Post # 1
We were engaged in Nov.2012 after 3.5 years of dating, and 10 years of friendship. I asked him a few weeks ago if we could move up up our wedding date from Oct. 26 to Sept. 1, 2013, so we can have the venue HE wants. His reaction was full panic, freak out mode and he just keeps saying “its just so soon”. I keep asking him if he’s sure he wants to get married and if he is sure he wants to marry me. Each time he answers he needs more time to think, and although he says yes the response is less reassuring. Then this morning he asked why we were getting married so soon, and why in the fall and not the spring. WHAT?! I explained how we discussed and agreed to the fall because of work issues and how the venue (that he wants) only accepts Sunday receptions, etc.
We have plans to move in in July and Im not sure if I should pump the breaks indefinately. I asked him what his reservations are and he lists them and I’ve assured him repeatedly that things will not change and I will always stick by him. We hardly argue. I see our relationship not romantic but one built on love, respect, trust. We have great conversations and make each other laugh all the time. But, at this point I dont know what else to say or do. After nearly 4 years he still has reservations? Im on the verge of telling him that if he wants to move the date back a year, Im not confortable moving in with him. I have reason to believe he is just not ready to give up his bachelor ways and maybe is seriously questioning if he really wants to marry me because he feels there may be someone out there better suited for the life he wants to lead (political). I dont know what to do, honestly, and Im so hurt. Any advice would be appreciated.
Post # 3
@MrsAgainstTheGrain: *HUGS* So sorry you’re going through this. I say stick to you guns about not moving in with him until you have a date set/signed venue contract. Otherwise, he may drag his feet indefinitely. If he’s not ready to get married, he needs to tell you that, and you need to either accept it or leave.
Post # 4
@MrsAgainstTheGrain: I think you’re hitting the nail on the head with this:
After nearly 4 years he still has reservations? Im on the verge of telling him that if he wants to move the date back a year, Im not confortable moving in with him. I have reason to believe he is just not ready to give up his bachelor ways and maybe is seriously questioning if he really wants to marry me . . .
I agree with you. You sound like you have a great relationship, you know each other well — what’s the deal? I would not move in with him in July if he wants to move the wedding date back, and in fact I would consider leaving him if he keeps saying it’s “too soon.” You deserve to be with someone who’s sure. Good luck…
Post # 5
Sorry you are going through this. I think four years is plenty of time for him to know if he is ready or not.I agree that you should be cautions about moving in. What are his concerns?
Post # 6
How old are you guys?
Maybe consider his feelings…he doesn’t want to rush into getting married. He’s proposed, that’s great, now maybe take a step back from planning. Tell him you’d like to get married in the fall, and why, and ask him when he thinks you should get married. When my fiance and I got engaged last April, I initially wanted to plan for an October wedding. I was all about it, and then my fiance was like, “I think we should wait until the spring,” and we talked about why he thought that, and we are getting married June 22.
Post # 7
Thanks all! I have no problem with the Spring, but I think that once the spring rolls around he will still ask why so soon. I just don’t believe he is ready.
BTW, I am in my mid to late 20s, he is in his early 30s.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Agreed – how old are you? It took my guy a full 10+ years to get comfortable with the idea of marriage, because we fell in love SO young and he had all these deep-held convictions about being in a career and financially stable before marriage. (Even though living together, sharing a life, buying a house, etc were fine before that!) I think that sentiment is very very common among men.
ETA: Oops I see your answer now. Well, I guess just try to have a serious conversation about his reluctance or hang-ups about marrying “so soon” ? Good luck…
Post # 9
I think you’d be really, really smart to refuse to move in with him until the date is set in writing. I suspect otherwise he’s going to stall and stall. Honestly, it sounds like he either isn’t the marrying type or that some part of him knows you’re not “the one” for him. Which sucks, and I’m sorry to even say it.
Post # 10
Don’t move in with him! He already is having trouble with dragging his feet. You don’t want to start playing the role of wife before you actually get the commitment. What motivation would he have then?
Be strong. I think it might be Mr. Bee’s Plan time. Don’t leave yet, but definitely make it known that he proposed, and as a result you ARE expecting a marriage to happen soon. That’s what engaged means, and if he didn’t mean it when he gave you the ring, then he’s led you on in the cruelest way.
Post # 11
Thank you to everyone who responded.
Post # 12
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
It sounds like he’s not ready yet. I agree with PPs that I would not move in together until he is 100% on board with planning a wedding to occur within x months of moving in together. He should be excited by the idea to the point where he says “to heck with the wedding, let’s go to the courthouse tomorrow. I can’t wait to be married to you”, not reluctant about it and asking “why so soon”.
Post # 13
You may have personal beliefs against this, but maybe living with him for a while will show him there’s nothing to be scared of. Women always say that if you live with a man before marriage and do all the same things then what’s his incentive to marry you? Well, if he loves you and wants to spend his life with you then he will still want to marry you. I have been with my fiance now for over seven years. We moved in together after a year and a half and got engaged after five and a half. We’re getting married this September and I have no fears because I know who he is to the core, and he knows me the same. We’ve waited this long to get married because we were so young when we started dating and just weren’t ready.
If that’s not an option for you then I suppose you’ll figure out what’s best, but those are my thoughts.
Post # 14
@ilikeballet: Thank you! We lived together for about 6 months while I took some summer classes and it was great! We were relieved to know we could live together and not kill each other.
Post # 15
Me and my hubby to be live together and he is just excited as me if not more lol to get married next weekend. But I would be hesitant to move in without a serious discussion of what his reservations are if they are valid then consider moving in if not maybe its times to move on good luck.