- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
Wait a minute, didn't you mention in the beginning that $5k was your original budget? Was that an amount that both you and he agreed on? I can understand your point of veiw. Of course, this is a one time event (hopefully)!! Just let him know how important this day is to you. And honestly, for 150 guests, you're doing awesome for staying around the $9,000 range!!!!
$10,000 is a very reasonable, not excessive amount. FI thought I was spending too much, so I sat him down and showed him how all the little things add up. Candles, taxes, gratuity, programs, etc. and I think he understands now. Good luck!
Under 10 K is FANTASTIC!!!! Good for you for getting good deals and keeping with a reasonable budget. We are having a similar discussion as we originally set a budget to pay on our own. I was agreeable to the budget, but knew it was an extremely tight budget by Vancouver standards as everything is WAY over priced out here :( Family has since offered to contribute a significant amount and rather than slightly increase the budget to make it easier he thinks we should just decrease the amount we are contributing but keep the same tight budget because it too much money to spend on one day. I figure let's not go crazy but also not be super stressed about a few dollars here/there. URG :(
Show him the budget and where things are adding up. This will help him realize what you are talking about.
Under $10,000 for that many people is very impressive!
I think you're right. $10,000 is a budget wedding in my book. Maybe it's good that you guys are having this argument, since money is such a common topic for couples to argue about. You can practice your conflict resolution skills!
If I were you, I would make it clear to FI that it's not of matter of whether it is possible to throw a party on a lower budget, but whether that type of party is what you want. I think that the wedding you are proposing is a great compromise between a lavish affair and a simple one.
Hmm...I understand both sides. $10,000 is definitely a reasonable amount to spend on a wedding...you could be spending much much more! I think it's taking things a bit far for him to say you've been taken overcome by the WIC and that you're a changed person. $10,000 isn't a very extravagent amount in WIC terms.
BUT...just because it's a generally reasonable amount, doesn't mean that spending that amount is in line with your fiances values and goals. Even if someone had offered to give us a bunch more money for our wedding, I don't think either of us would have wanted to increase what our wedding cost...it would have exceeded the amount we were comfortable spending on one event, regardless of where the money came from. You should sit down with him and go through the various aspects of the wedding and see what you both feel is a reasonable amount to spend on that (and see if you're spending that, or more, or less) and from there make a plan TOGETHER to go forward, add things, or cut things back as appropriate. You don't want to have a wedding that your fiance is going to regret or feel like the money would have been better spent elsewhere (by you or by whoever provided it).
So what you're saying is, you are throwing a wedding... in Maryland... for 150 people... and you're having it catered at an actual venue... for less than $10,000?? And he's MAD?! I'm blown away.
The thing is, when you come up with your original budget, sometimes it's hard to be on target because people can be really slippery about weddings. No one wants to come clean about how much anything costs, so it's really hard to tell how much it'll actually be. Also, in my (limited) experience, I've found that there are things I thought wouldn't matter that actually do. Maybe it feels silly, but it's ok to want it to look nice and feel comfortable for your guests. Embrace that.
Your fiance should be proud of you. I think you've done a great job of balancing your values and budget with the real world of wedding planning. I say congratulations to you.
Thanks everyone for your nice comments!
@WendyS328: when we started, we didn't think our parents would contribute (don't know why), and he said "I have $10K+ in savings not counting stocks" so I said "awesome!" and he said "but I want to keep it less than that" and I said "$7K?" and he said "more like $5K" and I said "okay". But then reality set in about what things cost and what has to be taken into consideration, and my parents offered (his are doing rehearsal dinner and may forcibly buy him a new suit). I guess he didn't get the reality check? This is making me think that he hasn't heard me when I talk wedding! But he's still paying under original budget (which was totally unrealistic). The thing is he's the only one who feels this way - his parents have literally threatened him with bodily harm and said they will provide the $$ themselves if he has budget objections to whatever ring I want (though I'm not taking advantage of this, will probably pay under $200).
@gasiaraine: you have his argument pinpointed exactly. I guess the problem is that our values differ a bit; I honestly feel strongly about hospitality and that means specific things to me. And it kinda seems to me that he's okay with the individual items but uncomfortable with the total - I know arithmetic isn't his strong suit, but come on!
