Post # 1
Disclaimer: I do not intend to start a debate on the risk/benefits/joys/sorrows of marijuana so please don’t.
Fiance occasionally smokes weed. I can’t stand it. I find it quite repulsive actually. He never does it in my presence or in our home but I can always smell it when he does and it drives me insane. This is a not a new issue and has been discussed many times over our long relationship. It has basically come to an agreement that he won’t do it around me or any future children. But any time I smell it PISSES ME THE F** off.
Part of me feels like this is not important enough to break up over but it’s significant enough to affect my feelings for him. He knows how I feel about it. What would you do?
Post # 3
Why is he doing that? I would tell him it needs to stop. I would lay down the law. If he has some issues, he should see a counselor. If he has pain, a chiropractor. Etc..
Post # 4
To me, it would be more like a deal breaker. I respect that he won’t do it around you or any future children, but it seems like that is still not enough to give you peace.
I think it can be an expensive and dangerous habit since for the most part it is illegal, whether we agree with it or not.
Post # 5
It’s a pretty big difference to have, especially since (for now) it is an illegal substance. I’d probably give an ultimatum.
FWIW, I’m pro-weed.
Post # 6
Well unfortunately you can’t really “lay down the law” when you’re talking about a grown adult’s activities. He doesn’t smoke around you or in the house. Would it maybe help if he brushed his teeth? Changed his clothes? Why won’t he quit?
When I was a smoker, I dated a guy who hated it. He’d always say “I can’t be with a smoker” and finally I said “Well dump me then, you knew this about me from day one.”
Post # 7
I think you have to decide whether or not you are ok with this. It seems like you are since you accepted his proposal. Have your feelings on it changed? It’s not really fair to expect him to stop if you knew about this going in.
Post # 8
You can’t get mad about something that you technically agreed to. If the rules have changed for you, and you don’t want him to do it all, then you should communicate it.
Post # 9
@jjilyeah: Did he do it when you met? My Fiance was a regular smoker when we first started dating. Then one day he just decided no to do it anymore. There were times, when he still smoked, that it made me mad – but I knew that about him when we started dating, so I couldn’t be upset with him when I knew what I was getting myself into.
I am, however, RELIEVED that he no longer smokes. He may in a social situation, but we’re talking maybe once a year, which I can deal with.
Post # 10
Smoking of any sort is a deal breaker for me. Darling Husband quit 4 months before we got together (we were friends then and I mentioned I wouldn’t be with anyone who smoked so he quit) and has had a short stint when things going stressful with his family but I told him I didn’t want to be with a smoker and he responded. I’m not usually an ultimatum person but it was a deal breaker for me. If it’s not for you, then try to get him to address the issues behind why he smokes weed. Maybe couseling to understand each others perspectives and work from there?
Post # 11
Hi, what is it that you don’t like about it? Is it a certain way he acts that bothers you or just him smoking in general?
Post # 12
You say it’s not that much a big a deal as to break up with your Fiance but it does affect your feelings for him. Either he stops. Or you deal with it. The only other option is to break up 🙁
Btw, I don’t mean for this to sound horrible. I’m just laying it out. My SO smokes, and I hate it. He also has hobbies I don’t approve of. Both of which, at some time, have made me “doubt” our relationship. But he wont stop (and regarding his hobbies it would be horrible to ask that of him). I just have to deal with it. Accept the fact we have differences of opinion and get on with it. It’s tough though.
Post # 13
@bali_y:I was in a similar situation with you when Darling Husband and I met. I told him (before I knew he smoked) that I wouldn’t date someone who smoked because my previous boyfriend had been a huge pothead loser and I didn’t want anything to do with it. Darling Husband quit because he knew it was a dealbreaker for me.
Over the years, I have become less sensitive about it because I know plenty of very successful people who occasionally partake. There have been a few occasions where Darling Husband has asked if he could (bachelor weekends away…etc) and I have agreed. It always has to be in a fixed location where there is little chance of getting arrested and I ask that he not be the one to purchase it. Having open lines of communication about it is what helps us deal with the issue on a time-to-time basis.
Post # 14
If you have a problem with it, then he’s not the guy for you.
If he’s been doing it since you’ve met him, dont plan on changing it. Most are long term.
You shouldn’t have to change someone for you to be tolerable of them; for right now, thats what they do, or use, or whatever you want to call it. Take it or leave it.
Post # 15
If it’s really not a deal breaker to you then I would be like ummm hey pal…I can smell it on you…figure that out because I can’t stand it…If he doesn’t want to be more discrete about it let him know that there is gonna be an issue. That’s just my opinion. Like I said, IF it’s not a deal breaker to YOU.
Post # 16
No, my feelings on it have not changed and he is aware of my feelings about it. The agreement we came to was a compromise on my part. I have given up trying to ask him to stop because clearly it’s not something he is interested in doing. I would appreciate it though, if he didn’t come in smelling like it.