(Closed) FI is trying to tell parents how to spend money! Very Frustrated!

posted 7 years ago in Money
Post # 3
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m not sure what the average is where you live, but I got married in Baltimore and I only paid I $30 a plate.

Now, what does the $50 include? Is that with the venue?

Post # 4
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Does your Fiance think your parents will give you the difference?  Does he give a reason for wanting to only spend that much?  Does he think it will be too fancy?  Without knowing his reasons, only he can give you the perspective you need.

Post # 5
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Maybe he just doesn’t feel that it’s a reasonable use of money? Not saying that it’s not, of course, just trying to envision what his concerns might be. Maybe he doesn’t want to feel beholden to your parents?

Either way – whether he’s contributing or not – his opinions should be taken into account, just as (I hope) yours would be if his parents were paying for the lion’s share. 

Hopefully a conversation with your Fiance will yield some kind of compromise. Best of luck!

Post # 6
550 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My Fiance grew up poor and he has always been very frugal with money. He also thinks it is outrageous that my parents are spending what they are on the wedding. I told him they really want to do this for us, and would be offended if we asked them to spend loess (unless that is what we wanted, of course). Does Fiance know that you want the caterer too? Have you discussed what kind of wedding overall you both want?

Post # 8
1653 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I’d be interested in hearing his reasons, too.  He must have elaborated at some point.  Does he just want to avoid having what he considers an extravagant affair?  Does he think maybe you guys might get the difference as a gift or an inheritance?  Is he uncomfortable feeling indebted to your parents in some way?

Your FI’s wishes for the wedding should definitely be taken into account, but it’s not really his place to question how your parents decide to spend their money.  If they are throwing a wedding for you and they want to pay $50 a plate, it’s really none of his business.  It’s perfectly fine if he has an opinion on what kind of food will be served – it is, after all, his wedding, too – but he can’t decide how much money is too much for your parents to spend.  You should ask him, if you haven’t already, what his specific problem is with this situation.

I don’t know what average prices are like in Utah, but to me $50 per head seems like a reasonable amount (ultimately depending on what it includes).

Edit: I think a bunch of my questions were answered before I could post.  🙂


Post # 9
1058 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

More than likely he feels that that is way to much money to spend. Whether its his money or not…. compromising will began early for the two of you. Remember its his wedding too! Although he may not be paying he has a point and he doesn’t think $50 a head is reasonable…this means you should go back to step one and find someone you both feel comfortable with.

For instance, I had met and decided upon a photographer…. I’d ben asking this guy for years. Plus, I am best friends with his daughter. She had told me for years how he did this persons pics for free, this one for free, that one free. And that he would more than likely do mine for free. But after meeting with him its NO WHERE NEAR FREE OR A DEAL. My Fiance said he is way to high and I told him, okay. If he could find better we would go with his person. So, now he has full control over the photography and videography. He found a guy way cheaper, willing to trvel over an 1 1/2 and still he is cheaper. He trust him so I will.

Sometimes you have to just compromise… its the start of your marriage. Don’t let this cause problems you guys just sit down and talk about it.

Post # 10
3261 posts
Sugar bee

im paying $25 a plate which includes the reception cake and a dessert buffet. and the food is in generous portions.

i think you could find something cheaper.. but as far as him telling your parents they cant go over 5k when they’re paying..thats a no go.

Post # 11
7421 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

The wedding is about you and your FH. Yes, its great that your family is extremely generous but you future husbands wishes can and should be somewhat accomodated.

I mean you family is doing ALOT for the both of you, as a man I know that can’t be easy. My fiance would probably feel the exact same way (and thats without all the extra stuff you say your parents are doing for you guys, college/car).

Post # 12
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

My guess is that he might feel somewhat emasculated about the whole situation. Think of it this way… he’s a man, who’s fiancee and her family are paying for his college, his car and his whole wedding and honeymoon. That’s a lot! Maybe he’s feeling insecure about not being able to provide these things for himself?

Post # 13
3140 posts
Sugar bee

@SweetartMD: My Fiance was kinda the same way. But I think for different reasons. He just didn’t want to spend very much because he thought that $40-50 per person was outrageous. Then we finally went to a tasting and he understood where the money was going. 

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