Post # 1
Regular bee going anon.I’ve been with FI for three years now, and have been friends with him for eight. He is usually a super sweet guy. But things have just been going wrong.
He lies to me about things. I am not against porn, but it started to affect our lives to the point that he wouldn’t want sex for weeks with me. So I asked him to stop last year. I am also Christian and things like porn question my morality at times.
Fast forward to two months ago. I caught lewd search terms in his phone and checked his browsing history and saw that he had been watching porn again (this was around the third relapse ever since I asked him to stop). I was incredibly upset. I already have heart issues and the stress of this made it a lot worse. We had moved in together previously and he would sneak downstairs while I was still asleep to watch porn on his miniscule phone screen. When I caught him, he came clean and said he had been watching it since January. I caught him in May.
Now don’t flame me for the stance on porn I have. Because of a lot of factors in my life, I have very low self esteem and I feel like shit when he ogles some random woman on a screen. I don’t think I look bad enough to warrant him not wanting to have sex for weeks. It’s the lying that is killing me.
Yesterday he told me he accidentally pocket dialed a phone number and he got charged $40 for the call. I had to ask him about forty times to tell me the truth and he said he called a chat line three times. A fucking chat line. I asked him for the details and he said he called because he wanted to see if he could hear anything sexual, and he said he didn’t. He called again and he didn’t hear anything sexual. The third time he called the line said he would be charged so he hung up. I honestly think he thought he would be able to listen to porn; he had no idea what a chat line really was. He told me he actually did not talk to a physical person but only heard pre recorded profiles.
Bees I don’t know what to do. I feel like my world is crashing around me. He is the man I left my family for, that I gave up so much for.
I guess what I’m asking here is what would you do, and what do you think I should do?
Post # 3
I feel like I didn’t even need to read your post, the title says it all. Whatever the reason, whatever your stance on porn, if your FI is making you feel that horrible, something is seriously wrong. Have you asked him to go to therapy with you?
Post # 4
If you are serious about wanting to die, please seek help.
Whatever someone’s stance on porn, it’s obviously a problem if it replaces a healthy sex life. He needs to realize that and to want help for himself. You can’t make someone realize they have a problem. I would insist on couples counseling if the relationship were to continue.
Post # 5
@RunnerBride13: I haven’t been able to go to therapy myself. FI and I both work six days a week to help pay for school. I am booking off a few days next week to compose myself, so maybe he would like to come with me to therapy.
He said he would the last time but didn’t get around to finding a place to go to.
Post # 6
@whyanon: make it clear that he needs to follow through this time, that anything else is unacceptable
Post # 7
I think you guys should seek out counseling both individually and as a couple.
Post # 8
@Laurenplusalex: Dying seems like such a welcome idea at the moment but I’m not sure if I could go through with it. I realize how much it would hurt my family so I’m trying my hardest to stay calm.
Post # 9
I second the therapy. Whatever your stance on porn is, if it’s effecting your sex life then it’s a problem. You’ve made your boundaries very clear to him on the porn subject and he broke those. Also he knew that it was a chat line. Please don’t tell yourself he didn’t He knew what he was doing. BIG HUGS OP! If he doesn’t want to do counseling then you have two options, suck the porn addiction up or leave.
Post # 10
@whyanon: I have no problem with porn, but as you stated, that’s not even the real problem. The problem is that he’s lying and disrespecting your views. The fact that he “makes you want to die” is a MAJOR red flag. I’m so sorry, but it sounds like your mental and physical health hang in the balance here and no man is worth that, especially one that doesn’t care enough to tell you the truth.
Post # 11
@whyanon: I don’t think there is a “right” or “wrong” view when it comes to porn, however I do believe that you and your partner’s views need to be aligned. Someone that is morally against porn cannot be with someone that enjoys/is ok with porn; it will cause resentment, suspicion, and promote lying/snooping.
Post # 12
Listen to yourself. You need to leave.
Post # 13
@whyanon: Don’t think about suicide over a man. Your life is so much more special then that.
Post # 14
@whyanon: dying is permanent solution to a temporary problem. Remember that. Your LIFE is worth more than this relationship.
It sounds like he has an obvious addiction. Counseling is the best option
Post # 15
Please speak to someone immediately if you truly feel like you want to die. Call a friend, call your doctor, call an anonymous suicide hotline, anything.
You guys should definitely look into couples counseling and there is such a thing as a porn addiction (as in, there are chemical changes in the brain. It can get to the point that it’s like a drug addiction. The addict cannot just stop watching). He may need individual therapy to get over this.
Post # 16
The best advice I can give you is to really think about if this is the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Therapy or not, porn or not, taking the “feelings” out of it……when you look at the future, do you like the picture you see when he’s in it? Do you even see him in it? My mom always told me that men are the best they are ever going to be when you’re dating them. (I know it’s a mom statement, but it is true.)