FI puts everyone else before me (Rant)

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
  • poll:
    My SO does this stuff all the time. It's a guy thing : (12 votes)
    17 %
    My SO has done this. But not often. : (25 votes)
    36 %
    My SO did this once. JUST ONCE! : (3 votes)
    4 %
    My SO has never, and would never do anything like this. : (30 votes)
    43 %
  • Post # 3
    4441 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall

    @Anna10-05-2014:  I’d be pissed too, mostly because I don’t take vacations day for no reason.  But this is probably going to happen again in the course of your wedding planning, [Mmost] guys just don’t care (even when it’s CAKE!).

    Post # 4
    2851 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Sounds like my FI… He’s a people pleaser, but is sure to please everyone besides me first. Very annoying.

    Post # 5
    1729 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013 - Walt Disney World

    Yes, I would be upset too, especially when you ran your change of plans by him.  It would have been considerate of him to repeat in kind.  Hugs!!

    Man, the cake was really the only thing DH was super excited about as far as wedding planning, lol.

    Post # 6
    9019 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Oh, no, this would not fly with me either.  I don’t blame you for being upset.  You demonstrated that you always put him first and take his feelings/plans, etc., into consideration before making decisions that affect him.  Therefore, he needs to give you the same courtesy in return.

    Don’t forget that you teach people how to treat you.  Don’t let this go.  You don’t have to have a screaming match with him about it, but you do definitely need to address this.  It is impolite and disrespectful for him to treat his future wife this way.  Not acceptable!

    Ask him to think long and hard about how he would feel if you treated him that way in return.  My gut feeling is he’s being a typical guy about it and it’s his ego getting in the way.  Men have this thing – they can’t stand being “told what to do,” and they never want to look – EVER – as if any woman in the world has any type of power or control over them.  So, be sensitive to this very real male trait.  It’s pretty universal.  It’s not necessarily bad – make it work in your favor.

    Tell him you need him to treat you with respect and consideration.  Tell him you RESPECT him and that he is your HERO.  And you expect a hero and a gentleman to treat his woman with the proper deference and respect at all times.  NOT because you control him.  But because he has chosen you above all others to share his life with and that is how the hero of your dreams – your future husband – behaves.  It’s actually a compliment to himself to treat you so highly.  Get him to see it that way, that’s the only way it will work, lol.  😉

    Post # 7
    5697 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    My husband doesn’t do this that I can think of. He pretty much always runs things by me if things need to be switched around or if he wants to make plans. I do the same thing. In my  mind, as a “we” you don’t just say “I’m doing this, too bad for you”. Our schedules coordinate with each other’s and we arein this together.

    Sounds like he does this often and really he should be more considerate. You aren’t just someone he’s dating, or his mom, or a friend, if he wants to spend his life with you he needs to learn to be considerate to your plans and feelings. Even if he did pick up the shift, its really about the fact that he just decided what he wanted to do without discussing it, when he should have run it by you first, just as you did for him.

    Post # 8
    1007 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Normally I would be on your side but you already rearranged plans so I don’t think you are the victim here.  He should definitely have run it by you first, but considering that you had already decided to make your friend a priority over him/your plans, you lost your right to bitch.  It’s not your place to judge whether his reasons for changing plans were any less worthy than yours, unless there’s some life or death factor you’re not telling us here (like your friend’s soul will be sold to the devil if she doesn’t get this thing recorded, whereas the coworker just doesn’t feel like getting up that day).  

    IMO, once you make something else a priority, you don’t have a leg to stand on when the other person does the same to you. 

    Post # 9
    3202 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Haha, I am definitely the beeyotch in the relationship, and my FI is a people pleaser. Sometimes people ask him for favors and he just.can’ It drives me batty, because I have no problem being like, “Uh, sorry, I’m busy.” Maybe that’s what happened here–the friend kind of put him on the spot and he was uncomfortable turning down the request.

    Once, my FI’s friends who were coming to stay the night with us brought FIVE FRIENDS with them, and he was like, “Uh, sure, you can stay here too.” Oh em gee.

    Post # 10
    9019 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @kgirl91:  But – the difference is she asked  him about helping her friend before agreeing to it, and made sure he was ok with it first. 

    He didn’t ask her opinion at all, he just TOLD her what the deal was. 

    Not cool!

    Post # 11
    1007 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @Sunfire:  Yeah, I agree that he should have asked her. But since she overturned their plans once to do something else, she doesn’t get to bitch when he does the same thing.  The post is about him “put[ting] everyone else before [her]”.  If it was about SOs not asking before changing plans, that would be a different story.  But she’s upset that he is putting a coworker before their plans when she herself put a friend before their plans. 

    Post # 12
    11772 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    DH has never done that, but he also works a set schedule, so there’s no picking up shifts.

    He does occasionally get called away on catastrophe duty (he works in insurance), but he can’t control that, and we usually get a few days of notice (though once he got 6 hours. That was fun!)

    Post # 13
    12875 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I think the only thing wrong is that he didnt mention it first to see if it was a big deal to you to miss it.  I think the outcome could have easily been the same, but the way you get there makes a big difference.  DH doesn’t have any idea what his schedule is like anyways so if he has to do something out of the ordinary he always checks with me to see if we had anything booked. 

    Post # 16
    2642 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @Anna10-05-2014:  Eh I can see how it would be annoying, but I don’t think it’s anything to get too upset over.  Yes, he should have ran it by you first instead of just bailing.  But since you already changed plans once, it probably didn’t think it was a big deal to change them again.

    I agree with @kgirl91:.  It sounds like you a being a bit hypocritical.  I obviously don’t know the whole story, but if you made it clear that you really needed/wanted to help your friend, what choice did your FI have?  Would you have been upset if he said no, you can’t help your friend?   He let you change plans and it seems as though he assumed you would give him the same courtesy. 

    I don’t think this is a case of him putting everyone else first, it sounds like a case of miscommunication.  I think I would talk to him and tell him you don’t mind that he picked up the extra shift, but you would appreciated that he double checked with you since you did already have plans.

    Also, if this is a reccuring thing, it might be that your FI is a people pleaser, and if he has to say no to someone it’s you because he figures you will be more understanding.

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