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I know there seems to be a lot of talk about in-laws and out battles with them especially during the stressful time of wedding planning.
My inlaws pretty much hate me, and my FI has made it very clear to them that I am going to be his wife and his family so he is going to stand by me. I am glad that he loves me and will stand up for me but I feel so guilty that it has to be this way. And I have tried for 5+ years to make amends and that hasn't worked and since we got engaged they hate me even more.
Has anyone's FI gotten involved and how do you feel about it? Do you feel guilty that your FI is fighting with his family over you?
I know that things have happened that I don't know the details about, and I appreciate it. I don't feel guilty. His mother has "I'M LOSING MY BABY!!!" syndrome, and she needs to get over it. We've been dating for 8 years.
One of my dear friends - her MIL is a witch. Her MIL/FIL/SIL cut ties with her when she chose to have no kids at the wedding and not to have her husband's 1 year old niece as the flower girl. Seriously..that's why you cut your son off? It's the dumbest thing ever, and still, 4 years after the wedding, they refuse to talk to their own son, they are missing out on their grandchild growing up.
In-laws!! 
@marlew- It is ridiculous, how to you right off you own kids?! I don't want to be around my inlaws because of the way they treat me but at the same time I hate that my FI is losing his relationship with his family.
Here's the thing - you're not holding a gun to his head to do this. He's sticking up for you on his own. If he didn't think it would work, he wouldn't be with you. He loves you, and if his parents choose to not to accept that, it's not YOUR fault, it's not HIS fault. They are the ones making the choice. Do not feel guilty.
I always say you can't help who you fall in love with.
@marlew- Thanks! I am lucky that I found someone who will by my side no matter what.
We haven't had that issue but I strongly feel like that's how it should be. When you get married, your SPOUSE becomes numero uno. Your parents are still important, but your priorities shift. i would never marry a man that would put his mother and father above me, his wife.
I'm sorry you feel guilty; i hope things can get better =\
I agree that it's how it's supposed to work. If his parents don't accept you, that's their own problem. It sounds like you've tried to form a relationship with them, so if they don't adapt, meh. You're the new family :)
@ejs4y8 - Really? Is that how it's supposed to be? My fiance certaintly never got that memo even though I try to explain it to him all the time.
@FutureMrs.Taylor, it took my husband a deployment to figure it out 
It was something my parents hammered into my head...they told me not to get married until I felt like I could put him before them. Pretty unselfish of a parent if you ask me 
It sucks that his family is that way, but your FI is doing exactly what he's supposed to be doing. You're going to be his family, now, too, and the family that the two of you have together is the priority.
Your FI is doing a great job. My FILs never liked me. It was a constant battle with them. I was taking their little boy to the big bad city, I was too wild, they didn't understand me, blah blah blah.
A couple years ago, FI sat down with them. He said, "HotChildintheCity is going to be my wife and the mother of my children. You can start being nice, or you won't be seeing too much of us."
We're not best buds, but things have changed A LOT since then.
You shouldn't feel guilty...this is on them, not you. THEY have made this choice, not you and not your FI.
Be glad your FI stands up for you...some aren't so lucky. I couldn't marry someone who couldn't stand up for me and put their mom first.
It would be hilarious if he really said HotChildintheCity! They really would have had a fit!
@FutureMrsTaylor: YES. That would have been perfect. I could just picture my FMIL's face ;op
FMIL HATES me. and FH has told her many times the same thing that you're lovely man has said to his.
Eventually they'll either warm up, or move on - I too am still waiting for either of those to happen.
I just hope some of you don't have to deal with the climax of erratic behavior before the warm up for move on ending like i have... it sucks! I'm talking, buying a dress the same color as my wedding dress, inviting her child to be a bridesmaid without my consent, telling him not marry me in public, taking money from his old account (that was joint with her name since he was 14, hes a man who never changes his ways, but has since then learned his lesson!).....
I don't know why after all these things why HE still talks to her, but that's his choice, as long as I always come first as his wife and family.
