(Closed) FI really hurt my feelings :( (kind of long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

First off, I’m sorry that he made you feel that way.  I think you are really smart to stop and address this before you walk down the aisle.  Have you considered talking to a counselor or some kind of third party?  Sit down and have a talk with your FH and tell him that he can’t treat you like that, he should never have the right to chew you out because of anything. 

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I don’t blame you. I’ve never had my ass chewed out by my husband and I never will because I won’t put up with that crap and neither should you! He, for lack of better words, ‘knows better’ than to talk to me like that because it’s counterproductive! It’s not going to get him anywhere. Granted, i get that sometimes people are pissy and in a bad mood and fly off the handle….but there is a lot to be said about treating others the way we want to be treated.

What is his definition of “messY”….that you didn’t do the laundry? What are *your* chores and what are *his*?

I’d sit down and have a talk with him when he’s calm and say, “look. i get why you get upset that i can be a little messy, but i think you are being unrealistic. I can’t be everywhere all at once and it’s not like the house goes to hell in a handbasket. Instead of getting mad and frustrated with me about how messy i am and how i never do anything, i’d appreciate it if you just ask me when i’m going to do the laundry…chances are i will say “tomorrow, when i’m done with wedding stuff” but it’s unfair of you to talk to me like this and put me down and make me feel awful like this.”

If i were you, i’d be very angry. I don’t handle being talked down to or treated like that very well (seeing as how my father used to talk to and treat us like that as children, i become very resentful and angry immediately) and I don’t feel like as an adult you should ever be talked to you like that on a regular basis. If my husband talked to me like that, i’d probably say, “whoa….you need to chill out buddy” which usually puts him in his place, and the same goes for me. I can get irrational (last night….i went off the handle about how overwhelming it’ll be with both of us working full time, me in school, having kids, the house, etc, are we crazy?) and he was just like, “you need to take a deep breath” instead of flying back at me. It’s COUNTERPRODUCTIVE! Gets you nowhere.

Post # 5
Member
11327 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Have you tried counseling/therapy? I think it is a good idea for any couple pre-marriage just as a preemptive measure to ensure a happy union. When there is a specific problem though, I think it is super necessary. It is possible that he really does not understand how he makes you feel, or how much you do. It is possible that he has some other problem that he doesn’t bring up and it just comes out when he’s talking about chores? My bf does this sometimes. He is not generally confrontational so he sometimes does not bring up things I do that bother him until he explodes about something little. It has been a problem that we’ve really worked on.

I would tell him that you will not go through with a marriage until you speak to a counselor about your problems.

Post # 6
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ugh, my fiance does the same thing sometimes.  Like I’ll be right in the middle of something or NOT HOME and then he’ll start cleaning or somesuch thing and b*tch about how I never clean.

I was getting really frustrated so we sat down and made a chore/duties list.  He realized that I do things that he didn’t even realize (clip cats’ nails, unpack dishwasher, pick up things when we need them, etc.)  In addition, we made a “time” every two weeks or so to clean the house together from top to bottom.  We put a time limit on it, because my FI is sort of a crazy cleaning type who will start little projects and we’ll be stuck in the apartment all day. 

Post # 7
Member
799 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

First of all, I’m sorry you had an argument – fights stink.  I think you’re right when you said it would make things worse if you stopped cooking and cleaning.  I had a past relationship where we fought a lot, but now FI and I rarely fight.  We’re by no means perfect, and FI and I definitely argue and I do drop those lines, “geez, can you just put the dishes in the dishwasher for once.”  But, I think the difference is in those more complex issues, we can calm down quickly and pretty much talk about whats bothering us without screaming and storming out.  You can talk about it (emphasis on the word talk), allow each person to say their side without blaming.  I know it’s kind of corny ( can’t help it, I’m a social worker), but using “I” statements help a lot.  Just saying “I can’t help but disagree with what you’re saying.  I do think I carry my weight around the house, and if this system isn’t working for you, let’s talk about how we can change it.”  WHen one of you starts pointing the finger, name-calling, etc., calling you a slob (NOT nice!!!) and saying “you this” and “you that” the other immediately gets defensive and fights back. 

I can’t guarantee it, but it definitely works for my FI and me.  Good luck xoxoxo

Post # 8
Member
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

Wow… usually it’s the other way around – a woman chewing out a dude for not helping enough.

I think that (aside from being really pissed off), I’d think about how much I do or don’t do. I mean, really think about it. Mr. MJ and I each go through periods where we get pretty lazy.. sometimes I won’t do the dishes for a week and finally Mr. MJ does it. Or he doesn’t do any laundry until I finally have to do it. Was there maybe something in the laundry (like his favorite shirt) that he really wanted, and maybe he was driven by irrational emotion that said item wasn’t clean?

Also, do you both work, or does he work and you stay home? ‘Cause I guess if I was working and Mr. MJ was not working or not working as much, I’d get kinda ticked that he wasn’t picking up slack chore-wise.

Now, if I was being treated the way you are, and I thought about it and decided that he was really being irrational and mean, I would probably give it some time (a few hours, or a night, or whatever). Then I would bring it up and say exactly how i feel in the most mature way (i.e. not sobbing and yelling) possible.  Say that he really hurt my feelings with his comments about the laundry, admit that while yes, I have been busy with a lot of wedding tasks, I do feel that I’m still pulling my weight by doing X, Y, and Z. (And this is important:) Tell him that I appreciate him picking up my slack on A and B, also, and for so thoroughly taking care of C and D. I think this might open up a more civil conversation about both of your expectations as far as housework and other duties.

