Post # 1
Well, I never thought I would have to post a relationship problem, and I already know what the solution is, but I wanted to see what you girls thought about it.
My FI is upset that I’m not spending enough time with him. I love working and making money. I have several small jobs (babysitting, respite care, housesitting) on top of my fulltime job as an administrative assistant at a worldwide non-profit organization. I also volunteer quite a bit, and of course have to make time for friends and family.
His beef is that we don’t NEED the extra money so I shouldn’t be working these extra jobs, but I was doing these extra things to save money for the wedding, without having to go broke. He keeps saying there’s no point in getting married if I’m never spending time with him anyway.
Now I know that the solution is to spend more time with him, but the thing is I enjoy doing these extra things.
What do you ladies think? Is he being selfish by wanting me to spend much more time with him, or am I being selfish, wanting to make sure I get my dream wedding and losing precious moments with him?
Post # 3
I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear this, but he is not being selfish. Your time with him is most important and although, as you say, you love doing these things…don’t you also love your FI?
Post # 4
Honestly? You’re being a bit selfish. I love working too but my main job is to be a good fiancée to my FH and THEN my career (but I love love love my career, don’t get me wrong). Wedding begins with “we” after all 🙂 Set aside time at least once a week where you turn the phone off and spend a whole day with him. After all do you really need to work every day out of the week? And he’s right, what’s the point in having a beautiful wedding that you’re not spending time together and growing together?
Post # 5
Can’t you come up with a compromise? Cut back 1-2 extra days of babysitting or whatever to spend just with him? Something like that? I think that compromising is the best solution. I don’t think you should quit all of these things since it’s extra money and you like doing these things. At the same time, he’s not happy and you should spend more time with him (and WANT to spend more time with him). Ask him if you cut back 1-2 days a week if that will make him happy? 🙂
Post # 6
I never said I was working every day of the week littlemissmoo! I usually spend at least 2 evenings at home with him, but he wants more.
Of course I love him, and our relationship is important to me, but aren’t individuals in a relationship suppose to have their own lives too
Post # 7
i dont know that either one of you is being selfish, but it does seem like your needs aren’t lining up in the best way. while spending more time with him is the obvi answer to the problem, there may be ways to do it without losing the things you enjoy doing – like, can he go with you to volunteer? can you cut out one of the side jobs?
i would also suggest setting aside a specific night (at least one!) each week that is just about the 2 of you – my FI and i often work opposite schedules (sometimes he’s on the night shift) and having that alone time makes it a little easier – it may do the same to help your FI feel important and help you guys stay close despite all the daily hussle
Post # 8
You can invest money in your wedding or invest time in your marriage.
Post # 9
Imagine if it were the other way around. You’d probably feel like the least important thing in his life since he is always finding ways to be doing something else. I think I’d be pretty hurt to know my fiance enjoyed housesitting so much that he’d rather do that than spend an hour on the couch doing nothing with me.
Post # 10
Thanks for the advice girls. I guess too I didn’t give enough background info either, but I know what needs to be done.
Post # 11
@Ryansgirl, I’m sorry, I never meant to insinuate that you don’t do that. Or that you work every day. But maybe set aside special time at least once a month where you take a whole day to go out together and do things. I’m lucky enough to see and spend time with FH every morning before he goes to work and then I go to work but I know from our experience that if that’s all I see of him I get upset because we never go out together and do stuff. We have a deal where once a month we go out together for a day – to the aquarium, to the zoo, to a museum, to a gallery just so that we have something to plan that whole month.
As individual yes, we’re meant to have separate interests and lives but if one person in a couple feels neglected we, as the other half of the couple, should understand and be supportive of their feelings. Even if we feel like they’re being a bit unreasonable.
Anyways, that’s just IMO. Ultimately I think you should talk to your FH and ask him what you can both do to compromise where you both are happy with the situation.
Post # 13
my bf lives an hour away from me. at most, i see him twice a week. when we get married, i would hope i see him more than that. i don’t know if the word is selfish… but he is not wrong in wanting to spend time with you. he’d rather have his wife than a big wedding. it kinda makes me sad that you’d rather work than see him.
Post # 14
I think you guys need to discuss expectations!
Obviously he expects to spend more quality time with you than you do! Which is fine! But you need to ensure both of your needs are being met, yours being busy and involved and his spending enough quality time together!
Good Luck – I hope you guys can work this out so everyone is satisfied!
Post # 15
Man, I hate working. I can’t relate to this at all. I’d much rather be home with my SO, and he’d be pretty PO’ed if all I spent was 2 nights at home with him a week. That’s pretty lame, IMO.
Post # 16
Can you do some of those volunteering things with him? That way you can do both things that you love at the same time (that sounds so wrong)?