Post # 1
I’m going to try and keep this short and concise in hopes more people will read/respond to it and help me out.
My FI is a great guy – sweet, caring, honest, etc. However he is very inexperienced in relationships – in fact I was his first “real” relationship.
My needs are not being met. First of all I don’t feel that he makes an effort to do random acts of kindness for me unless I ask him to do so – which IMO defeats the purpose and makes it feel less special. Generally I will let him know I’m feeling a little un appreciated and then BAM huge act of kindness within a few days. And then? Back to the norm.
We’ve had this conversation time and time again and it always ends the same way: he’s “on” for a week or so tops, then back to the same. I truly don’t believe this is just who he is, I believe he needs a little training since he hasn’t had any relationship experience beyond me.
To add a bit more, there are also some performance anxiety issues so my sexual needs aren’t always satisfied AND FI is in the military and is in a position in which he is gone almost half the time due to his certain job.
Today we had this discussion again, and I told him I would just write out literally EXACTLY what I want and need in terms of acts/non-acts of love that he could put in his day planner so it would be at the front of his mind.
Now I’m having second thoughts. Will it feel less special if I have to verbally tell him: “do this, and this, and this, PLEASE”? Is this the norm for being with someone who has no relationship history?
Please advise me a little, Bees. He’s not speaking my love language – and yes, we’ve read the book and discussed our needs. It’s just not sticking with him. He can’t seem to keep it in the front of his mind. Our wedding date is about 9 months away, and I can see myself postponing the wedding if we can’t figure this out. I NEED this, especially when marrying someone who will be gone so often.
Thanks for reading.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry. That’s a difficult one because it sounds like he cares about you. Can you be more specific on what things he falls short on? I mean is he generally neglectful?
I was my FI’s first in the bedroom, so I can understand how that might be awkward for a while. In that specific case, I literally did just tell him what I like. That (and practice ) definitely helped because he just didn’t KNOW what to do.
I don’t think he needs a list of things to do regularly for you, but have you sat down and told him how severely this is upsetting you? I know I kid around with my FI about how he isn’t always the most sensitive person to my needs, but I do know that he cares and that he always tries to be there for me. He’s no Nicolas Sparks novel, but I don’t expect that. Maybe he just needs to know how much this is bothering you. Sorry if this didn’t help at all. 🙁 Best of luck!
Post # 4
I’m glad to see that you would consider postponing over this. To me, meeting my emotional needs is one of the key reasons I even have a long term relationship, So i wuld consider this prpblem a huge deal! I can get my sexual needs met without that sort of commitment! Have you guys considered counselling? I actually don’t think that scheduling stuff in is a terrible idea because it will help him to learn what it’s like to act the way you need him to, and eventually he won’t need to schedule in these things.
Post # 5
I highly recommend the book “the 5 love languages” My fiance and I read it together and it really helped us both understand what eachother needs to feel loved. I think it’s important to read it together.
There is also a website with a little quiz where you can figure out your ‘primary love language’ and I found it helpful before we started reading the book. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/
Sorry I don’t mean to sound like an advertisment or anything, but it really helped us so if it could help your situation at all, I feel like it’s worth a shot.
Post # 6
haha oops just realized you already read the book! Sorry about that 😉
Post # 7
He’s certainly not neglectful, I feel like he falls short when it comes to doing the “little” things. He does provide a nice life for us while I’m in school, he encourages me with his words, and he does compliment me a lot (which is something he struggled with before but then improved on). Around the house I’ve asked him to please make the bed and empty/fill the dishwasher (my 2 least favorite tasks) and I take care of everything else. He forgets to do both of those things without prompt often. I’ve asked for little things, cards, notes, the occasional flowers or planned nights out, perhaps noticing I’m short on my favorite drink at home or my cereal (for instance) and picking it up just because. Those little acts of kindness, un provoked, are really what I need.
