make it any easier for me to deal with and that doesn’t make it fair me to always be trying (and failing) to make him feel better/happy/etc.
Have you talked to him about how this effects you? Is he currently seeking help for depression? This is a big deal and if he is unwilling to work on it, then it shows he really isn’t caring about your feelings. Honestly, sometimes knowing that my husband is getting help and trying to improve the situation is the only way I can keep handling these ups and downs. In order for it to work, he has to want to get better too.