Post # 1
On Monday night we had a really bad fight. Today (yesterday, technically) we argued again on the phone while I was out of town for work. The last thing I said to him was really stupid: "why don’t you go stay with your brother…" He wouldn’t return my calls all night. I drove back home after work, praying he would be there. He wasn’t, and he had moved ALL of his stuff out of our house. He still won’t return my calls and he wouldn’t talk to me when I went to his brother’s house. I feel like my life is over. I even called a crisis hotline because it’s the middle of the night and I have no one to talk to. Now I have to tell everyone that the wedding is off. I feel like such a fool. I can hardly keep myself from crying. How can I go on after this?
Post # 3
I definitely think you’re jumping the gun a little. Without knowing what the fighting was all about or what your situation is, it is difficult to really evaluate the situation. It has only been a day and you haven’t even talked to him yet– it sounds like a lot of hurtful things have been said, and he might just be blowing off some steam. Just relax, take a hot bath, and sleep for a while. Then in the morning, call him or a family member to try to get a grasp on what is going on. Most people don’t end engagements by moving all their stuff out and refusing to talk. Don’t tell anyone the engagement is off until you’ve talked to your fiance.
Post # 4
Well…like you said you guys had a fight..and maybe he left in the heat of the moment and right now just needs some time to cool down…although it’s unhealthy for him just to leave (even if you say so)…that’s another issue to work on and discuss later…
I wouldn’t call the wedding off yet though…at least until you both have a talk and figure things out…
Post # 5
Lots of (((Hugs))) going out from Cali. I hope it was just a bad fight and you guys can work things out.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way. That is devastating! If you cannot reconcile, your life is NOT over. It just wasn’t meant to be….
If you don’t mind me asking– what happened in your fight? Did someone cheat? It just seems rather strange that he would pick up his stuff & ignore you unless it was an extremely difficult situation for him.
Maybe just give him some time to cool off, don’t call or go to his brothers house for a little bit. Let this die down first. Maybe try him at the end of the week or the beginning of next… something is obviously very wrong & he needs some space from your relationship right now. It’s not over yet… have faith that you’ll work through it.
Post # 7
Thanks, you guys. I fell a little less alone now. It’s 3 am and I can’t even watch tv (the cable is out, just my luck). The thing is, he’s done this before…twice. The first time, we had a bad fight and he left and didn’t return my calls until the next day. The next time was a couple months later, and he wasn’t officially moved in yet, but he left and didn’t talk to me for a whole week. He said some terrible things to me then, but he came crawling back with an apology saying it would never happen again.
This time is the different. We live together and are officially engaged. I have an engagement ring. We have the church and reception hall booked for our wedding. I’m even having a dress custom made. Our parents have met each other. We had a very bad fight…he said something mean, I got really upset, and I slapped him across the face. I know it was wrong, and I still feel terrible that I did it. We "made up" afterwards, but he apparently had decided that it’s unforgivable so he’s punishing me. He moved every single thing he owned out of our house, from dishes to clothes to furniture, all while I was away at work for a few hours. Even if he does change his mind, how can things ever be ok between us? I can’t decide whether I should continue to beg for forgiveness or just give up on him. I love him and I hate his guts right now for making me feel this way.
Post # 8
You shouldn’t have slapped him– violence towards another person (no matter how much it may feel like its deserved) is never okay. Had he hit you, he’d be talking to the police.
His come & go attitude is not okay either. He’s either in it or he’s not. Your marriage can’t have an open door policy. What happens if you piss him off after 5 years of marriage with twins on the way… is he just going to leave you then too?
I think, if he’s willing, you need to talk to someone & sort out your issues before you walk down the aisle. Marriage doesn’t fix pre-existing problems, it usually only magnifies them.
All the best to you! Be strong & I really hope you can come to some sort of resolution together.
Post # 9
I’m sorry you are going through such a horrible situation. There are no easy answers, and with what transpired it might be good for you two to re-evaluate and gain some perspective.
I know it probably feels like life is just completely decimated, but perhaps this is a wake up call to bring you to a place where you can deal with deep underlying personal issues. As Recessionista says, violence is NEVER an ok response to a situation. A lot of times we respond with violence when we feel trapped or when that was the way we learned to deal with problems when we were growing up.