Post # 11
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

wow – is your FI my DH’s evil twin?????? seriously – that sounds EXACTLY down to details EXACTLY like the type of argument we’ve had in the past. In fact, the only thing we’ve EVER fought about is the fact that he’s a freakin’ super-neat freak and while I like to keep things neat and clean, I am a clutterbug…and so – he has it in his mind that I’m a slob – all because I don’t clean up after myself the SECOND I’m done with something.

I have NO problem leaving dishes in the sink – but omg, the second dinner’s done – he’s in the kitchen cleaning up and putting things away. I’d rather leave them for a few hours until i’m ready to clean up.

it’s gotten a LOT better and I almost have to force myself to clean up sometimes just so I don’t hear it from him – but sometimes I don’t feel like cleaning up until later! damnit!

to me – with my situation – I actually stopped doing things for a while mainly because I was sick TRYING to do stuff only to have him turn around and literally say “hey you missed a spot”…a couple of months ago – he did this and I let loose. I’m usually not one to use the tears…but I had cleaned up everything after dinner – put everything in the sink into the dishwasher and there was no clutter on the counters. BUT I didn’t (omg) I didn’t wipe down the stove and countertops with clorox. I was in the living room and he went into the kitchen and started saying cleaning and saying “god, how can you leave such a mess?” I was pissed – as I’d just cleaned up! (or so I thought…) So yeah – I started screaming and crying and told him “you HAVE to stop calling me a slob. just because i’m not the super-clean freak like you who has a rag and clorox in my hand 24 hours a day does NOT mean that I’m a slob! and why do you think I don’t do the laundry? because when I try to – you always say ‘you didn’t fold my clothes right’ so I just let you do it cuz I don’t wanna hear it!!!”

course, his thing was that he hated feeling like HE was the one always doing the “womanly chores” around the house (cleaning, cooking, dishes, laundry)…whereas I just knew that he was stubborn and like things done HIS way so i decided, fine – let HIM do things HIS way…(and yeah i told him that during said fight).

yeah – one of the only fights we’ve ever been in – but it sucked. of course he had his retorts to me – but we settled on a few things. I told him “sometimes you just have to suck it up and say “ok, this is how she is – I have to accept it”” It’s not like I track mud in and leave clothes everywhere and leave dirty dishes in the sink for weeks on end or leave trash on the floor (I used to live with a roommate who was like that)…but I also do NOT feel like everything has to be super clean 24/7.

After he realized how I really truly felt – and we hashed it out that night – things got better.

we decided to split chores. things I absolutely HATE doing – and things I knew he was stubborn and liked doing HIS way – he’d do. such as laundry and the floors (we have all wood floors in our house). And – since I am a low-carb eater and cooking is actually becoming a hobby of mine – the kitchen is “mine” perse…meaning I cook – I do the dishes (although he’ll still do them if I don’t get to them fast enough, lol)…

it’s not perfect – but it’s a LOT better. we both decided / understood what we needed to work on. I needed to be a bit more pro-active in doing the “womanly chores” around the house – and he needed to quit being so damn up-tight and just let some things sorta “go with the flow” and not get pissy if I “missed a spot”…

but yeah – I TOTALLY LITERALLY understand EXACTLY how you are feeling right now. 🙁

I also told him I DO these things – he just doesn’t SEE it…so he really worked on trying to see when i do things…course his response was “I shouldn’t have to look, you should just do these things” – yeah but when the argument is about the fact that you don’t SEE it when i DO – THAT’S the issue! no, i don’t need praise like I’m a child when I clean up – but at the same time, don’t ONLY focus on the times that I’m NOT cleaning up.

I’m not sure exactly what advice I can give you, since you said he just won’t listen…somehow you have to MAKE him listen and see YOUR side of things – but believe me, I understand how stubborn men can be.

I’m NOT by ANY means telling you to turn on the water works, but that is what worked for me – he knows i’m not usually a cryer, but man I was just pissed that night and it worked. lol.

only thing I could say is – when you are both in a “normal” mood – sit down and seriously talk about it. If you can’t talk about these things and figure them out then, I apologize but I don’t know.

I really wish you luck!!!!! and I hope you feel better!!

Post # 14
Member
4466 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

JuneBride and AppleBlossom: Our FIs must be triplets separated at birth.  If I don’t put my shoes away the second I walk in the door, FI will be on my case.  And I cannot even count how many times dinner has gotten cold because FI insists on cleaning BEFORE we eat.  Argh.

Post # 15
Member
7054 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

My answer:  buy His Needs/Her Needs (has the test in it too) by Dr. Harley.

That book is amazing and can work with stuff like this situation.  Amazing.  And yes, counseling.  There is for some reason a communication breakdown and the root of it needs to be found.  It’s not the laundry.

Post # 16
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Make a list of everything you do Saturday while he’s at work.

Sometimes guys forget that things like vacuuming, dusting, organizing the books, straightening up the living room, etc, don’t just magically happen.

If you don’t like the way he talks to you, you need to talk to him. Or he’ll keep doing it and doing it. I’d be livid if i were you! You’re not a kid! No need to be chastized IMO

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