Hi, from a bride in Maryland also with 150 estimated guests -- $10k is fricking awesome.
Maybe he just doesn't have any idea what things cost. You are doing an amazing job. I'm planning a $8,000 wedding for 100, I can't imagine how I would fit another 50 people into my budget! Show him your breakdown of the numbers and see where he objects. For example, if he thinks your photography is too high, tell him that he needs to find someone for cheaper. It's easy to say "I don't want to spend $1000 for photography, I only want to spend $500" but it's a lot harder to actually find someone in that price range. You understand that because you've been doing the planning and you've seen how prices are. He needs to come to that understanding too, and that may mean that he needs to do so research on his own so he can see how hard it is to find reasonably priced vendors... It isn't right for him to make demands and then put it on you to get it done without investigating whether it's even possible or not.
Haha...if he's ok with the individual items, but not the total, then that sounds like something he just needs to come to terms with!
Maybe it would help for him to just "forget" the overall amount, if he's ok with the individual item totals.
We actually did this ourselves...having an overall budget became too much of a "how do we ocme in under budget" competition. Instead we just looked at each individual aspect and said "are we ok spending $x on this? Yes? Ok move on!" We still don't know what we spent overall in total and decided we don't care (I have a good idea because I was tracking it all at first). We spent what we were comfortable with and what aligned with our values on each thing. For example: food got a lot cuz we both LOVE food, photography got a decent amount, but not as much as many people put to it because we and our families are obsessed with taking pictures...and yes...both my husband and I took our own pictures on our wedding day :-p, the cake got nearly nothing cuz there was no way I was paying someone to do something that I love to do to get a product that doesn't taste as good.
@greenleafmountain: yeah, you're totally right - I should let him do some of the dealing with the caterers (which I should have started today but didn't). Let's see if he can do better; at least it will take some of my stress away!
I'm gonna agree with @qasiaraine here: just because the money doesn't come from you doesn't mean it's not being spent by someone. And the fact that anyone is spending it may be his concern. I can also see where he's coming from about you "going back on (your) idea" about not needing a magazine wedding. If your FI's original vision for the wedding was a lot less formal (& your wedding doesn't sound all that formal at all), then the wedding you're (individually) planning may not fit with his vision. Since it's BOTH your wedding, he should become MUCH more involved in the process if he's concerned (what I'm implying here is that he shouldn't just complain about what you're planning without actively contributing to the planning - and suggesting "really nice" paper plates doesn't constitute active planning on his part).
Additionally, perhaps he's one of those people who like to live their values in every action he takes...FI & I try to be that kind of person. We're strong believers in making the world a better place & try to live that philosophy in every action (I'm a high school teacher, FI is a movie industry assistant - I try to teach the leaders of tomorrow, he tries to inspire them) including things as mundane as the kind of TV we watch - we'll watch reality shows in which participants strive for excellence, but not those that focus on the interpersonal relationships of participants (i.e. yes to sports, biggest loser or Project Runway; no to Survivor, Real Housewives, or Models of the Runway). Maybe, your FI wants to live his values in the wedding planning...he just needs to get involved in the planning process to better understand your vision of the wedding & how much effort it takes to unify your two visions.
But if you & FI are looking at straight numbers, $10K for 150 people in a city is DAMN good planning & budgeting.
It sounds like he's more concerned about giving money to the wedding industrial complex than he is about the financial implications.
Here's the thing - for 150 people, 10k is a really great deal. Maybe explain it in just plain event terms - that it works out to 10000/150 or just under $67 per person. If you took 150 people out to dinner it'd probably cost that much. Yes, it's possible to have a backyard wedding for a lot less, but it's hard to find a backyard that can comfortably seat that many people. and you're still buying a lot of food.
Also - if he wants to go cheap by using paper plates, I'm not sure how that squares with your environmentalism. It's kind of nitpicking, but based on your region, # of guests, and cost it seems like he's having more sticker shock / feeling ripped off based on the sum total than anything else. (My boy's kind of the same way, thinking we should be spending more like 2k than 20k when we want to have a 100 person open bar Saturday night fully catered event in an expensive area... I am all over the cheap but at a certain point you have to be realistic.)
