(Closed) FI is lying about talking to his ex. PLEASE HELP!

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What should i do??
    Pull your hair out! : (25 votes)
    32 %
    Text his ex. (What should I say?) : (11 votes)
    14 %
    Keep his phone hostage until he wants to be honest. : (30 votes)
    38 %
    Chill out. You craaazy, girl. : (13 votes)
    16 %
  • Post # 3
    Hostess
    18646 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I think you both are in the wrong here but he started it by lying to you.  You weren’t right to look through his phone at the texts but after him lying to me like that, I would probably have looked through the cell phone bills for her number too.  The only thing you can do right now is sit him down and have you both be honest about this.  If he can’t be honest with you about this girl, I would worry about the future together.

    Post # 5
    Hostess
    18646 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I think I would tell him that you both need to be honest with eachother and if that can’t happen, you can’t be in a relationship.  Then leave him to think about that.

    Post # 6
    Member
    572 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this….I would prolly be going crazy about it too…I think the best thing you can do in this situation is 1. give each other a little time to cool off and then 2. sit down with him and be honest about how this is making you feel.  Communication is a really big part of a relationship and as hard as it may be, go into it with a level head and listen to what he has to say just like you want him to listen to you. Like MissAsB said:  “if he cant be honest with you about her”, then something’s wrong.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2402 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    Honestly, it’s a huge red flag to me that he has lied to you about their contact. How long have they been broken up for?

    When my fiance & I first started dating 5 years ago, his ex would occasionally contact him and say things that I didn’t think were appropriate…they didn’t even stay friends after they broke up, she just started contacting him after she found out he found someone new (me). One time she told him she had dreams about him all the time, which made me feel very uncomfortable. I had a long talk with him, and he understood why I was upset, so he wrote her an e-mail cutting all contact off with her. Now they haven’t talked in years, except when I met her at a mutual friend’s party, and it went fine.

    I would sit down and have a long talk with your FI about this. Why does he feel the need to stay in contact with this ex? Is he in contact with all of his exes? I just find it odd that they may have met up for dinner and he never told you about it… that’s crossing the line to me…

    Post # 8
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Wow this totally sucks. I’d probably call up the cell phone company and be like, “hey, i want the call/text lists from X phone on MY bill”. Maybe they keep records? i don’t know.

    While i know peeking at BF’s phone was wrong, he’s lying to you about meeting with his ex. I think ex’s should stay in the past and I’d be totally, completely, wigging out livid. I’d sit him down, have a chat with him, and get to the bottom of it. And if I didn’t have a good feeling about it, I’d walk out the door. But honestly, meeting with exes, when you’ve already had issues with this in the past, behind your back, is enough to make me leave anyways. If he wants to be with her, fine, but you can’t have your cake and eat it, too.

    He’s being sneaky….not cool.

    Post # 10
    Member
    923 posts
    Busy bee

    Long response…sorry!

    I’ve been in this situation. It’s so humilitating and painful. First of all if you feel like you’re not getting the whole story you need to do what is in your power to protect yourself. “People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.” And looking through his phone may have been an invasion of privacy, but it was needed to in order to get to the bottom of things. I too have done something like this, and it was good that I did or else I never would have known some things going on that were not right for me or the kind of relationship I wanted.

    Everyone has different expectations in relationships, for me I let it be known that I don’t talk to my ex’s and neither should my SO. He’s the kind of guy who stays friends with them, but I always say at what cost? If you love me and want to be with me forever and you know this hurts me, regardless of how irrational it may be to you, you need to respect the fact that it is a deal breaker for me. I made this clear with my FI from day 1 and I didn’t bait and switch things once we got serious so he knew what he was getting into. I’m definitly threatened by other women who I know he has been intimate with, I had to sit down and figure out why this hurt me so much and what my fears were. I suggest you do the same. Is it a trust issue? Has he been unfaithful or lied to you before so you worry about it again, have you been cheated on before, or maybe it’s just your gut feeling telling you something isn’t right about this. Either way, you have the right to your opinion and to ask for what you want from YOUR relationships. Many people are going to have opinions on whether what you did was right or wrong, well…they aren’t you, and they aren’t in your relationship. go with your gut and do what is necerssary to protect yourself, but also do what is necerssary for the both of you to find a way to move past this (if that is what you want) and can understand each other and each others needs.