I also REALLY need our bedroom life to improve. We’ve been together awhile, but like I said, he’s gone SO much due to his job. It’s not so much awkward as it is that he loses it or it doesn’t get THAT hard (TMI?) and then doesn’t feel good for me. If we get into a position he’s un familiar with he gets performance anxiety and “it” goes away. It’s frustrating. And again, due to his job, there’s little he can do. I can’t go into a ton of detail on his work but basically his medical file could cause a huge issue with what he does in the military. I feel like that aspect may never improve. : ( Thanks for replying, I appreciate it.
Post # 8
Gosh, I am so thankful you see my point! I’m not talking about ANYONE directly on this site (I’m so new that I don’t “know” anyone yet!) but I have many friends getting married/engaged right now and there are so many unresolved issues but they are still pushing forward. I want us to be forever, so I NEED to see that he can make strides towards making this issue better, otherwise I can’t commit to be with someone for my entire life that doesn’t meet my needs. We’ve discussed this SO many times in the last year (timeframe in which it really began getting to me) and today was the first time I mentioned postponing the wedding.
Post # 9
No worries, you’re right, it IS a great book. In fact your post inspired me to go back and take the test again. Turns out my needs have changed quite a bit since we read it together and took the test about a year ago. This may be a lot of the problem….but regardless, even when I had different love languages, those needs weren’t fully met either – but they were closer than this….for sure.
Post # 10
Awww….sounds like you are frustrated and I completely understand. I think its important for you to remember that whatever habits any of us have, they do not form overnight. If he is used to being a “guys guy(especially if he is in the military),” it isn’t going to be easy for him to change just like that. The best thing about what you said that he actually listens when you tell him how you feel. It maybe for only a few days that his behavior changes but at least he is trying. So try to be patient with your SO. Honestly, I had a similar experience with my FI. I was his 1st serious relationship, and trust me when I say he had A LOT to learn. But I think the thing that helped him most was that I tried my hardest to lead by example. For instance, when we first started dating his idea of romance was pretty lame. Standard dinner and a movie. What I did was suggest we go somewhere really special at least once a month(we went to dinner, movies, parks, etc throughout the month so those options were not allowed) and take turns planning our “date.” I even volunteered to go first and made sure that I planned something that would make him see what I have in mind when I think of being romantic. This act, of leading by example filtered into our everyday lives…I would write little sticky notes with” sweet nothings” and leave them around for him to find, and also write emails, buy an occasional card or even a hand written love not…it sounds corny but guess what the result was? 3 years later and he’s more romantic than me! He really keeps me on my toes and I always have to remember to keep that “leading by example” mentality. Now, I don’t know if this will work for you, but maybe it is worth a shot. I think it may be a little more effective than just writing out instructions and hoping that he gets it.
Post # 11
Can I ask how long you guys have been sexually active for? My FI also experienced some performance anxiety, but it really got a lot better in time. Now it is truly like having sex with a different person! Is there any medical issue, or do you think it is strictly a confidence thing?
As far as your emotional needs… they are important. I understand what you are saying, because I have have wanted more surprises- romantic notes and other things. My FI has made more of an effort, and I have tried to appreciate more the things that he loves doing that are romantic- kissing my hand in the car, hugging me randomly, etc. I agree that he can change , though. It might not ever be exactly what you want, but the effort is what matters.
I just do want to point out that maybe your FI is feeling a little overwhelmed with his job where he is gone so much. Maybe it is hard for him to juggle all this, you know? I don’t know more beyond what you said, but I am just throwing it out there as a possibility.
Post # 12
If he is not what you want, why try and change him?
I don’t think this is a lack of experience. I think this is a difference in core values / needs in a relationship.
If you stay with him you will always want more than he can give. You will ALWAYS have to tell him everything that you want. Which will make EVERYTHING he does not enough. So, he will eventually just stop trying because even when he gives more than he naturally would… it is not enough. And you will be frustrated because you have to tell him every little thing.
Let him find a woman who has needs that match what he naturally gives. And you find a man who naturally gives what you need.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY
Just remember, you cannot change someone. As hard as we may try.