Several of Mr.D's family members and friends were pretty angry with me after a recap post went up. It was really hard on us (and a major factor in my recap stallage). Mr.D was originally pretty torn between sides, but eventually he saw where I was coming from on the issue and defended me (us) to his friends/family.
I felt very guilty that I had cause the whole tiff with my blogging and recaps and I felt awful that instead of enjoying his visit home - he was having to go to bat for us with people closest to him! I thought we all got along, only to find out all this drama was going on behind my back (computer?). Though, maybe they felt that way when they read my post, I'm not sure anymore. sigh.
I don't have any easy answer for you, except that I understand and it sucks (for everyone involved).
You are lucky he sticks up for you! My fiance, granted his family loves me, refused to play bad guy when they were pushing me to do things I didn't want to for our wedding. Even guests lists became such a big issue to the point where I wanted to stop all the planning and be done with it. The fact that your man is willing to fight for you really shows how much he loves you! :0)
@hotchildinthecity- I wish they listened when he told them that they better respect me or they won't see him. He had this discussion with they about 6 months ago and they have been good until they tried to ruin our wedding shower. Glad things have worked out somewhat for you.
@cupcake26- Are you sure you aren't dating my FI?! LOL I feel like I am reading about my life. Sorry you are going through this too.
@dorsay- I'm a little afraid of the internet now since my name is pretty obvious if you know me. I wouldn't want to cause more drama if that;s possible.
@budsbride- I know I am very lucky! My mother and my FI always seem to but heads (they love each other though) but after seing how he stands up for me my mother has said how happy she is that I'm marrying him. I think since I know he loves me so much I feel awful.
After acting weird at my wedding shower, my FMIL complained about it on the phone to FI and then said "we need to meet up and talk about some stuff". I was terrified that she was going to tell him she hated me and didn't want us to get married. He said that if she said anything like that, he would tell her too bad and she wouldn't be invited to the wedding!
Luckily she was just meeting with him to tell him she was really stressed at her business and needed him to help on weekends, and that she was a little sad she wasn't more involved in the wedding planning. *SIGH OF RELIEF!* It feels good to know your fiance is on your side, and you shouldn't feel guilty at all about it. If they don't like you, that's THEIR problem (especially since you've tried!)
Oh gosh, my MIL asked almost every phone convo "I'm only going to ask this once and I promise I won't ask you again but are you sure you want to marry her?" Geez wow! Dig that knife in deeper.
This was one of our top relationship issues, and we could not have gotten engaged and planned a future together without resolving it. Many moms don't want to lose their little boy; the difference is whether he stands up for his partner or doesn't. FI was superclose to his mom and could not imagine standing up to her at first; but when I explained how this was necessary for a healthy adult relationship, he slowly became comfortable with asserting himself and setting boundaries. Of course, it's a two-way street, and I make sure he knows he's number 1 for me as well. (Fortunately my parents are very understanding of this).
This isn't something I would feel guilty over; if your FILs don't like you, they probably wouldn't have liked any other girl either. (My FMIL said straight out that it wasn't me she had a problem with so much as the idea of FI in a serious relationship.)
if your FILs don't like you, they probably wouldn't have liked any other girl either. (My FMIL said straight out that it wasn't me she had a problem with so much as the idea of FI in a serious relationship.)
Great point! Makes it more clear that THEY are the ones with the problem and it really isn't you. MIL ruined several of DH's relationships and his brothers. He said he wasn't about to let her ruin this one.
Its taken my FH quite a bit to be able to get to the point where he can tell his parents to shape up or risk the future. For them though it isn't necessarily about not liking me its just about being rude in general. They have a daughter that barely speaks to them and after the first few months of wedding planning arguments we were about to go down that road too. FH got very blunt with them and told them if they wanted to be at the wedding and be involved in the future including any possible grandchildren they need to start being respectful of our lives together. So far its gotten better but there's always time for the other shoe to drop.
