FI is still an optimist about my relationship with his mom…

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
906 posts
Busy bee

Let me tell you something. When my dad first dated, got engaged, and married my mother, my grandma(my dads mom) didn’t like my mom and they only had a cordial relationship. As time went on and my mom gave birth to my older sister and I, my mom and my dads mom(my grandma) developed a better relationship and now they are somewhat close. At least closer then they were before. She now loves and cares about my mom

should your fi give up hope? Absolutely not. just don’t give up hope, don’t force the relationship and things will slowly come together and the relationship will grow as time goes on. 

Post # 3
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

TGold:  I honestly think that it is too soon for you to decide that it is never going to het better and if it doesn’t get better your FI will be resentful because you (for lack of a better word) gave up too soon. Don’t you think that he also feels like you aren’t a team every time you try to convince him that it’s never going to work?

I realise that you have been together for 7 years but truly any relationship with her didn’t start until a year ago when you got engaged and she finally acknowledged your existence. I think you have to restart the clock and start thinking of it as only having tried for a year. He accepts that the ball is in her court to apologise so you really don’t have to do anything yet anyway. If you aim for the stars you might at least fall into the treetops but if you aim for nothing then that’s all you are going to get. 

I just know that if it was me I would try for a few years longer for my FI’s sake and the sake of children (if you want them) who surely would want their mother and grandmother to get along. I’m not saying that you are ever going to go on lunch dates together or anything but hopefully something slightly warmer than just politeness will eventually form. 

Post # 4
1136 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

TGold:  I can totally see it from both sides. I can definitely understand (and agree with) your feelings in needing to let it be (you’re stronger than I would be!) and I can also understand why he is still hoping it will get better.

If you are worried he will start to resent you for this or that you feel perhaps he’s not on your team with this issue, do you think its something you should talk to a couples therapist about? I may be jumping to conclusions but I think your concern could be a ligitimate one and in-laws can cause HUGE issues in a marriage (i’ve seen a marriage almost fall apart first hand because of it). I certainly don’t mean to scare you but perhaps an outsiders professional opinion could help you both find a middle ground and to understand eachothers feelings better (and to help you decide how you will deal with this in future!)

Stay strong! I really hope you don’t have to deal with that behaviour from her forever!

Post # 5
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

As someone who has been where you are, I can understand your feelings.

My first husband’s mother acted exactly the same way.  We were together 3 years before we got engaged, and she acted like I didn’t exist that whole time.  I doubt she said more than 50 words to me all those years.  It really upset me, and I did my best to break the ice, but she was like a brick wall. 

We got married, and then she was all over me like a rash.  But for me, it was too little, too late. By that point, I just didn’t want a relationship with her.  I was never rude, always civil, helpful etc but that was it.   

It sounds like you have explained your position to your FI well.  Until I got a sincere apology, a honest admittance of what she said was wrong, I wouldn’t want a closer relationship with her either.  About 3 years ago FFIL blamed me for a situation that was entirely FI’s fault.  Even though FI stuck up for me, he still wanted me to apologise to FFIL.  I refused, told him that I didn’t care that it was his father, I do not apologise to anyone when I have done nothing wrong.   Sounds like your FI is like mine, has a hard time accepting that his parent  could actually be the one in the wrong.

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