Post # 1
FI and I seem to have very different approaches to wedding planning. He wants the wedding to be nice (good food, classy venue, etc) but doesn’t understand why I would want to be unique or creative. For me, it is really important for the day to be special and different from any other wedding. We’ve had so many conflicts over this:
When we were looking for a venue, he was fine with a hotel and didn’t understand why we needed something more unique.
When I wanted a creative menu, he didn’t see why we couldn’t just do traditional chicken or beef sit down dinner
When I suggested creative ideas for placecards, table numbers, etc, he preferred to stick to very traditional simple designs.
When I said that having our wedding be featured in a magazine would be amazing, he thought it would be completely vain and unnecessary.
The latest argument is an engagement shoot – he finally agreed to do one (again, he didn’t like the idea because it was “vain”), but he wants very traditional photos. I want something unique, not just the same typical shots.
I’m so tired of arguing about all of these issues, and I don’t want to force him to do things just for the sake of being different. But I also want to be true to myself and plan a wedding that’s truly unique. Any advice?
Post # 3
Oh I feel your pain! I had the same problem with FH when we first got engaged. What we did at the very start of our engagement (after several disputes over what our wedding should be like) I explained that I wanted the wedding to reflect us, so since sit-down dinners is not what we do then why are we going to do it on our special day? After taking the time to really talk and explain to each other why we wanted things a certain way we really got into wedding planning and it’s made it much more fun.
That being said, we’re both making concessions for each other. I wanted e-pics, he didn’t. He agreed but didn’t want crazy and unique posing or shots so I agreed. Now I have e-pics that I love, and it doesn’t bother me anymore that it was pretty typical and we didn’t go all out for them. Relationships and wedding planning is all about the give and take. l
Post # 4
I think you can mix your two views. You could go with a venue like a hotel and incorporate unique things such as table numbers, decorations, etc. Our wedding is at sort of a cookie cutter place (country club) but we’re making it “ours” with some little touches.
I’m not sure about the “unique” menu…I’ve kind of always eaten standard wedding food so I didn’t really think about this for our wedding…oooops.
And for the engagement shots, could you do some traditional and some unique?
Post # 5
Yeah, I’d find compromises. Take a pose with the two of you together, close up while taking e-pics–there’s the one for his desk, and then take one that’s narrowly focused on you and your honey hugging–and there’s your creative pose, you know? I think hotchild is right… there are ways to combine the two! My FI is sort of the same as in “Well, do you really want to get married in a random art gallery, dear?” but once I explain how I feel and listen to how he feels, it becomes pretty easy to find some sort of compromise… eventually. It just might take more research!
Post # 6
It’s funny because I’ll periodically mention little different things to my FI and he’ll seem a little confused by it (“oh, you’re going to wear colored shoes? Shouldn’t your shoes be white or something?” “Oh babe . . . if you only knew . . . “). In reality, he and most of the other people invited don’t read blogs and don’t have such exposure to seeing fun, unique, quirky ideas for weddings. Most people have seen a general formula with maybe one or two surprises thrown in, and that’s OK and they’ve enjoyed it.
I think you just need to keep that in mind and pick your battles. If you could be happy getting married at a hotel, do it, but find a fun way to compromise with your favors or escort cards. And, make sure your ideas represent him as much they do you, and if they do, maybe that will excite him.
My FI and I are huge readers, so we’re having a loose literary theme for our wedding. Our table numbers are going to be covers of books we’ve shared and our escort cards are going to be bookplates. Reading and books means something to him, so he thinks those ideas are really cool.
Post # 7
An idea would be to phrase your desire for a unique wedding not in terms of wanting something different and unique but in terms of wanting something yours. Like, saying “I find hotel rooms boring and sad, I don’t want to be bored and sad at my wedding…”. While he might not relate to wanting a unique wedding he should be able to relate to wanting a wedding that resonates with you as a person and that makes you happy. If you’re going to spend thousands of dollars spending them should make you happy right? 🙂
I’d also give some thought to which things you want because you want them and which ones are just about wanting to be cool and unique. It can be a hard line to keep and imo difference for the sake of difference is no more meaningful and can be less so than conventional traditions.
Post # 8
I debated between a traditional venue or a nontraditional venue, and finally chose a ballroom because of the difficulty and expense of renting tables, chairs, linens, silverware and catering in Manhattan. It may be easier in Philadelphia, and you may be able to find a reasonably priced nontraditional space that will work for you financially.
I would have also like to have dim sum for the rehearsal dinner, but needed to nix that idea after my mother said it would be fine as long as she could eat soup and bread for dinner. I don’t know how creative your menu ideas are, but most people wind up with the same options because they want to ensure that picky eaters aren’t starving. I’ve been to weddings where the food is terrible, and hungry people tend to leave early (in one case half the wedding was gone before the cake was cut!)
I agree with the above posters that you need to find compromises – my wedding was in a ballroom, and the food was very traditional, but we had unique table card numbers (the table cards had our pictures on them), we made photo books of all of our family photographs that people could look through during the cocktail hour, we semi-handmade our wedding invitations and used a photo magnet for our std. So it did really feel like there were a lot of unique touches in the wedding, and our guests commented upon that.
Post # 9
My advice would be to collect some inspiration photos to show him. My FI had no idea about anything that I was talking about until I sat him down to show him what my vision was. His amazed response was “where did you find all this?” He loves my ideas now!
Post # 10
Thanks so much for the advice everyone! After reading all of your comments, it becomes almost obvious that I was WAY overreacting 🙂 It just takes FI longer to understand more nontraditonal ideas because he doesn’t spend all day on wedding blogs like me. When I explain my ideas from a personal standpoint and show him photos, he usually gets into it as well. I was just frustrated because we’re not on the same page all the time, but such is life.
And for the engagement shoot, I told him we can do whatever setting and poses he likes and he had some great ideas – I can’t wait to go do it 🙂
Post # 11
I think showing him various wedding sites & magazines is a great idea, so that he doesn’t think you’re off your rocker :). Also (you might understand this since you just posted on my thread about guest list drama) can you get someone (probably another woman) that he’ll listen to on your side to help convince him? Maybe a FMIL or FSIL or one of his aunts or cousins that he thinks has good taste? For my FI that was all it took. My ideas were inane, but when Aunt J said the same thing it was brilliant. Whatever… 🙂
Post # 12
Another way to do it is to find a great “you” venue and show him how it can still have the traditional simple feel he likes – just because you’re in a modern art gallery or at a park doesn’t mean you can’t have a sit-down white tablecloth dinner with flower centerpieces.
And do you have someone else to talk to about wedding planning? Maybe you can find a friend to bounce a wide variety of ideas off of, and approach him only with the top three or ten that are really important to you. I can imagine my fiance getting overwhelmed – you want balloons? and the beach? and red shoes? and vegan eggrolls? even if really I’m just throwing possibilities out there.
Post # 13
Awww. I definitely echo compromises. And maybe try to help him see there are a few things (few!) you really want to do, and hopefully he is kind enough and loves you enough to go along with them, even if he doesn’t really want to!
Post # 14
Aww..sounds just like what I’m going through! haha.
I want unique touches and not so much ‘traditional’ for everything either! haha. Though we’re ending up having our wedding/reception at a hotel and sit down dinner (that’s mostly b/c of cost), I am trying to still find plenty of other ways to make our wedding more fun/different! 🙂
It’s hard for FI to grasp mainly b/c he thinks he might cost more to be DIY/fun/creative than traditional as well as others not understanding the whole ‘unique creative’ like FMIL…but I’m trying to enlighten them..by showing them the blogs I pour over. 🙂