My FMIL doesn't hate me but she doesnt agree with alot of our wedding plans and this has caused us to have a massive row! We are now not talking and FI is really struggling with it. He is very defensive of his mum (she can do no wrong in his eyes) he has rose tinted glasses on where mummy is concerned. I am waiting for the day he realises the person she really is! I would be very proud of your FI for putting you first. Although my FI does it takes a while for him to get there! He is a "yes" man and wants to please everyone. He can't bear his family or me being upset so will try to please us all. This is not always going to work though! I wouldn't feel guilty roxy821 you have done all you can. Good luck
My man is the same way. We are ok with his family now...all except his brother and that troll he calls a girlfriend. They're not invited to the wedding and FH grandma doesn't seem to get that in her head. She keeps texting and begging him to invite his brother and FH is sticking his ground. NO.
I love him for that but anyway, we didn't talk to his mom for well over a year. We started talking to her again around Christmas time. She to had that whole "I'm loosing my baby" brain disease and was doing a lot of immature stuff. Like talking crap on face book and just keeping a bunch of drama kicked up in general. I don't put up with crap from my own mother let alone someone else's so she got told off a lot. He was stern with her and told her....Monicka is going to be my wife so either get use to or don't even bother contacting me. The way she was acting was rediculous. But at Christmas when we weren't going to show up at her house, I guess she really got the point. She missed having the whole family together and realized that the drama was just not worth the loss of her son. She was also missing out on the growth and development of our son. Now she's a whole different person, hopefully that lasts, but we'll see.
It's amazing how many of our FMIL's would rather have no relationship with their son than learn to respect us. My biggest problem is that his sisters are very nasty and his mother does nothing to step in instead she stands right next to her daughters. She isn't neccesarily as mean but she doesn't care that a couple of her children are attacking the other. She takes sides and it's crazy.
I'm really glad I don't have any future sister-in laws. Women can be very catty.
I feel guilty ALL the time. FI stands up for me when his parents are being jerks. And by jerks I mean being racist and rude. FI actually got into a huge fight this past weekend over the "bridal shower" his mom was supposedly throwing me. Long story short - I didn't care who she invited b/c she was the one throwing it..and I knew it was never about me anyways. FI didn't like the fact that his mom was inviting a boat load of people who I didn't know and asked her point blank who the shower was for - for her or for the bride. Needless to say she didn't have much of an answer (or an answer at all). Over the time FI and I have lived together he's seen how his parents are..and how they try to control and manipulate him. I never ask him to not speak to them...or not to see them...but he has made that step himself. He finally realized why both his sisters moved away from home at such a young age.
@MrsBtobe- Doesn't it make you not even want to enjoy your bridal shower since there is so much trouble over it?! My inlaws didn't want to be involved in any type of planning for it but they caused a scene at the shower itself. Thankfully my FI came with me and helped difuse the situation.
I am sooooo lucky that the boy's family likes me so much. Unfortunately, my mother's not too crazy about the boy. :( But she knows that I love him and she's been pretty good about keeping her mouth shut.
roxy - Thankfully FI cancelled the shower. FMIL and I have a pretty non-existant relationship. I'm polite and cordial with her - but that's it. We've been together for 8 years - so nothing she does comes as a surprise to me anymore.
The really akward thing is that we arranged to have a SECOND food tasting tomorrow so that his parents would feel more included in the wedding planning (so far I haven't really included anyone but myself and fiance in the wedding decisions) - so it will be one AKWARD tasting!
@MrsBtobe- I'm so sorry to hear that about the shower! I invited my inlaws to the tasting to try and include them and they declined, so I put the offer out there but they will still say I don't include them. Hope it goes well tomorrow, best of luck!
@danadelphia- You are lucky, I'm happy for you! You never realize how rare it is until you come on the boards. I always thought I was crazy and noone believed that my inlaws were so difficult.
roxy - Thanks for the well wishes! It's hard to make the in-laws feel included while still trying to stay true to what you and your FI envision for your wedding. If it helps at all I'd recommend that you stop trying with your in-laws..hehe..am I awful for suggesting that? I stopped trying after about 2 years (I was young, naive and still looking for approval)...since then I've completely stopped trying it's been amazing! haha
My mother in law cant decide if she loves me or hates me. Every week it changes. And I find that when my fiance stands up for me she hates me even more. I think its the whole "im stealing her 1st son" thing. Shes got compition now.