The root cause doesn’t matter here on Weddingbee, but it should really matter to you. I would recommend some intensive personal counseling for just you– without your fiance. Put the wedding and thoughts of telling people about delays or cancellations, and work on the issues at hand.
You already showed good judgment in calling a crisis hotline. Hopefully, they helped you find some resources so that you can get to work on these issues right away.
Please understand that we’re rooting for you.
Post # 10
@ doctorgirl: I know what I did was terrible. I did feel trapped, like you said, and I literally was backed into the corner of the room and he was grabbing me by the arms to try to calm me down. I can’t take back what I did or the things I said and I feel completely helpless. I have been feeling much more anxious lately, partly due to all the wedding stress. I already see a counselor a few times a month and luckily my next appointment is today. Thanks, I really do appreciate your insight.
Post # 11
There have been some excellent points here.
I thought I’d add a male perspective. It’s very common for men to retreat when there is a fight – whereas women will often want to discuss the issue immediately. It sounds like with your FI, that instinct is extremely strong… every single time you’ve fought, he’s physically left you for up to a week.
I know that if a girl slapped me, I wouldn’t take it too seriously (I am not condoning violence, I am just sharing what my personal reaction would be). However, I would also probably leave for some time. I wouldn’t move my things out though, especially without telling my partner first.
One practical thought: if you guys reached a resolution to the fight and then he subsequently decided to move out… either he changed his mind after sleeping on it, or he talked to someone who changed his mind. Whoever that person is, they are calling the shots here and you’ll have to earn that person’s forgiveness just as much as you have to earn your FI’s.
I’m so sorry for all this, and hope that you and your FI are able to resolve things soon.
Post # 12
I’ve been in your situation but we don’t live together. In my experience, things escalated and I reacted instead of responding properly when he restrained me so I couldn’t slap/punch/bite etc him and that made me feel victimized and trapped even more. We went to see a therapist and a few suggestions she gave us for the future would be although you as a female would like to get the problem settled asap, it may not be a male’s method, they’d prefer to just let it die rather than find "closure". So before things can climax to worse, we had to be able to recognize at what point to just remove ourselves from the situation until we can approach a fight logically and return it from an argument to a discussion. It may take a 30 minute walk or a few days, it depends on each person.
I hope this helps.
Post # 13
First of all ((Hugs))! I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through this. I agree that you should think about talking to a counselor, even just a couple of times, to get you through the next couple days.
It sounds like you guys have gone through similar fights in the past. I know the wedding, the rings, the dress, is really exciting, but in the end its the marriage that should be your main concern. Is this type of thing going to happen every time you have a major disagreement? Is that something you’re willing to risk trying? I think maybe if he’s not talking to you, you should take a little time to yourself, and think about what you would recommend if your best friend was going through a similar situation.
Good luck with all this. I hope everything works out for the best!!
Post # 14
Hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs.
You are going to be okay.
Food for thought: This behavior has happened before. You thought that getting engaged, making this more profound commitment to eachother, was going to change things between you, was going to fix it. But your old behaviors remain. Probably it’s going to be like this when you’re married too. Marriage won’t change this part of you or this aspect of your relationship. Are you ready for that?
p.s. more hugs!
Post # 15
I want to offer some hugs to you. I can’t imagine how stressed out you must be right now. I’m glad that you’ve been taking some steps to work through what’s going on–talking to your counselor and calling the crisis line. It takes a lot to be able to reach out for help when you need it, so good for you.
I had the same thought as Chelseamorning, if this has happened before and your engagement didn’t change things, I wouldn’t be surprised if it continues after marriage. I know it’s hard to deal with conflict, but relationships/marriages can be hard at time. I think it would be challenging to deal with issues if one partner considers just leaving a good coping strategy. This would be something I’d want to address with him, possibly with the help of a counselor.
Big hugs to you. 🙂
Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
This relationship sounds abusive all around–you’re slapping him, and he’s repeatedly abandoning you rather than dealing with issues. I think you need to go to counseling together before you move forward with the engagement.