    I know it may be hard to talk to him about this, especially if he doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, but you need to sit down and talk about this out in the open. Not fight, talk. Gather your thoughts, write them down if you have to, and use “I” statements. Like “I feel bad when you talk to her because it makes me feel like your looking outside the relationship for something that I can give you”, or “when you talk to her or text her and don’t tell me it makes me feel like you’re trying to hide something because you know you’re doing something wrong”.

    Here’s a link to some strategies on communicating with him in a way that is productive so you can both be heard. I know it’s Dr. Phil, but he has some really good advice on his website.

    http://drphil.com/articles/article/317

    My SO and I still struggle with this, and it’s very frustrating. But I recently made it clear to him that I consider what he’s doing to be lying by omission and a form of infidelity. I told him that it’s not a threat, but if this contineus I have no choice but to leave. I know myself, and if more were to happen between him and another women I could never fogive him, I would need to move on. That’s just me. Figure out what your deal breakers are and have a good discussion about it when you’re both relaxed and have ample time to discuss the situation. I’m hoping once he understands how this makes you feel and how this errodes the fabric of your relationship that he won’t want to risk losing you just to talk or hang out with someone that he finds “annoying” anyway.

    In my opnion, it makes it easier to trust my husband when he is completely transperent. Meaning that he has nothing to hide and is open with his life knowing that there is nothing he does when I’m not around that he wouldn’t do with me right there. We’re getting there, but sometimes I just think he doesn’t get it. He’s not trying to hurt me or even cheat on me. Maybe your SO has the same issue. This isn’t going to go away in one conversation, it may take many. But this is the first step. Have youthought about pre-marital counseling? It’s not where you go when something is wrong, it’s where you go before something is wrong so you can both figure out your place in your marriage and decide how you want to be a couple. People aren’t born knowing how to be good partners or good spouses, and everyone is after all different. Seeking out a professional may be what you both need in order to be fully heard and understood.

    Here’s another link that I think might help you feel a little more confident in the fact that you’re not crazy for feeling this way and it may help you understand more about yourself. I think you’re partner will benefit from reading this too. Hang in there. Let us know how this plays out. And if you ever want to email back and forth or chat my email box is always open!! Hang in there…

    http://drphil.com/articles/article/323

     

    Post # 11
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    yeah, i agree, if you REALLY want to stop contacting someone, you say, “Hey, i’m done with you. stop contacting me you crazy bia!” and you delete them. and you DON’T ANSWER or entertain their emails. Who cares if they’re crazy?! If they keep it up, tell them you’ll file for harassment or whatever.

    Boo. Too bad you can’t get the texts =(. He is obviously hiding something–why else do you delete messages from someone?

    Post # 12
    Member
    923 posts
    Busy bee

    P.S. One last thing…do not under any circumstances text call or talk to his ex. This will only inflame the situation. You’re issue is with your FI, not her. Don’t go outside the relationship to fix something that’s in it.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1980 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    There isn’t an option for “Break Up With Him and COnsider This Dodging a Bullet” but thats what I would do. I think he is having an affair (I’m sorry but I do…). I think you have enough here to tell you that he isn’t honest with you, that he still has feelings for an ex, and that he is willing to compromise yalls relationship because of it. I would be DONE.

    Post # 15
    Member
    513 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    Wow, I went through something similar with my current fiance. One night the phone just kept ringing. He said it was work and he wasn’t going in and he didn’t care if he got yelled at for it. That part sounded normal for him BUT the phone kept ringing. Finally he turned the phone off. He fell asleep and I just had a feeling. So I picked up the phone and it was an ex. She had been texting him and calling. I read a lot of the messages. I was so hurt I didn’t even know what to say. After he realized I wasn’t in bed, he came into the living room. He say how angry I was and he knew why without asking. What was his response to all my questions…”I really didn’t think you were going to marry a guy like me and I am leaving soon (deployment) so I figured you would move on.” WTF! I was too angry to understand his train of thought.

    The only advice I can tell you is people do very stupid things for different reasons. My fiance and I have worked things out. It took a long time and I still have moments of distrust, even when I have no valid reason. But he knows that and he expects it to happen from time to time. You really have to figure out a way to get to the bottom of your FI behavior. Maybe nothing has happened. Maybe they are just friends, maybe not. I think the best way to let him know you are serious about knowing the truth is to seperate for awhile. Maybe go to a friend’s house for a few days. Let him know you will NOT be a doormat and he needs to figure out what he wants and why he is in contact with her.

    I am so sorry you are going through this. I really hope it works out for the best. Try not to let anger control you. I know it is hard but try not to because that is when we make really stupid decisions. Goodluck and keep us posted on how you are doing.

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