(Closed) FI thinks I’m spending too much

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 3
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Wait a minute, didn’t you mention in the beginning that $5k was your original budget?  Was that an amount that both you and he agreed on?  I can understand your point of veiw.  Of course, this is a one time event (hopefully)!!  Just let him know how important this day is to you.  And honestly, for 150 guests, you’re doing awesome for staying around the $9,000 range!!!!

Post # 4
5921 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

$10,000 is a very reasonable, not excessive amount. Fiance thought I was spending too much, so I sat him down and showed him how all the little things add up. Candles, taxes, gratuity, programs, etc. and I think he understands now. Good luck!

Post # 5
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Under 10 K is FANTASTIC!!!! Good for you for getting good deals and keeping with a reasonable budget. We are having a similar discussion as we originally set a budget to pay on our own. I was agreeable to the budget, but knew it was an extremely tight budget by Vancouver standards as everything is WAY over priced out here 🙁 Family has since offered to contribute a significant amount and rather than slightly increase the budget to make it easier he thinks we should just decrease the amount we are contributing but keep the same tight budget because it too much money to spend on one day. I figure let’s not go crazy but also not be super stressed about a few dollars here/there. URG 🙁

Post # 6
2066 posts
Buzzing bee

Show him the budget and where things are adding up.  This will help him realize what you are talking about. 

Under $10,000 for that many people is very impressive!

Post # 7
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think you’re right. $10,000 is a budget wedding in my book. Maybe it’s good that you guys are having this argument, since money is such a common topic for couples to argue about. You can practice your conflict resolution skills! 

If I were you, I would make it clear to Fiance that it’s not of matter of whether it is possible to throw a party on a lower budget, but whether that type of party is what you want. I think that the wedding you are proposing is a great compromise between a lavish affair and a simple one. 

Post # 8
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hmm…I understand both sides.  $10,000 is definitely a reasonable amount to spend on a wedding…you could be spending much much more!  I think it’s taking things a bit far for him to say you’ve been taken overcome by the WIC and that you’re a changed person.  $10,000 isn’t a very extravagent amount in WIC terms.

BUT…just because it’s a generally reasonable amount, doesn’t mean that spending that amount is in line with your fiances values and goals.  Even if someone had offered to give us a bunch more money for our wedding, I don’t think either of us would have wanted to increase what our wedding cost…it would have exceeded the amount we were comfortable spending on one event, regardless of where the money came from.  You should sit down with him and go through the various aspects of the wedding and see what you both feel is a reasonable amount to spend on that (and see if you’re spending that, or more, or less) and from there make a plan TOGETHER to go forward, add things, or cut things back as appropriate.  You don’t want to have a wedding that your fiance is going to regret or feel like the money would have been better spent elsewhere (by you or by whoever provided it).


Post # 9
1049 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 1998

So what you’re saying is, you are throwing a wedding… in Maryland… for 150 people… and you’re having it catered at an actual venue… for less than $10,000?? And he’s MAD?! I’m blown away.

The thing is, when you come up with your original budget, sometimes it’s hard to be on target because people can be really slippery about weddings. No one wants to come clean about how much anything costs, so it’s really hard to tell how much it’ll actually be. Also, in my (limited) experience, I’ve found that there are things I thought wouldn’t matter that actually do. Maybe it feels silly, but it’s ok to want it to look nice and feel comfortable for your guests. Embrace that.

Your fiance should be proud of you. I think you’ve done a great job of balancing your values and budget with the real world of wedding planning. I say congratulations to you.

Post # 11
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Hi, from a bride in Maryland also with 150 estimated guests — $10k is fricking awesome. 