My husband asked my why I was laughing so hard, and I told him that your FI felt that he could hold a grad student event for less than your wedding. He mentioned that the only people it would be cheaper to hold an event for than grad students would be the homeless.
I'm glad that his parents want to support you in getting the ring of your dreams. Those are very nice in-laws (and your parents too, since they doubled your budget).
Ughhh I only have 35 guest and my budget for the wedding and reception is around 15K so ..yeah your doing great. Forget him !
I think you're doing awesome! I would show him a budget break down (so he can see the cost of everything) and then have him decisde if there is anything he wants to cut. If he finds things he wants to leave out, that's where you could compromise, and maybe come out with a bidget you are BOTH happy with.
Professorbee- LOVE IT! Honestly our grad student events= too much box wine and a bag or two of chips. So yeah, if that's what he wants for his wedding... lol.
Maybe try approaching it from the angle that you're spending more so that you can invite more people, and truly have everyone there? It sounds like the guest list is the main reason that your budget doubled, which is totally reasonable, but it also sounds like your fiance is just seeing that the budget doubled.
I might try sitting down with him and explaining how you would get the budget back down to 5k---- by cutting people out. It isn't that you're tacking on fancy frippery things, it's that you want your whole family there.
And I'll echo everyone here--- 10k for 150 people?! Good for you.
So he's dictating the $, but isn't involved in planning? It's easy to criticize when you don't have to make the decisions. I think he needs to get involved in planning and realize what things cost. It sounds like you need to see your venue, try caterers and jointly decide whether particular items are worth the cost. Maybe the photographer you think is essential is something he doesn't view as worth the cost. Maybe you're willing to go with paper plates (though make sure you're composting if you do). Maybe your parents can also go to some of the meetings with vendors so your FI can understand where they are coming from with the level of formality. Our original budget was $10k for 100 people and I think we're already around $15k.
I think the problem is that he doesn't understand that when any factors the word "wedding" into anything, it automatically costs more - which is something you can't control. So even though he may plan events for cheaper, it is likely because he isn't getting charged "wedding rates". I think you're doing a good job with that many people. Budgeting for a wedding is hard and people are always shocked by the cost, but what can you do about that? It isn't something that we brides can control...
definitely break it down for him as others have suggested. You seem to be doing a great job and yea when you first start out of course you think you can pull it off for $x but then when you get down to it all the little things add up. And it's ok to not want to use paper plates! It is your wedding not a birthday party. Our budget for about 150 guests went from 30k to 40k real quick!!! and that is still with some 'cutting back' - one major disadvantage to livinig outside of nyc - so expensive!
You guys are totally right about getting him more involved; I will try to talk more to him about his vision. So far he has opinions about the ceremony mostly, we have had some very good discussions about that, but the reception - "I want you to be happy". Now that he has expressed a pov he will be going to caterer meetings with me for sure! Because food is the main cost, hopefully under $5.5K inc booze and tableware. Our venue is $2500 with tables and chairs, the desserts are about $300, invites and programs $400, and we're skipping pro photog, pro music, bouquets, centerpieces and favors. In case you were wondering how we're doing it!
@MeghanV, greenleafmountain, ProfessorBee: Glad I could make you laugh! (and you would enjoy my church - grad students and homeless guys both) FI has done the per-person cost, and he thinks that's unreasonable too b/c he usually spends so much less a head for our parties and grad union events. Right?!!! Free venues, pizza or curry or cheese-and-crackers, set-up by volunteers (me) at the last minute, it's all fine, just not what I want for my wedding in a mansion that all my beloved old people are coming to. I mean, my 90-some great-uncle flew me to Wyoming to "keep him company" at a dude ranch when I was a kid sad about my grandparents' deaths, my grandmother let me live with her for 6 months when I dropped out of college with severe depression, his grandmother is lending us her lake house for a honeymoon, I could go on and on, the point is I can feed them a nice lunch for goodness' sake! Okay, I'm getting a little worked up but actually this is a good point for me to make to him- who knows how much longer they'll be around, we can cut some of our long-distance friends and have them come to the MN reception if we really need to.
