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On a positive note, it's only 6 months. I actually know quite a few couples who have work schedules like this, though, and it seems to work just fine for them!
My husband and I were separated for two years while I was in NYC and he was in Nashville. I'm not going to lie and say it was easy... but we got through it just fine. And we only saw each other about once a month so you're way ahead of us. I think you should do it in the interest of his career. And honestly, with all the wedding planning you'll be doing 6 months will FLY by!
Luckily it is two cities that are fairly close together. The train runs between Boston and NYC.
I'm sorry. I'm sure this sucks. I know it's not the same but every other week but FI works the overnight shift and I see him for exactly 45 minutes in the morning between when he gets home and when I leave. So for a week straight, I only see him 45 min a day.
Thank God for the internet. You two can still email pictures of wedding items back and forth.
Again, I'm sorry because I know it's not fun :(
@ejs4y8: Normally I'd think it'd be fine. Because we could trade weekends (i.e. I'd go up to him, and he'd come down to me).
I'm just worried with the added stress of wedding planning it might be bad, especially since he likes being involved in the planning.
We did a year of long distance when I was still in college, but this feels different.
it's temporary! i would go for it as long as they pay for his housing in boston. fi and i haven't personally done this yet, but the opportunity for me to go on a detail away for 3-6 months is a real possibility. i would jump at the chance -- it would definitely be difficult for me to be away so much, but at the same time i think we would value our weekends together even more. and it would be a great career move.
@kitzy: I'm just worried that temporary will morph into permanent/get continually extended.
My husband works out of state 6 months a year, every year. He only gets to come home maybe twice over those 6 months, and I fly to see him 3-4 times.
It sucks for sure. He missed a lot of our wedding planning (He left in March, and got home mid-September) since our wedding was in December.
BUT, that being said - we are an amazingly happy couple, and we just do it. We stay connected by talking on the phone, Skype, writing letters, emails, sending each other gifts, etc.
Honestly, when he is home, I appreciate him so, so much more and value our time together.
You can do it girl!
I would just take it a day at a time. Just look at it as a 6 month thing for now but if later on it seems like things are going well there and they want him to move there, consider if he should look for a new job where you live or if you want to look for a job where he is or whatever other decision you make.
It sounds like it is good for his career and isn't too long for right now.
@Lindsay12.31.2010: Thanks!
I know we can do it, I guess just a small part of me is being selfish and doesn't want him to go.
I also know a lot of his close friends just moved to NYC and he'll be sad to be away from them too.
I'm hoping he can get more information about the position and what kind of opportunity it is.
They would pay for his housing as well as transportation back to NYC.
Also, we may have to move in May/June and I don't want to have to orchestrate that all by myself (I have NO idea how one would go about moving his fish tank!)
@KatNYC2011: If it does turn into that would you be willing to move to Boston? If not, he needs to be upfront with the company about the fact that it's not an option for this position to go permanent. It would be more damaging to his career to waste the company's time by going up to Boston, becoming part of the flow of business in the office up there, but then being unwilling to stay on long term.
Oooo gotcha with the wedding planning. Email/skype, or assign individual tasks I guess?
Don't worry about it getting extended until it does!
Before DH and I moved to NYC we lived in MI.. He was a consultant and was gone Monday - Thursday, home late Thursday or Friday morning and gone again Sunday night or Monday morning.. It was SUPER tough, but we made it through it.. It gets hard when he calls and is out with clients having fun and you're home doing laundry or paying bills.. I was jealous because I wanted to be hanging out with him or because he was out having fun without me.. It also puts a damper on your weekends, I lost a few friends because I was always with him every weekend and didn't make time for my friends anymore because when he's gone Monday - Friday and all you want to do is spend Saturday & Sunday with him...
All you can do is see how it works for you guys, would he be able to do it on a trial basis without jeapordizing his career? I wish you luck and strength, it is not easy but it can be done. :)
@Moose1209: I probably would eventually, but not for at least another 2-3 years. I don't know enough about Boston to be willing to making that kind of commitment now. Plus, it would be detrimental to my career to move to Boston.
@KatNYC2011: Haha, I totally understand. I had to move us to our new apartment two years ago in July without him. It sucked beyond words. Thankfully my parents came to help!
DH and I do this every single week and will for an indefinte (possibly forever) timeframe. DH does healthcare consulting so he travels every single week and is just around for weekends.
Honestly - it really isn't that bad, especially if you are working all day too. You basically lose a few hours in the evenings during the week when you could be spending time together (as you'd both be working or asleep the rest of the day). Phone calls most nights are a must for me but beyond that, it really doesn't phase me. And it just makes the time you are together on the weekends that much more special!
Especially with this being temporary, I would try to not worry about it too much. Once you start doing it, you'll realize it isn't as bad as you imagine it in your head (I can say this from experience - I thought that I would HATE DH's and my arrangement). I'm not going to lie - it would be really nice to have him there every evening and I certainly won't complain if his job situation changes and that becomes reality. But him travelling each week is certainly not as horrible as I expected!