Post # 12
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Maybe he just doesn’t have any idea what things cost.  You are doing an amazing job.  I’m planning a $8,000 wedding for 100, I can’t imagine how I would fit another 50 people into my budget!  Show him your breakdown of the numbers and see where he objects.  For example, if he thinks your photography is too high, tell him that he needs to find someone for cheaper.  It’s easy to say “I don’t want to spend $1000 for photography, I only want to spend $500” but it’s a lot harder to actually find someone in that price range.  You understand that because you’ve been doing the planning and you’ve seen how prices are.  He needs to come to that understanding too, and that may mean that he needs to do so research on his own so he can see how hard it is to find reasonably priced vendors… It isn’t right for him to make demands and then put it on you to get it done without investigating whether it’s even possible or not.

Post # 13
162 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Haha…if he’s ok with the individual items, but not the total, then that sounds like something he just needs to come to terms with! 

Maybe it would help for him to just “forget” the overall amount, if he’s ok with the individual item totals.

We actually did this ourselves…having an overall budget became too much of a “how do we ocme in under budget” competition.  Instead we just looked at each individual aspect and said “are we ok spending $x on this?  Yes?  Ok move on!”  We still don’t know what we spent overall in total and decided we don’t care (I have a good idea because I was tracking it all at first).  We spent what we were comfortable with and what aligned with our values on each thing.  For example: food got a lot cuz we both LOVE food, photography got a decent amount, but not as much as many people put to it because we and our families are obsessed with taking pictures…and yes…both my husband and I took our own pictures on our wedding day :-p, the cake got nearly nothing cuz there was no way I was paying someone to do something that I love to do to get a product that doesn’t taste as good.

Post # 15
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I’m gonna agree with @qasiaraine here: just because the money doesn’t come from you doesn’t mean it’s not being spent by someone.  And the fact that anyone is spending it may be his concern.  I can also see where he’s coming from about you “going back on (your) idea” about not needing a magazine wedding.  If your FI’s original vision for the wedding was a lot less formal (& your wedding doesn’t sound all that formal at all), then the wedding you’re (individually) planning may not fit with his vision.  Since it’s BOTH your wedding, he should become MUCH more involved in the process if he’s concerned (what I’m implying here is that he shouldn’t just complain about what you’re planning without actively contributing to the planning – and suggesting “really nice” paper plates doesn’t constitute active planning on his part). 

Additionally, perhaps he’s one of those people who like to live their values in every action he takes…Fiance & I try to be that kind of person.  We’re strong believers in making the world a better place & try to live that philosophy in every action (I’m a high school teacher, Fiance is a movie industry assistant – I try to teach the leaders of tomorrow, he tries to inspire them) including things as mundane as the kind of TV we watch – we’ll watch reality shows in which participants strive for excellence, but not those that focus on the interpersonal relationships of participants (i.e. yes to sports, biggest loser or Project Runway; no to Survivor, Real Housewives, or Models of the Runway).  Maybe, your Fiance wants to live his values in the wedding planning…he just needs to get involved in the planning process to better understand your vision of the wedding & how much effort it takes to unify your two visions.

But if you & Fiance are looking at straight numbers, $10K for 150 people in a city is DAMN good planning & budgeting.

Post # 16
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It sounds like he’s more concerned about giving money to the wedding industrial complex than he is about the financial implications.

Here’s the thing – for 150 people, 10k is a really great deal.  Maybe explain it in just plain event terms – that it works out to 10000/150 or just under $67 per person.  If you took 150 people out to dinner it’d probably cost that much.  Yes, it’s possible to have a backyard wedding for a lot less, but it’s hard to find a backyard that can comfortably seat that many people.  and you’re still buying a lot of food.

Also – if he wants to go cheap by using paper plates, I’m not sure how that squares with your environmentalism.  It’s kind of nitpicking, but based on your region, # of guests, and cost it seems like he’s having more sticker shock / feeling ripped off based on the sum total than anything else.  (My boy’s kind of the same way, thinking we should be spending more like 2k than 20k when we want to have a 100 person open bar Saturday night fully catered event in an expensive area… I am all over the cheap but at a certain point you have to be realistic.)

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