@qasiraine: You are totally right about ignoring the total, since we won't be going into debt over this. Being mindful with each purchase is important and I think he was okay when we were just doing that but the total was overwhelming.
@Entangled: Good point about paper plates! Anyway, they're not happening, even if I have to borrow plates from everyone I ever met, mismatched doesn't bother me (much).
All of your encouragement is so helpful! I went into that conversation last night expecting to be praised for my skillz but instead learned that we had somehow missed some pretty important communication. Anyway it's great to get validation here instead of b****ing to my parents or to his which might solve the problem (go MIL!) but sets up a bad pattern.
I'm sorry - I really do hate to make your planning any more difficult than it already is (and I can imagine it has already been hell) - but I feel the need to raise a concern about the photographer (which you should feel free to completely ignore if you are the kind of person who loves the memories in your head, instead of photographs of events).
It is quite possible to get very lucky with an amateur photographer or wedding guests with digital cameras, but I do know a lot of brides who were very sad for a long time after the wedding if they didn't get strong pictures. How would your parents and in-laws feel about this? It is possible that they would rather contribute to a photographer than take the chance of not having strong pictures from your wedding.
We have 155 guests, and let me tell you, doing the whole thing for $10K is amazing! Perhaps look up what the average wedding costs in your area and show him that. There is a website where you can look, I just can't remember it off the top of my head. Most weddings end up costing triple what yours will when all is said and done. I think you have a reasonable approach and hopefully you two will be able to work it out in a way that leaves you both happy with the financial situation :)
While it's all well and good that 25 other brides to be are here telling you what a great job you are doing with the budget - that isn't going to help you.
You have effectively doubled your agreed-upon budget. Taking that statement alone can understandably be worrisome. You have to sit down with the future husband and show him actual figures and numbers, because men are usually very number-oriented. Also give him the chance to contribute and also find other ways of cutting costs that you both can live with. Getting him more involved will show him the more realistic side of wedding finances.
Hey,
I'm so sorry to hear that you're having this sort of conflict with your FI. I hate arguments about weddingy things because I feel like it taints the joy of the day. We were also trying to have a very budget-friendly wedding (original plan: $8k) because we didn't want to spend money just to spend money because people say a wedding should be a certain way. But the fact of the matter is, we want to share the day with a lot of people (at least 200) and it is just unrealistic to expect to pay so little. Not only is it hard on you to scrimp on everything, it's not fair to your friends and family who should be treated well.
Saving is great--I am all for it! But you can only save so much before you compromise the enjoyment of you and your loved ones on your wedding day.
Best wishes!
The way I let my FI feel better about money (although my parents are paying for everything) is that I let him do the negotiations. He went went to the caterer with me and the cake place. That way he could see what they were charging for and then he could see why a cake would be $2-$3 a slice.
Maybe asking your FI to help would not only get you better deals but also keep you from spending money on something silly - mine saved us about $300 buy working with our caterer on drinks, something I would have just okayed and not asked about.
I'm in Baltimore too. We are inviting 75 on a $7,000 budget. I think you are doing great budgetwise. Sometimes boys have no idea what things cost. Tell him some girls spend $9000 on just the dress!
i have a suggestion about your fi's worry about the WIC--and i think this fits with previous posters suggested your fi get more involved in the planning, and with what ms.pascua said. i'm assuming (and this is a big assumption--ignore me if i'm wrong!) that since you mentioned your "environmental-hipster values" the vendors that you are choosing meet those standards, but maybe he just doesn't see it? ie, maybe it's a matter of how you all think of the vendors? like, rather than "wedding caterer" or "wedding photographer," it's "local small business owner that happens to provide services to weddings." that's been one thing that keeps fi and i feeling okay about spending as much as we are on the wedding--we feel we're supporting vendors worth supporting, not buying into the WIC and conspicuous consumption. ie, my dress, bridesmaid dresses, and invitations all come from the same small, local, women-owned business, and our caterer and florist both use as many sustainable and local food/flowers as possible. if you're on board with WHO the vendors are, it's easier to be on board with the prices, in our experience. so if you are choosing vendors who fit with your values, maybe it's just a matter of how you frame your description of them to him, and how he sees them
Wow, $10k for 150 guests is not bad! It makes me feel like a material girl for a $15k budget for 130-140 people, and I didn't feel like our wedding is that extravagant or "magazine ready."
