Post # 1
Hey bees! I need some help. My FI’s step father is originally from Germany (just became a US citizens). His mother and Step father have been married abotu 2 years. Step-father has a daughter (in germany) who is getting married next October. My FI has met this girl twice and, while she is family and is a nice girl, he thinks he MUST go to her wedding…in germany! We are getting married in Spring 2014 (about 6 months after germany wedding). Two issues I am having right now:
1.)We are paying for about 80% of our wedding ourselves, so we need to save save save. A ticket to germany: easily 900$. I feel it would be more beneficial if he were to save this money to use it for us. Thats a lot of money to us. When i said this to me FI, however, he explained “he shouldnt be expected to put his life no hold like this for a wedding, budgeting just makes things sour.”
2.) We are planning a wedding back home (far away) so we will need ti fly back at least twice (plus the actualy wedding and honeymoon) to do some wedding things. He is gonna need all the vacation days he can get. Its not like he can fly out to germany for a weekend, this is gonna be a BIG trip
How do I knock some sense into this guy? I mean, if this was instate, we would be able to figure it out no problem. But germany! Or am I being overbaring and should let him go?
Post # 3
They’re immediate family. I would let him go…family is important..if his mom decides to give him money to go t hats her choice for that purpose. You can’t dictate how that money will be spent.
Post # 4
I assume you are both adults, given the fact that you’re getting married. Therefore, it is his decision whether he goes to Germany or not.
You can, however, express your concerns about money. That’s all I would say, though…”Honey, I think it’s fine if you want to go to Germany, but it will be very expensive. Are you sure you can afford it?”
Make sure you don’t say it in a whiny voice.
Post # 6
@HollyCJ: & @peachacid: I agree with both of you.
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Have you thoroughly examined your budget and his vacation time to see if it is possible? She is his step-sister, and I’m sure he would really appreciate it if you could work with him to find a way to make it work. But he will also need to be willing to accept it if things just can’t work out, either financially or work-wise. Maybe you guys could sit down and crunch the numbers together to see what could work?
Post # 8
I wuldnt mind wormingi t out if we could, and if we can its wonderful. But this is the same guy who was considering a personal loan (which I nixed) for our upcoming wedding. If we are going to have to budget/cut for our wedding, then I dont know how germany is possible.
and the whole step-sister thing, shes only been family for 2 years. Hes met her twice. They dont talk very much. She didnt come to my FIs wedding last November because she didnt hav ethe money and they arent close. To just say “they are related” as a reason, to me, is downplayed by the fact that they are barely/newly family. I guess I just grew up in a situation where blood=/=family.
Post # 9
This would bother me too, my husband wanted to go to Hong Kong while I was planning. I told him he had to give me X money for the wedding each week and whatever he saved on top could be for HK…. HK never happened.
He probably just wants to see his family (not just the stepsister) and have a holiday . Will the S.Sister & all his family be attending your wedding in 2014? Maybe he feels that if he doesn’t go to hers, the family won’t come to your wedding? Could you both go to Germany as a honeymoon instead? Or both go to Germany for the wedding & nix a honeymoon. Have a pre-wedding-moon
Post # 10
@awolfpaw: Whose wedding was in November, it looks like it said your FI’s wedding was in last November was that a typo?
Anyway I’d talk about this and budget. I told my guy I wanted to go to Puerto Rico to show him where I grew up as a kid but he coudn’t take that time, wedding time and possibly having to go to Hawaii too.
If you sit down and budget he might see that you can’t afford a wedding and Germany, it looks like your wedding is not for a while anyway (2014). Maybe you guys can make both happen and push back the wedding if its that important to him.
Also does he have a passport yet? Those are expensive. How is he going to get around in Germany? Will he have to stay in hotel? How many days? Make sure that he gets the full impact of how much this is really going to cost him in money and vaca days to see if its worth it.
Maybe also he’s always wanted to go to Germany? I have and if this came up I would find a way to make it happen. Just sit down and talk about it all. Try to comprimise.
Post # 11
Is signing up for a mileage reward card an option? If you search, AAdvantage has some 50,000 mile signing bonus deals right now. I think you have to spend $3,000 or so in the first 6 months? But with wedding stuff, food gas, etc that’s not that hard.
It’s how we flew to Asia 1st class on our honeymoon! Maybe he could go to his step sister’s wedding for free?
Post # 12
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
@crayfish: great idea- we’re going to New Zealand for our belated honeymoon via miles- tickets were only $100 in fees.
So OP, if you get the right airline credit cards, you BOTH can go to Germany!!
Post # 13
credit cards? thats sounds financially irresponsible. I mean, yes we both have a credit card. AND we have a one card that we used to buy a new TV when we moved (ours didnt make it) with no interest for 2 years that we are paying off. I dont see how getting a credit card to pay for a trip we dont have money for would put us in a good financial situation. The only other credit card thing we have discussed is POSSIBLY for the honeymoon if we can get one that is 12-18 months interest free. This would allow for us to use any money that is gifted to us towards the honeymoon as well as pay it off over months (since we cant BANK on money being gifted). By getting a credit card for just a trip to Germany…this may hinder our possible honeymoon plan.
My FIs BROTHER got married in November. And she did not go to his wedding. I would invite the step-sister to mine out of kindness and because I dont have any reason not to, however I would not EXPECT her to go and would not be upset if she couldnt make it. I dont really know her, she doesnt really know my FI or me…so if she isnt there on our wedding day Im not really going to notice (not trying to be harsh, just being honest).
Post # 14
@awolfpaw: They weren’t suggesting getting a credit card to pay for the trip itself. What has been suggested is getting a high airmiles earning credit card, and using it for daily and wedding purchases. If you do this, and pay the credit card off on time every month (I would suggest pre loading it with the amount of money you intend to spend, if you can do that in the US) , then you pay no interest, and every purchase you make accumulates airmiles.
At the moment some credit cards have crazy bonuses, where if you sign up, you get a large number of airmiles. With a number of airlines, 50000 is enough to fly to Germany return. So, in the case of the credit card mentioned above, if you were able to spend $3000 on wedding related things over the next 6 months (and pay back each month), then the trip for Germany will be free, bar taxes.
Post # 15
Maybe he just wants to go on a trip and spend some time with his family and this wedding is an excuse. I dont think focusing on who went to what and why is really that important. If he wants to go then he wants to go.
It’s one thing if this trip is going to seriously break the bank and another if you just think it isn’t the smartest decision ever. My FI is going to Europe (France, Netherlands, Spain, Italy) for like 10 days next week with a friend of his because I dont have the time off. Am I thrilled about the money being spent? Of course not. Would I ever tell him not to go because I want to spend that money on the wedding? No chance in hell. Maybe you can sacrifice one of your trips back home and just get your meetings with vendors in on one trip. Most planning is done via email/online anyway.
Also, putting some debt on a credit card that you regularly pay on time is actually GOOD for your credit. I’m not suggesting you go into debt at all but don’t be terrified of a credit bill because you think it’s going to mess up your credit.
Post # 16
I see what you are saying about the cost of a trip vs the cost of your wedding. Maybe get him to budget out what the cost of the trip will be, in total and then suggest other ways to make the “extra” money. you can contibute to the fund also. Im sure once he looks at the entire cost he will realize that it could pay for a chunk of your wedding. But maybe also help him see what items on your budget list could be paid for instead of a trip. If he really wants to go though, you don’t want to have that as a hot spot in your relationship, in the long run you’ll still be getting married and you will have a beautiful wedding even if you spend money else where.