@KatNYC2011: I'm biased because I'm from Boston and lived in NYC for a while and I much prefer Boston : ) But if you are the breadwinner (or an equal earner) it definitely doesn't make sense to sacrafice your career for his. I would just try to get as much information as possible from the employer and then go from there. One benefit is that since your wedding is in Maine your FI will be closer to the site in case you need to get up there for anything!
I think that this is coming at a difficult time, but ultimately it isn't that bad of an arrangement. It's only 6 months and doing something like that sounds like it would be HUGE for his career, so the sacrifice isn't too large. And Boston is close enough to here that as long as they were flexible with him getting in late Monday and leaving early Friday it won't be that bad.
@Moose1209: He's the breadwinner, but really only because he earns overtime (otherwise our salaries are fairly even and there is a lot of room for growth where I am currently).
The main issue I'm having with it is timing (wedding planning & possibly moving). He was offered a similar position in London in December but turned it down because it wasn't logistically feasible.
Boston is much more logistically feasible but the timing still isn't great.
Now it looks like they want someone to move to that office permanently. They really want him to do it, but I am not ready to sacrifice my career and I love NYC.
He's going to discuss temporary options, but this whole thing is just adding stress. I don't want him to be held back in his career because of mine, but at the same time I don't want to do something detrimental to my career for his.
@KatNYC2011: Would it be possible for you guys to move somewhere in between NYC and Boston and then each of you could commute into your respective cities for work? Then neither of you are having to sacrafice great careers/opportunities and you are still living together.
(Disclaimer: I have never lived in the NE and have only visited once so I don't know if, distance-wise, this would be at all feasible).
When I was getting my Master's my FI (then boyfriend) was 6 hrs away working. We got to see each other every other weekend, or when money was tight, one a month. It was in the beginning of our relationship too, so it was a struggle. But the thing that helped was keeping busy. I had school and friends, but made time every day to talk to him. Getting through that time period made us realize that we could get through anything. I think LDR works, as long as there's an end in sight, which it sounds like there is here!
My dad and mom worked this way a few times throughout my childhood when a job opportunity arose in another state and someone had to stay behind till the house sold. It can work, if you want it to.
I noticed you wrote later that you don't want to sacrifice something for his career and vice versa. What if this had happened after you were married? Would you have moved for him? Would he have stayed for you?
@Mrs.KMM: Boston and NYC are 4 hrs apart (and that's without traffic). I can't see us doing a 2+ hr commute each way.
@jenewitt: We will make career/moving decisions together. He needs to get more details on the position. If the new position doubles his salary, then I'd be more inclined to move. Also, if he was IN LOVE with the idea of moving to Boston permanently, I'd be more apt to move.
We've talked a lot about other places we'd want to live, and Boston is not one of them. We want to live abroad, and I'd love to live back on the west coast for a bit (he likes the idea of SFO).
I would move for his career and he would move/stay for mine but the reward for moving would have to be large for the other to do something detrimental.
We are long distance. I live about 2 hours from him. I had to move in order to take a job in this terrible market.
We split weekends-- one weekend he comes here, the other I go there. I work nights, so during the week we only chat on the phone for a few minutes a day.
It's hard, but sometimes you do what has to be done. He makes more money and is further along in his career than I am, so he can't move to be with me. We agreed we would do this for a year and then either decide to make a move and each have a 1hr+ commute, or one of us would leave and move closer to the other.
I won't say it's easy, or fun, but it's a survivable situation. If this person is really the one for you, you can have a frank conversation with your boss about your advancement prospects in the next year or so, and he can do the same. Use that information to make a more informed decision.
When I met DH he traveled for work every week and was only home on the weekends. Its really doable and not that bad. We'd talk every night and email during the day.
Does he know when he will be traveling? That makes a little bit of a difference too. DH flew out on Sunday nights and flew back Thursday nights, or flew out Monday morning and flew back Friday afternoon. So he was usually home by the time I got home from work on Friday and we had all weekend to spend together.
Honestly, DH hardly travels now, but when he does, I secretly love it. I get the house to myself and don't have to worry about anyone else (except our dog). Obviously I miss him, but its nice to have my own space from time to time.
There are also perks to this situation. I'm guessing he'll rack up crazy amounts of hotel points - which you could use on your honeymoon. If he flies instead of taking the train, he'll earn lots of miles which could also be used on your honeymoon.
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Beekeeper
FI and I currently live together in NYC.
The head of his company's office in Boston just quit. His company is asking him to consider a temporary (6 month or so) transfer to Boston.
Basically he'd commute there for the week and come home on weekends.
Has anyone ever done something like this with their SO?
We've been living together 3 years and I'm used to him taking business trips, but I'm not sure how I'd handle him only being around on weekend (especially since it'd be in the height of planning our wedding).
I want to support him in his career, but I also worry that this might be bad for our relationship.
I'd love to hear about others experiences with this.