Maybe you can compromise some? Maybe nice plasticware wouldn't be so bad, because most people are never going to remember if you used clear plastic plates or china....but maybe you could still use glassware for the drinks (because drinking wine out of plastic is just weird!). :) Or, would plastic be against your environmental values? I guess I'm a little confused why he suggested paper plates?
I would suggest picking your top 3 or top 5 things, decide to splurge on them, and then decide how you can save on other aspects and propose a slightly modified, compromised plan.
I think 10k is rather reasonable for that many people. My family is a lot like yours from what I gather. They expect something more formal then my fiance's family probably is (though they're not expect lawn chairs and coolers either). I think your fiance might be scared to spend that much money on one day. Many savers feel that anxiety. I feel that anxiety, but also I want to carry off our dream wedding so it's hard to fight those two things inside myself. Try to include him more in the planning to show him that your not going against your beliefs and that even with the formality your holding true to yourself. I think that might help him some. Also maybe show him that your saving and include him in the price quote gathering (this way he sees the big numbers it can pull).
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ticatica | 13 |
| fivemonthsnotice | 12 |
| MrsOliveBird | 11 |
| aussiebee | 10 |
| janetsnakehole | 8 |
| Scottish_lassie | 7 |
| GelaMac | 6 |
| j_jaye | 5 |
| MrsMSmith | 5 |
| Rivendeler | 5 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| shychigirl | 1 |
I wasn't sure whether to put this in emotional or here in money, because FI and I got emotional about money last night. I guess I'd like a little confirmation that I'm not insane.
I ran some numbers yesterday and wanted to share with him b/c I think I've been doing well with the budget. Our original amount was $5000. Then my parents wanted to pay a significant amount, we realized that we have a large number of family and friends that we want to have attend, and my mom shot down my vague idea about a non-traditional caterer. And then I discovered just how hard it is too find a venue that can fit 150 with both a nice outdoor space and a roomy a/c indoor space for heat/rain which must be planned for in August in Maryland. I did find it in the end, only $1700, and they have a list of 8 caterers, so I'm limited there. I'll spare you the details, but by leaving a lot of stuff out, I think it can be done for $9000, of which my parents would pay about $5000 (maybe more, I don't know). So that leaves him (I have no savings since I've been in school and only a part-time job though I'm looking for more work) to pay about $4000, less than he originally thought. And he's upset!
It's not the money exactly, he has enough savings to pay for the entire thing out-of-pocket, he says he doesn't care who's paying, it just feels extravagant for a few hours (5 to be exact). He worries that it will be too fancy (wants to cut back by using paper plates "there are really nice ones") when all it will be is a pleasant catered garden party in a beautiful location. I feel we have the rest of our lives to have backyard bbqs or potlucks, when we're not hosting 150 of our nearest and dearest who have traveled to see us.
I have said I don't want a "magazine-ready wedding", and he thinks I'm going back on that idea, I was into the $2000 wedding and such at first and now he thinks I've been overcome by the wedding-industrial complex. He thinks this kind of conspicuous consumption doesn't fit with our environmental-hipster values, that this means I'll go back on other things I've asserted, that this is somehow creating a precedent, that he's put together tons of grad-school social events that cost a lot less than that with as many people, etc etc.
I can see doing one of the more unusual-type weddings if we had 40 or 50 guests, and none were infirm, but I have a huge family (so does he) and I love them and want them to be there and be comfortable. And yes, a certain level of formality is expected in my family and makes an event really special, though I will not say a word when the party his family throws us is super-casual. Am I really nuts for thinking that under $10K is a totally reasonable amount to spend on your wedding when you have the money and 150 people to spend it on?