FI Needs Me To Be "Saved"?

posted 3 years ago in Christian
Post # 3
Member
757 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@anongirl:  I’m sorry you’re going through this.  I think this pastor is grossly misguided.  There are many inter-faith marriages that are successful, and it’s all about understanding and accepting one another.  It sounds like you’re willing to do this for your fiance, but he is not willing to do this for you.  Have you considered counseling, outiside of the church?

Post # 4
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

@anongirl:  I am anti religion, so I will let the other bees guide you in that area.  But I would not be interested in being with someone who talks to one person (even if they are a pastor) and then changes their entire mind about our future.

When you marry someone you marry them for who they are, not who you hope they become. If you don’t share his beliefs then you don’t.  You can’t want it into action.

Post # 5
Member
4072 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@anongirl:  I think you can go to the classes, but it seems clear you have no intentions of “being saved,” and therefore I guess you two need to part. I’m sure he feels he cannot be “unequally yoked” to you, meaning the relationship will not be on an equal field spiritually. I’m sure he wants to be with someone who shares his same beliefs and will go on that spiritual journey with him, and although you are supportive, you won’t be on that same journey following the Christian god.

Religion is a dealbreaker for a lot of people, and for your FI it seems to be. If you truly have no interest in becoming a Christian, then I think you need to let him go. You can’t fake it, and if he’s unwilling to be with someone who doesn’t share his beliefs, then I don’t see what can be done.

So maybe go to the classes and see how that is, but if at the end nothing changes, then I think you’ll have your answer.

It’s such a sucky situation, and I am really sorry you’re going through it.

Post # 6
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think you should be open to going to the classes for the learning experience, as you said, but explain to your FI that you don’t see it as working toward converting to his religion or being “saved”. If you explain that you are open to his faith but you expect him to also be open to yours, and that is not good enough for him, then I think you have your answer. As hard as it is, I don’t think he is the right guy for you if he pushes this.

Post # 7
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

As someone who grew up non-religious in a very Baptist place (Texas) I will say: run. If he needs you to be saved, then he needs you to be someone you aren’t. Him and his family will feel that way forever. Everyone deserves to be in a relationship where their most basic beliefs are shared and respected! I find that the Baptists I knew were not capable of accepting people who did not believe as they did, especially in a marriage.

Post # 8
Member
1649 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You should tell your fiance that these classes will most likely not change your beliefs. He needs to know this before the classes begin just so he understands the classes won’t change you.

I’m Christian and I only told FI to respect my beliefs. I can’t expect him to be a part of it (although he seems to be warming up to it). 

 

Post # 9
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@anongirl:  You’re willing to support him in his journey, go to church with him (in a supportive/non believing role) and are willing to go to these classes to learn about his faith. That seems like a hell of a lot to be willing to do and I’m so impressed! I find it odd that you asked him the question “If I didn’t go to the classes…” because that isn’t really what you want to know, is it? You’re willing to go to the classes.

It seems like the question is really “What would happen if I went to church and to the classes, all to support your faith and know more about it, but didn’t accept Jesus as my savior? Are you willing to support my belief system like I am willing to support yours?

Now, I totally get what his pastor is saying, though I don’t necessarily agree with it. He’s working on the assumption that in order to have a Baptist household, everyone in it has to be Baptist because the faith has to drive every decision. As someone raised Catholic, I understand that thinking. You and your fiance have a lot more to talk about than just “will I go to these classes” but I think the classes are a good place to start, IF he’s willing to accept that you are going for educational (and not salvation) purposes. 

Post # 10
Member
855 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

@anongirl:  Quite honestly, I don’t understand how one who is set on a certain faith gets this seriously involved with someone who doesn’t share the same faith in the same way they do. You’re “indifferent” (for lack of a better term) about religion. He’s gung ho about his. That’s a marriage that’s not going to work. I don’t think you should attend church and bible study just to be present and support him, you need to get something out of it as well.

The bible states that you shouldn’t be unequally yoked with your spouse. That’s what the pastor was referring to. A Christian isn’t supposed to marry a non-Christian. Religion is supposed to be a foundation. It’s supposed to be where you’re supposed to turn when everything else goes wrong. It’s supposed to be how you start your day and end your night. For some of us, it’s monumentally important. One of the very first questions I asked my now husband on our first date was “are you a Christian” and how often and to what extent he’s involved in the church. The wrong answer and we wouldn’t be where we are today.

We live in a Christian home, our kids are raised in a Christian home and in a Christian environment. There is no in between because it’s important to both of us. Flighty is going to upset him eventually, so both of you have a decision to make. It’s not smart for either of you to make a decision based on love alone, it’s not fair for him to expect you to attend church become saved and baptized if that’s not who you are, but it’s also not fair for you to expect him to disregard something that’s so important to him. It’s not his favorite blankie or jacket, it’s his salvation and if he’s that into Christianity, the responsibility for religious training in the home falls upon the man. He’ll be judged for that.

