Post # 1
I am posting this under an anonymous account…
Well. Today I caught my FI in a lie, which to be honest, I don’t understand why he made in the first place. I really don’t want to compromise our relationship over this. I really would appreciate constructive advice and thoughts on dealing with this matter.
Today, my FI was working until 5:30 pm. Around 5, I went and opened the window of our apartment, which looks out over the parking lot. I couldn’t help but notice that his car was in the parking lot. It was obvious it was his car, not just from the make and model, but because he has some distinctive cosmetic damage to his car door. I was confused, and not sure what to make of it, because I knew he wasn’t supposed to be home until 5:45. I texted him and asked him if he was still at work, and he replied yes. He came home around 5:45, and I asked him about his car. He said he didn’t know what I was talking about. I dropped it, and we ate dinner. Thinking about it, I brought it up again. He finally admitted he did come home early, and was talking to his grandmother on his cell phone. To me, this excuse didn’t make sense. Why would you lie about calling your grandmother? I said this, and flat out asked him to see his cell phone log. (I feel terrible I asked this, but ugh, I was so sure he was lying.) He produced his cell phone, and went to the call log. It was empty. He acted puzzled and said he couldn’t figure out why it was all empty. I flat out suggested it was because he deleted it himself, and asked him again what he was actually doing. Finally, he admitted he was lying about his excuse, and that actually, when he got home early, he went downstairs to the common area in our apartment building to watch football. He said he didn’t want to upset me with not wanting to spend time with me immediately after coming home from work.
Of course, I am upset he lied. He made this into a huge thing that it didn’t need to be. He made me feel totally paranoid about this, and he lied so many times, instead of just telling me the truth. 🙁
I don’t want to break up, but I am worried about how easily he lied about this. What are your thoughts and advice? Has anyone been in a similar situation?
Post # 3
Hmmm. This all sounds fishy. All of those lies so he could watch football? Good luck with this guy, I smell a rat, but I hope for your sake I’m wrong :/
Post # 4
I hope that your date is correct, anyway, I think I would have to tell him that it would take me some time to be able to trust him again.
Post # 5
I… would be very suspicious about this. On one hand, that’s a really flimsy story, but on the other hand, who would make up such a terrible lie?
Post # 6
Well, if his car was in the parking lot of your apartment building, then obviously he was nearby. Either something fishy is up and it’s going on in your apartment building or he really was watching football. It is possible he did not want to upset you about not hanging out together right away, but then again, it sounds a little strange to be so secretive. And besides, he couldn’t have even watched a full football game in that amount of time…so it is a little suspicious.
Post # 7
Was his call log already cleared when he opened it or did he clear it immediately before showing you to try and erase evidence that he never called his grandmother? If it was already cleared before you asked to see it, I would be concerned that he was on the phone with someone else he didn’t want you to know about. Either way, lying sucks. Couples don’t have to spend every moment together and it’s fine that he wanted to watch a game and have some alone time, but lying about it is really immature and makes the situation into something negative. If it came up again, I would tell him that I wasn’t bothered about his need for some alone time but that his lying was hurtful and unnecessary.
Post # 8
I think at this point the thing to stress is about how you always prefer honesty, even if the truth irritates you, it is much less upsetting for the truth than to discover a lie. There are a lot of things I can work on forgiving and forgetting, but lie to me about them and the issue is suddenly 100000x worse.
My ex habitually lied, not because some evil malicous secret (well, usually) but because he was so conditioned from other people to be a people pleaser and to say whatever the person he was talking to most wanted to hear. Usually it was totally pointless and innocent things, but the fact that he felt the need to lie over them was a way bigger issue than whatever he was lying about.
I think when you have both cooled down and have a little less defensiveness on his side and less raw emotion on yours, you need to sit down and talk about WHY he felt like he had to lie about where he was and you need to examine if there are certain things and ways you react to make him think that was his only option. I am not saying that it is in any way your fault that he lied, he totally has all that responsibility on him, but sometimes we do things we don’t realize that convey messages we dont mean (like, I will freak out on you for not coming straight home to me from work) that make other people think they have to preemptivley react.
Post # 9
Did something happen to him at work? Why did he leave early?
Well…. if he was up to no good, driving back home and parking under your window doesn’t make him sound like the greatest schemer. Maybe he was upset about something work related and needed some time to calm down…. or I don’t know. I agree that lying was unnecessary and dumb.
Post # 10
I’d believe the football thing if he hadn’t deleted his call log. Maybe the football thing IS true, but wtf with the call log? I don’t like that.
Post # 11
Would you normally get mad if he didn’t immediately come in to the apartment to hang out with you? If not, then I don’t know how much I would actually trust that answer =/ I’m sorry I can’t help that much. Hope things work out for you!
Post # 12
Was his call log already deleted? If so, I think he’s up to no good, here’s why.
He first said he didn’t know what you were talking about, which shows he made up the lie about his grandma on the spot. Why would his calls have been deleted if he hadn’t planned on telling you that in the first place?
Have you ever given him reason to think you’d be mad if he wanted to watch football after work? If not, I just don’t understand why he’d bother creating a lie. Is he going through a hard time? Sometimes people like to be alone if they’re sad or angry and he may not have wanted to talk about it.
Anyway, i’d have a serious talk to him and explain that lying is almost always worse than the act itself and that it’s not ok, for any reason. It creates trust issues. I hope it was an innocent, absent minded lie.
Post # 13
@Lovemelovemyhorses: I completely agree.
I’m generally not a suspicious person, but the fact that it seems as though he deleted his call log before even coming into the house is setting off alarm bells for me.
Post # 14
As someone who’s ex would lie about who they were talking too. I would be weery about empty call logs.
Post # 15
I hope I am wrong, but I think he was talking to someone else.
Why would his call log be deleted unless there was something he didn’t want you to see?
Post # 16
The fact that he deleted the call log is very strange. He must be covering up for talking to someone else…why else would there not be a log of normal calls?