Post # 1
I have an inquiry, and im merely looking for advice on how to handle the situation.
My problem is my FI. We’re in a long distance thing right now. He’s always been a bit jealous, which I think is to be expected when were a world apart. I always tell him what im doing and vice versa. Not like im “checking in” or “asking for permission” but because we want to be in eachothers lives as much as possible, so we tell eachother everything, also to give eachother reassurance.
Ive been noticing that, after our engagement, he still expresses the same amount of jealousy when it comes to me and other men. I find myself having to reassure him that, were engaged, and in a very difficult relationship (difficult being the distance). Why would I stay if I wanted something else? Isnt my commitment to marry him enough that he feels secure?
See, he doesnt think im going to cheat on him. I think hes very insecure because he thinks im going to find someone better.
Backstory: I just recently got a twitter account and he thinks im looking for someone better because i keep tweeting to random guys, but its only because i’m into pro gaming (like xbox and playstation) so naturally a lot of males are going to be apart of that, but he thinks im looking elsewhere.
I dont really know how to convince him otherwise. Do you think that this will get better once were living together? Do you think that it will get better with time? Or do you think this is a character flaw and he will always be jealous and borderline controlling? I feel almost manipulated because instead of telling me what to do, he acts all hurt but “whatever, do what you want”. You know, very passive agressive.
I dont know what to do or how to fix it!
Post # 3
@xSparr0w: This is off topic, but how did it go when he came to visit?
Post # 4
@dannielle89: It was good! no jealousy or anything. You know, like a normal relationship. But he was only here two weeks
Post # 5
@xSparr0w: That is a shame he had to leave so soon 🙁
Sorry, I don’t have any advice about the jealousy thing!
Post # 6
He sounds like a preoccupied attached person. It’s a personality trait learned from childhood. The only thing that will help is time and lots of talking. This all stems from his low self esteem.
Article about attachment styles
Post # 7
@xSparr0w: “Ive been noticing that, after our engagement, he still expresses the same amount of jealousy when it comes to me and other men.”
I don’t understand why you would expect it to change, if he’s a jealous person why would he stop just because you are engaged? The day I met DH he told me “Just so you know, I have female friends and that’s not negotiable.”. I said “Perfect, because I have male friends and it’s not changing.” We didn’t stop having platonic friends when we got engaged or even married. I know it’s the opposite end of things, but the same principle for change/not changing.
Not to say his jealousy couldn’t change, but it will likely take a lot of work on his part and you need to find out if he even wants to (and want to stick around while he works on his internal issues, because they have nothing to do with you unless you cheated or something!) or if you could accept it as is. Some people are super jealous and perfectly happy that way. I think jealous people do best with other jealous people, much like DH and I are not and have no issues. The lines are the same for both people so there’s no confusion/resentment/pouting (this seems to go hand in hand with jealously in my experience… like your comment about him being all “whatever…”).
I dated a guy once a few times, I had met him through a male friend. After a few dates he goes “If we’re going to be dating, you can’t be having male friends.”. I said “Well that’s easy to fix.”. He said (happy face) “It is!?”. I said “Yeah, we’re not dating then.” (cue sad face). We still were friendly, but rarely saw each other, mostly in groups/with friends (like how we met). Then a couple years later he showed up at my door and asked me on a date. I told him I thought he wouldn’t date someone who had male friends and I haven’t changed. He told me he had, that he was really immature and insecure before. He apologized for his past behavior, though it hadn’t bothered me, at least he was honest with what he wanted and no hard feelings from him at the time. We did end up dating a while again lol, nothing really came of it but it was fun.
Another guy I dated was jealous with the same results (not dating anymore) but no contact after that. He called me a year and a half later. Told me he didn’t want anything from me except for me to hear him out and wasn’t trying to get back together. That he was no longer a jealous person and it really had bothered him for a while how he acted with me so he just wanted to apologize. I whole heartedly accepted it and let him know I hadn’t held a grudge or hard feelings, but I was really glad he was in a happier place. Never heard from him again, but I was really impressed by the call!
Post # 8
@MrsTangerine: I didnt expect his jealousy to go away, but his fear of losing me. I figured if i committed myself to him then why would he be afraid of that??
Post # 9
@xSparr0w: I’m sorry, I lumped jealousy and fear of losing you into the same thing. I guess because for me it’s the same thing. I can’t fathom jealousy with out being afraid you’re going to lose someone (right or wrong, I can’t see why a person would be jealous otherwise), and from jealous people I’ve known it’s been rooted in family issues and self esteem issues and the whole point was they were afraid you’d find someone better (because their upbringing made them feel less or whatever else did) and leave them so anyone that might somehow be better (in their eyes) was competition and they were jealous.
To me if you were already boyfriend/girlfriend you were already committed, engaged was just a step up in the commitment ladder so to speak. What “is” is louder than what is said to me.
One of the best men I dated: we never discussed anything (I met him knowing I wasn’t looking, moving away in a year and told him so)… but we got on so well. Everyone called us boy/girlfriend and we didn’t disagree. Too long to really explain without a novel. We never talked about anything until the day before I left, with us both teary, but him fully supportive of me needing to do what I needed to do. Neither of us wanted LDRs, he was rooted there and I couldn’t stand it. Awesome man, we’re still friends many years later. And I have no doubt we were committed to each other even though we didn’t say it, we didn’t have to.
DH and I… everyone else called what we were before we discussed it. And when we did it was DH bringing it up but I was on board with it. But from the day we met I had no doubt and no jealousy where we stood.
Again I’m sorry if was mistaken. I don’t personally understand jealousy, just know what I’ve experienced and observed. Good luck and I hope everything works out great!