Post # 11
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@akirasan:  +1

My SO and I were both raised Catholic but he’s pretty much agnostic bordering on atheist. I’m more of a not-really-practicing but still fairly Catholic kind of Catholic. I’ve been discussing going back to church (or maybe trying an Episcopal church) lately and he’s totally supportive and just said “I can’t promise I’ll go with you every week” which, of course, I wouldn’t expect him to. 

Post # 12
Member
11379 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@jasonkatie2014:  i agree.

 

@anongirl:  you should do what you feel is important to you and your relationship.  if you are having doubts about “converting”, there is a reason why.  listen to your gut.  if your fi is not willing to have an inter-faith marriage, maybe it’s best you don’t get married.  there needs to be a compromise.

i am actually surprised that your fi would be allowed to marry again in a baptist church with him being divorced.  i know that many baptist churches do not allow that.

Post # 13
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@anongirl: I would agree to go to the classes, but be very clear that you have no intention of converting.  Even if I were to go to these classes and feel an urge to convert, I’d wait until after I was married to do so.  Just to be sure that I wanted to convert and wasn’t being subtley pressured into anything.

Learning about your SO’s faith is important imo because it leads to a better understanding of their morals and beliefs, and also where they came from.  I’m Catholic and my SO is 100% agnostic (he is very clear that he believes very little of what I do, with regards to God, etc.).  We discuss our religious beliefs, and he has actually taken classes on his own to learn more about it before we get married.  His beliefs don’t follow any major religion, so I ask him often about why he believes certain things/ where a thought on morals come from.

With that said, if he told me I had to give up my faith in favour of his before he would marry me, I’d be out the door in a second.  I’d actually laugh in his face as I packed my bags, I’m pretty sure.  I would find it very disrespectful and condescending if he told me my beliefs weren’t good enough for him to marry me, especially after such a long relationship throughout which he knew my beliefs!

That’s a crappy situation to be in, especially to be dropped on you so suddenly.  I hope you guys can work through this.

Post # 14
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

This is a difficult subject, one that if ignored now could be difficult in your later life. I come from a interfaith divorced family, my father is Muslim and my mother Orthodox-christian and I have to tell you it has been so difficult. My mother told me that before they had children it was not much discussed and all was well, but things became difficult once there were children, my mother wanted to Baptist me and he would not let her, he also would not let her celebrate Christmas, now I am not saying that it could get that severe but I can tell you that neither one of my parents thought that religion would play such a big part in their lives after having children. They pulled me each and when I finally (certainly not completely willingly at that time, kinda was pulled towards my mothers believe) became baptist when I was 14, my father disowned me and did not speak to me for several years. That was the most difficult time of my life.


 I have since become a Christian in my on way and my father and I have reconciled but it has never been the same, for example we have not spoken in 2 years and he is not going to be at my wedding. Again, I’m just giving you a bit of background on my life as a product of two people that were not very religious to begin with but had always had deep roots in their respective religion that become very important when it comes to how to raise your children. I will tell you this, when I was growing up I knew I did not care if my future husband was White, Black, tall or short but the one thing he would be is of the same faith and believe as me. I’m truly sorry that he has come to this realization so late and hopefully it will work out for you both, who knows maybe he will lead you to a path you never thought of going. I don’t think that this is a precedence for your future life but I can understand the fight he has within himself about doing what is right by his faith, I just wish you would not be hurt by this.

Post # 15
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@DJones69:  As long as a couple has the same basic beliefs about life (for example, agreeing on how you feel children should be raised), I don’t see why a ‘mixed marriage’ shouldn’t work.  My Fi and I are not the same religion, but we agree on most subjects.  We have both agreed to not use birth control, he has agreed that I will raise our children Catholic while I agree that he will also share his beliefs with our children (we will also educate them about protestant faiths, Judaism, Islam, etc to the best of our ability.)  We both believe that children should be exposed to varying viewpoints while being taught what we believe to be truth.

I think a relationship in which one person refuses to respect the other’s beliefs may be doomed, but every couple has differing opinions.

Post # 16
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@andielovesj:  +1000.

Said it PERFECTLY.

 

I too feel that when you marry someone, you marry them for who they ARE, not for who you might try to make them become…

It’s also striking a nerve with me that your FI would change his feelings about you and the engagement and the marriage altogether based on ONE person’s word (and that pastor truly does sound misguided…). I feel that because he’s putting so much into the pastor’s words that he is doubting his love for you or for your future together, which to me is a terrible thing. 🙁

I wish for the best for you both, and I hope he wakes up and realizes that he has a wonderful, patient, supportive, and loving fiance who he should put a little more faith and trust and love into!

 

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