FI is super forgetful + I feel cast aside sometimes??

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
85 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Haruyou:  It is not a “man” thing. He is not mature enough yet to be married or even to be in a serious relationship. Put your foot down, if you want things to change.

 

Edited to add a question: How do you handle it, when you discuss these things he’s forgotten with him? Do you say, “Oh, that’s ok, I guess?”

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  bee.anonymous.
Post # 3
Hostess
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

Haruyou:  It’s not a man thing, it’s a consideration thing.  DH was like this, he didn’t get why it bothered me, it’s his life why do I care?  He didn’t understand (somehow) that because I love him, his life becomes my life in a way and what he does (and doesn’t do) matters to me.  I made a point of reinforcing when he did things ‘right’ thanking him etc and not nagging on the bad things – it helped.

Post # 4
Member
2507 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I’d be worried, not about his commitment to you but that he seems to have crossed the line from enthusiastic gamer into an addict who is so pre-occupied with gaming that it’s affecting aspects of his daily life (a huge sign of addiction whether it’s drugs or gambling or shopping or gaming). He’s not even taking care of his own needs let alone yours! I would sit him down, ask him if there’s something else bugging/ distracting him and if he says no then gently but firmly tell him you’re worried he’s let his passion for gaming cross the line between hobby and problem and that something has to be done.

Post # 5
Member
2549 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

World of Warcraft is an old game… I mean, it came out 10 years ago. I feel like it’s lost a lot of its appeal.

But onto the real problem, does he have a career? Is he in school? I know how those games get, but most people need a place to focus their energy away from that game without getting consumed. Maybe he hasn’t improved because he hasn’t seen any real threats to his normal life. He gets the game and the girl, no problem. This has to change, and so far he’s seen no reason to change it. He’s comfortable with this lifestyle. 

Post # 6
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

7 years ago my FI and I broke of our engagement because of WoW. Obviously, there were other issues but it came down to his constant game playing and me feeling ignored.

You need to talk to him and see what he says, and if he takes it seriously. If he doesn’t then you need to think about you and your needs first.

Post # 7
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’d sit him down, gently say “I have something very important to say.  When you do ABC, I feel XYZ” and I’d watch and see how he reacts.  Does he get defensive and play even more to spite you? Or does he make an effort to improve?  

We all have faults.  I’m sure there’s stuff you do that bugs your FI.  But don’t marry someone who doesn’t respect or listen to your concerns. 

Post # 8
Member
6344 posts
Bee Keeper

Honestly, there is no way on this sweet earth that this would fly with me. This guy wouldn’t even be my BF for very long, much less would I agree to marry him until I saw some serious improvements. 

The fact that he’s “forgetting” all these things (I won’t even go into how unacceptable “forgetting” about helping out your grandmother is) shows me that it’s not so much “forgetting” as it is he just doesn’t prioritze any of these things over gaming. And that is a HUGE problem.

I am all for men (and women) having hobbies and doing things outside of work and outside of their relationships that make them happy, but, as some PPs have touched upon, there is a fine line between a hobby that can easily be put aside for things like relationships and life tasks, and one that becomes all-consuming. PPs are right that you need to have a serious talk with him and can’t be a pushover that lets him keep doing this with no consequences.

Post # 9
Member
721 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I’m sorry to tell you this, but you are engaged to a teenager.

And while I’ll probably get flamed for this, it has a lot to do with the fact that you guys have been together since you’re teenagers. I’m not saying high school sweetheart relationships don’t work out, or don’t have mature, long lasting marriages. But, in some situations, when people have been together since they’re so young, and haven’t felt the need to grow out of childish behavior, the cycle continues on.

If this is the man you want to marry, you need to start having serious conversations about this. This isn’t just something you should let go of because it’s more than just being forgetful, he’s consumed with this video game, and before you know it more aspects of your relationship will suffer.

One of my closest friends ended a 5 year relationship over WoW.

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 10 months ago by  OMGMrsW2B.
Post # 10
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Haruyou:  a huge reason I left DDs dad was because video games interrupted and ruined a lot of moments in our lives. He even endangered her life one time because he was so enthralled in a stupid game. (She got out to the yard with scissors, cut all her hair off, but, what if?? She was 3!)

Needless to say, I don’t tolerate that kind of crap anymore, and I hope you think this through.

Post # 11
Member
4036 posts
Honey bee

Haruyou:  Sorry this is defnitely not a “man thing” as other PPs have said. This is a consideration thing. My DH plays video games (mostly sports games) about 2 days a week. When it’s time to eat or do something, he might say, “be there in 5 or 10 minutes.” But I would defnitely not wait 2 hours for him. 

OP, this definitely warrants a conversation about being considerate and perhaps considering cutting down on his gaming hours. It’s one thing to have a hobby, it’s an entirely different thing to have an obsession. It becomes an obession when it impacts other areas of your life and the people around you.

Best of luck OP.

Post # 12
Member
4036 posts
Honey bee

OMGMrsW2B:  I would have to disagree with you on the “high school sweetheart” thing being the driver of this immaturity. I think it is a factor of his personality and his choices. Yes, they have been together for a long time and since teenagers, but it sounds like she has matured, unfortunately he hasn’t. 

DH and I started dating at 14 and 16. We are completely different people than we were at that age, now that we are 26 and 28. We both matured and grew together. It had to with our life choices and our decisions, not that we started dating in high school.

I also know many people who have married in their late 20’s/early 30’s and end up with immature guys. It’s a completely independent issue. Now, she has “tolerated” this behavior for a long time, which is part of the issue, but that is differen than saying “you dated younger when you were immature and that stunted your ability to mature.”

Post # 13
Member
3002 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Haruyou:  My FI is a big gamer and sometimes it gets to the point he gets enthralled in a game. There had been points in our relationship where, on his day off, he would promise to wash dishes, do laundry, tidy up the bedroom, but would end up sitting down and playing his game instead and not get anything done he said he would. This would cause massive arguments. It finally got to the point where I felt like his mother, taking away his game until he did his chores. Eventually, he grew out of that a little bit.

I think I would ask your FI to take a break from the game entirely. Ask him not to play for a week. Disengage from technology and just try to reconnect. See what he says about that. If he isn’t willing to give up the game for a week, well…it sounds like he has a gaming addiction and I would seek help for that. My FI is obsessed with games, but he’s able to disengage and go days without playing without anything bad happening.

Post # 14
Member
356 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Haruyou:  How often does he play? It sounds like he could have an addiction to it, which would be an uncontrollable compulsion to play, and perhaps when he’s not playing he still compulsively thinks about it, leading to forgetting real life stuff. 

This could turn into a serious issue for him if left unchecked. Before you say anything though please look up the stages of addiction and realize that there will be a good chance he won’t think there is a problem and it will be tough to get this across to him. If it seems like he can’t control his playing and isn’t seeing the issue you will probably want to seek professional help, at least for you if he’s not willing yet. 

Addictions are very tough to deal with.

Post # 15
Member
703 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My FI likes video games (he doesn’t play WoW) but he’s considerate about it. He’ll ask if I mind if he plays for awhile and if there is something else we need to do or I want to use the TV, he quits. When we first started living together it wasn’t always that way. He’d get fixated and play all day and I had to sit him down and talk about how inconsiderate it was to me and our time together. After that he became much more mindful. You need to be honest with him about this behavior and how it affects you. Hopefully he can make some positive changes.

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