@MrsBtobe- I know I should. It's just that FI has a huge fight with them and then they try for a couple weeks to respect me so i am cordial to them and before you know it we are right back where we started. I just want to save face for the wedding because things weren't as bad before we were engaged and since I wanted some of my family members to be groomsmen I agreed to have FSIL's as bridesmaids, HUGE MISTAKE! Now I'm just trying to keep them from ruining my wedding. I can't tell you how many nightmares I have over this.
@MzMerrill10- Yes when they stand up for us we are definelty hated even more! For me I don't think it's the whole first son thing as much as he is doing well for himself now and doesn't need her to do everything. She is still on the bank account of her married children so she needs to be in control at all times and I don't allow it.
oh this is such a fun topic! Shit has officially hit the fan with my inlaws....so here goes.
I am still unsure, after 6 years of being with him, if my husband stands up for me around his family. there's some insane drama currently. So we're over at my MIL's and just randomly talking, it was me and my mil and my sil, everyone else was outside, so we're talking, and i am normally a shut book, huge walls up, and the one time that i try opening up a little, sharing one of the most intimate pieces of my life (i don't talk about it, its not that huge of a deal, but when i was 8 i was raped) ok so i'm trying to tell her this, and she has the nerve to say" well your still young and stupid you should get over it". First off, she was talking over me and probably didn't hear what i was trying to tell her. And then she also tells me how i'm rude and have a total lack of respect. am i rude? well yes, it happens, it's not exactly that i'm rude, i'm very blunt, i tell it how it is, i do not sugar coat anything, but i have not been outright rude to her face. On top of all this, in the past she told me i had to earn a spot in the family, and just all this other stuff. So a week after she totally loses all respect i had for her by what she said, i decide its bugging me too much and i go and talk to my husband about this. He says she's totally out of line, and its not fair for her to act like this since i try to be apart of his family, which i'm stubborn as hell, i'm a pain in the ass, and i'm actually try to make someone like me, so that says so much right there. that's not me at all, for all i care, most people can go to hell, just how i am. But he was like well i finally see how much you try and my mom shouldn't be like that to you. oh and the icing on the cake, apparently his family is annoyed that i post status comments about being angry on facebook. Um, i see my husband for maybe 2 hours a day, i can't talk to my kids, as they are 3 and 1, and i don't have someone who is readily available for me to randomly vent, so what do they want? and on top of that, the people in his family that are on facebook, i thought they actually liked me. So now, pretty convinced I will never been good enough for his mom, and his family is kinda twofaced. they are looking great right now....
So this was last weekend we had this chat, he hasn't talked to his mom yet, possibly he might this weekend, but not sure. i'm so over his family right now though. i'm really hoping he decides to stick up for me, cause i'm not going anywhere anytime soon.
Lol, ok thanks for letting me vent, but overall, not sure if he sticks up for me yet....
@PirateJenn- I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. I can't believe that you tried to open up to them with something very personal and that's how she acted, F her! I bet your FI does and will stick up for you, I think sometimes its just hard when they aren't there to see it and have to go back and say something. Hang in there, we are all here for you to vent!
While I wouldn't say that I'm best friends with all my in-laws (however close or not), there hasn't been a situation yet that has put my guard up to worry. I'd like to think FI has my back but I don't need him to fight my battles and certainly when kids arrive, as mean as this may sound, if folks have a problem with me they will certainly see us on a very limited basis.
They say you can't choose your family and the same is true for in-laws. There's a lot I don't like regarding either of his families (his parents are divorced, so it's a 2-for-1 deal), but his dad's side, which I hardly have much of a relationship (and his sibling at times) irk me. I don't care because, fortunately, I don't see these folks that often. If I did and things were bad, then I'd personally have serious reservations of marrying into that dynamic.
Yea, she's officially on the bitch list, and there's very very few ways to offend me and she did it perfectly! There's a chance we're moving 6 hours away from them, and i'm almost excited about that. just depends on if my husband gets the job or not, which i hope he does. just cause we move away doesn't mean i won't be back a lot, and oh damn, sucks for her if i forget to visit her and she doesn't see her grandchildren.
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